Having trouble replying to absolutely every concept and point of view with sneering contempt? Afraid that the internet might go an entire hour without one of your biting remarks devoid of humor or perspective? Don't let it get you down!
Just stay positive and remember that nothing in this world can ever be cool or good. If you keep that in mind, the rest is easy. Really easy. Like, surprisingly easy. If I didn't know better, I might think it actually takes more brainpower to not instantly crap all over everything.
In fact, with a little reductive logic and zero capitalization, anything - no matter how pure or good - can be made to seem terrible.
A Great Movie Comes Out
ugh everyone in the world is talking about this stupid thing. it's so overrated. i refuse to watch it. what am i gonna do, sit in a chair like an idiot for a few hours with my mouth hanging open as light hits my face? yeah great. such a productive use of time
hey losers here's a tip: you're just looking at a fuckin wall. in addition to the movie's story being completely made up, all that stuff you're staring at is fake, it is a projected image
yeah okay let's grunt and rub our weird bodies against one another like a couple of idiots. sure, this is certainly an activity for winners.
grab my dumb skin. paw it with enthusiasm and adore it as if it's any good. here's some hellish liquid from deep inside my body and now it's touching you. can't wait to enjoy this pleasure again because i have a brain defect that makes me like horrible things. what's your excuse
don't mind me i'm just over here living forever for no good reason. it sure is amazing to experience all the bad gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrapthings in life for way longer than a normal human. gives me a lot of time to practice my DURRR sound. i almost have the hang of it. in a few thousand years it will be spot on, and then i can fully express all that i have learned with this garbage life
Eating Delicious Food
sure, let's ruin an amazing carefully prepared meal by shoveling it into our spittle-soaked gobs. now let's use our gross swollen tongues to push it around while our teeth crush it into a paste. soon we will squat and release it as greasy waste for some poor dumbass in the sewer factory to deal with
who invented this process of ruining food because i'd certainly like to give them a medal. the medal is an idiot of the year medal
i'm over here, not killing you. you're over there twiddling your thumbs, not killing me. wow isn't this so exciting. now do i have to listen to you talk about the latest popular young adult book series? are we expected to buy birthday and christmas presents for one another? what is this horrible awkward shit
Finding One Million Dollars
cool here's a bunch of money. guess i'll buy food and shelter and other things. *prolonged fart noise* now i think i'm really amazing. oh wait, i'm still some idiot. dang didn't see that one coming
caring about anything... considering others... expending any effort at all... hahaha yeah right. so lame. have fun not feeling alone and unimportant, you humongous babies
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.