1904-1979: Coined in 1904 by founding mayor Arthur Peppergrave, Shaggy Butte's first motto sought to establish the town as a center of art, culture and scenic beauty. Unfortunately, the town failed to develop the first two, instead becoming a center of tractor salesmanship and biblical literalism; there were also no pines in the area. By the mid-seventies, the inaccuracy of the motto began to grate on local nerves, and anti-French sentiment had been inflamed by late-night airings of Pepe Le Pew cartoons. The Shaggy Butte city council was ready for a change. Note: Peppergrave also came up with the idea of the "Established 1760" slogan, though at that point in U.S. history the territory was populated only by timber wolves, mangy cacomistles and exiled murderers from the Mesquakie tribe.
1974: A perfect motto opportunity arose from an apparent miracle: in December of 1974, Shaggy Butte coroner Billy Boruff was shocked to view his logbook and note that, among a population of nearly 15,000, not a single death had been recorded all year. The city council became taken with the idea that it had become impossible to die in the town of Shaggy Butte, and quickly commissioned a new sign. However, after checking obituaries in the local paper, it became clear that the city had a robust number of deaths in 1974, and Billy Boruff had accidentally consulted his brand-new 1975 logbook.
1975: Determined to find an accurate statistic to boast about, the city council dug into the local crime statistics and found a new angle: in 1974, not a single rape had been recorded in the city. A new sign was hastily produced.
1976: Tragically, Shaggy Butte's dream of a rapeless utopia quickly died. The townspeople, filled with false confidence, adopted the arrogant erotic swagger of a people immune to sex crime. Rapists from neighboring towns noticed that Shaggy Butte's guard was down and descended by the dozen, leading to infamous sprees by criminals like the Shaggy Butte Rapist, the Shaggy Butte Raper-Strangler, the Shaggy Butte Monster and even the popular, lighthearted Shaggy Butte Tickler. Soon, Shaggy Butte's sex offense numbers were among the highest in the nation. The city council was unwilling to fully let go of their rape-free reputation, however, and dragged their heels in ditching the motto.
Emma Stone was the most paranoid person I had ever met. In private she wore a full suit of medieval armor at all times, visor down.
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