A while ago I announced my desire to run for the office of the President of the United States of America. As we draw nearer to the election date I feel it is time to announce my position on the most important issues. It is my manifesto, or perhaps my moofifiesto if you enjoy terrible puns.
It is clear to me that in order to rebuild the country it must be completely reinvented. This is why I propose we change the name of the country from "Iraq" to "Freedomland: Land of the Free." Such a name change will surely boost the morale of all of the great citizens of Freedomland: Land of the Free and will ultimately cause them to lay down their weapons in favor of singing, dancing, and attending arts and crafts fairs This will not solve everything however, because there is a much deeper, darker problem with the country: It is a desert. Nothing can flourish in a desert except fire and death, and this will need to be remedied before total peace can be achieved. I propose the entire country should be covered with grass and made into a lush green lawn. Not only will it look a hundred times better but it will also bring several new exciting species of animal to the area, including slugs, worms, and snails. The cost will be reduced by taking all the grass from Maine. They won't notice.
The threat or terrorism is not one I choose to ignore or run from, but one I choose to fight. If by "fight" I mean "disguise Canada as the United States and send the terrorists there instead," and I think you know that I do. The specifics of my plan are top secret but basically it involves a huge arrow with "INFIDELS" written on it that points to Canada. In addition to this almost flawless scheme, I have several other little tricks up my sleeve that are sure to outfox Osama's best. Giant nets will be erected around America's border to catch explodo-planes before they can reach their destination, and terrorists will no longer be permitted to fly civilian airliners.
Pollution and the Environment
The environment is not in great shape right now, and so I have devised an ingenious strategy to solve this problem when I am president: I will move to the French Riviera and govern the country via the Internet and remote controlled robots similar to those currently on the surface of Mars.
My new education program, entitled "No Child Left Behind (Except the Stupid Ones)" will ensure that every child has a world-class education unless he or she is totally dumb in which case they may as well just drop out anyway and go and work at Jiffy Lube or something. Currently the education system is in a shambles. This article would not be so terrible if I was not writing it at 4 am because my stupid professor decided to make me write a paper on beehives or goats or whatever his heavily marijuana influenced brain told him we should write about. I don't remember what it was but I bet if I had just posted my paper as my article instead of this train wreck it would be a lot better and more educational too.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
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