Hail and well met, bros.
I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.
So you guys were chatting about fantasy football league? I'm in some fantasy gaming leagues myself. Yeah, the stuff I'm into is a little rougher than tossing a ball back and forth and requires some serious skill. But fantasy, wow, that's really my specialty. Dragons, wizards, barbarians, I could talk to you guys for weeks on end about that stuff. Looking forward to it.
But let's get back to the lore. What I'd love to do is sit down with you guys and interject some serious lore into--
Oh, you're all headed out the door. You've all got yourself a little lunch fellowship? That sounds brilliant, mates. I think I'll fit right in. No worries, I've got everything I need on me in my various pouches, so let's get some grub. I know a place about 20 minutes away, but well worth the drive. It's a delicious diner steeped in local lore, and I'd be happy to enlighten all of you on its colorful history on the drive. The original owner had a real wizard vibe going. Long hair, long beard, you know the type. So anyway--
Oh I see we decided to go to an Italian place instead. That's cool. I bet this place has a lot of lore, too. Heh, reminds me of a short story I wrote. So basically there's this old wizard and--
Whoops, didn't realize you guys were waiting on me to order. Yeah, hmm, I bet there's a lot of history to the meatball sandwich. For example, imagine there is a cook who apprenticed under the best wizard, only one day his master disappeared, leaving only a mysterious note. The apprentice, wanting to do right by his master, crafted a mystical oxgoad and set out on an epic quest across the Fifteen Kingdoms to assemble a band of warriors worthy of--
Hey, where did the waitress go? She must be new, since I didn't even get a chance to order. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you guys that I'm a resource you are must welcome to avail yourself of. Since everyone has been too nervous to approach me, I took initiative and decided to help out. I went through the bug tracking system and re-wrote all the reports from QA to contain more lore. Using my skills, I birthed a whole universe and mythology about an insect race that was twisted by a wizard into something unholy, and how they ooze dark magics to unravel the world around them, creating, in essence, "glitches in the realm." It's really deep stuff. I also added a bit of an Old English flare to the reports, since the language was a bit too boring and literal. You should have a lot more fun reading them, but don't start adding bugs just to get more lore.
I can tell you're all very surprised by that. You're welcome. Just one of the ways I can help out around here. Speaking of more lore, let's talk about our lore. We've got a really tight fellowship here, us guys, so wouldn't it be great if we all had fantasy backstories and personas? Like Jeremy, your backstory could be that your father was murdered by an evil wizard, and so you recruited these guys to come aid you in getting revenge. And then you stumbled on me, a good wizard with the power to rewrite reality for the better. Together, through battle and feasting, we all forged unbreakable bonds.
And-- wow, you guys eat fast. Did you get a chance to send the waitress my way when she brought out all your food out and then came back to clear your plates? Would love to get some grub before my blood sugar wanes any further. I would hate to--
Wait! Please tell me I just overheard one of you talking about steampunk. Oh, you were talking about a "steamer trunk" you inherited. Well, the great thing about steampunk is that it allows for an entirely different style of lore. So for example, imagine an analog for 1890s Britain, ruled by a powerful clockwork wizard who harnesses arcane gears and cogs to create--
Oh, sorry guys, didn't realize we were packing up already. Yeah, good idea, let's get back to the office. I'll snack out at the vending machine. There's lore to write, after all. I'll just stop by the men's room to drop a few Beholders before we hit the road.
Heh. You guys were sure in a hurry to get back to the office. Talk about making haste! Alas, I guess you didn't hear me when I mentioned I was going to the restroom. No worry, for I was able to walk part of the way, and my friend's uncle was kind enough to give me a ride the rest of the way.
Anyway, I heard you guys like to meet up at the bar after work. Sounds perfect. No ale for me, brothers. I don't see the point in poisoning my body. But I'd love to join you, and I'd be happy to bring some board games. I have a bunch in my cube, which is over there by the way. You guys are welcome to stop by anytime.
This is very real. As an insider I possess damning evidence that could utterly destroy Something Awful. This website has many enemies who appear to be coming to power in the United States. They probably have lots of money at their disposal, and I could really use some.
Don't let the winter dryness destroy your sinuses.
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