THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IN LIFE IS BEING RESPECTED BY GUYS LIKE THIS

If there's anything that I've learned from being online, it's that the Internet is one huge popularity competition; a vicious, competitive, backstabbing beauty contest between Down's Syndrome victims who are being judged by outcast leper colonies. If you ain't popular on the Internet, then you ain't shit, and if you ain't shit then there's no chance of receiving the admiration from thousands of attractive female sex-slave models who logon every day, simply waiting for a man with bravado and a huge ePenis to step their way. Now don't get the terms "ePenis" and "penis" confused - whereas genitalia is simply an extension of a man is in real life, the "ePenis" completely defines your online existence. ePenis showoffs are like primitive mating scenes where the weak fall from the herd, are thrown to the ground, and get savagely torn to shreds by razor-sharp claws, only except instead of getting murdered by bloodthirsty animals you are shunned from an Anime forum run by a 13-year old with a 400 pixel-wide avatar. The only way to survive in this harsh electronic climate is to develop and nurture the biggest ePenis possible, swinging it around and decimating every opponent in your way until you have convinced thousands of people that you're King Internet.

At this point you might be shrieking, "but Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, I don't know anything about growing an ePenis! What can I, -={xXx_LuV-CaT_xXx}=-, do to increase my ePenis size?" Unfortunately, I cannot hear you, as you're screaming at your monitor and I'm probably miles away, asleep in a puddle of my own drool and possibly vomit. However, I've been on the Internet for like, jeez, at least days now, so I have compiled a list of tips and tricks that will allow you, the average Internet citizen, to have an ePenis the size of a major military transportation vehicle. If you follow this handy guide, you too will become King Internet some day and will have unlimited powers like that guy from "The Lawnmower Man 2," which means you'll become Matt Frewer and get killed by a bunch of retarded kids and their flying cretin dog. God, I hated that movie.

As you can tell in this chart, the bigger numbers are often larger than the smaller ones, and that's better.

STEP 1: Get the fastest computer possible. The first step to being an online success revolves around the speed of your computer. The faster your computer is, the quicker it can tell people how cool you are and why they should worship you because you have a fast computer which tells them to do so. When choosing a fast computer, keep in mind that you're not looking for raw numbers here; a 2.2 GHz Hewitt-Packard is a lot different than a 2.2 GHz Dell, mainly because a Hewlett-Packard will collapse into itself and catch fire within minutes of turning on for the first time. No, what you need is to build your own computer, as custom-made rigs make you, by far, much more popular with people who honestly care what brand name of RAM you purchase. Keep in mind that these are the same people who would be called a "nerd" even by fellow patrons at a Star Trek convention, but every opinion on the Internet counts. If you can't afford the absolute fastest, oxygen-combusting computer parts, then do the next best thing: buy the slowest, most inferior product and "overclock" it by using an intricate series of internal cooling devices, water pressure pump systems, and pacts with the Dark Overlord. Once you've successfully constructed your lean, mean gaming machine (which should end up costing twice the price of a factory built system and ideally critically burn at least three family members during the building process), you should tout its benchmarks, raw speed, and ability to make you orgasm simply by thinking about it. This can be achieved by slyly slipping it into conversation and bringing it to people's attention in the following examples:

YOU: "Hey, did you catch that one episode of that one television show we enjoy? The one in space?"
VERY INTERNET PERSON: "Wait, which one?"
YOU: "I own a Pentium 2 350 OCed to a P5 3.33 GHz, 900 gigs of RAM, 38 inch diamond-studded monitor, Logitech cordless mouse overclocked to receive transmissions from 80 feet away, Abit motherboard with all the fixens, and a custom case I built out of titanium and iron ore."
VERY INTERNET PERSON: (Blinded and temporarily confused by your awe-inspiring computer) "What?"

Another method is to casually insert your system specs into every post you make on every forum. This can be done by placing text into your "sig file," an online term which is an abbreviation for "sig files are for morons." Make sure that your posts NEVER exceed the length of your sig file, as then they would detract from the importance of your magnificent computer system. Here is an example post:

Actual Post:

From: [email protected]

yeh, lol

Sig File:-------------------------
ATHALON 10.00 GGZ
1.2 GHZ OF PUPKIN RAM
ABIT MOBO WITH SPARK PLUGS, SERVO MOTOR, ONBOARD CUTTING BOARD
KEYBOARD OVERCLOCKED TO HAVE SEVEN "G" KEYS
MONITOR THE SIZE OF MY FAT FUCKING ASS
SCORE ON MONSTERTUFF ePENIS BENCHMARKING PROGRAM: 738220389.828736726263447884432392929482334546

STEP 2: Use an "alternative" webbrowser. Scientific studies at Harvard University have shown over and over again that people who simply use the common "Internet Explorer" webbrowser provided by Microsoft are clinically known as "stupid faggots." As a result, you should invest all your free time testing out beta Internet software being written by one of those guys who sits in a dark basement with oscilloscopes set to the "sine wave" pattern all day. These browsers are invariably better than IE because they take up .004% less system resources, they allow you to customize the top buttons so one of them inexplicably reads "grandma" and takes you to a midget scat porn site, and (most importantly) they do NOT endorse Microsoft. You see, there are two types of people on the Internet: ones with huge ePenises, and ones who like Microsoft. It's up to you to decide which one you are, and if it requires you to write up bug reports every thirteen seconds, then so be it. To find the "best" alternative webbrowser currently on the market, go to Download.com and do a search for the least popular or least downloaded Internet program, because "least popular" is a codeword for "more exclusive." If you use IE, you're in a group with millions of other slack jawed yokels; if you run Big Ed's Hardcore WebPowerBrowser v0.00002 Alpha, then you're part of a tiny elite club that only includes Big Ed and his Dungeon Master friend. Be sure to extol the virtues of this browser at every chance, one-upping those Micro$h4ft drones who are content with their crappy, bug-infested piece of crap.

VERY INTERNET PERSON: "Shit man, IE just crashed."
YOU: "I don't use IE, I use TurboSurf 200X Ultimate Pro Edition Zarg. It's never crashed on me in nine years, which is truly remarkable consider I only downloaded it last night. Only faggots use IE. What the hell is wrong with you? If you use IE, you deserve system crashes and maybe Bill Gates should just come over to your house and rape your mom you shithead, I hate you, die."
VERY INTERNET PERSON: "Okay, I'm done rebooting, what did you say?"

This is a good example of webpage design.

STEP 3: Create a webpage with a hit counter. You will never become King Internet and have a humongous ePenis if you fail to have your own personal webpage. If you're worried you don't have any creative talent and believe nobody will like you, then don't worry - I don't have any creative talent and nobody likes me, yet I've been running this site for over three years now! Besides, there are a plethora of exciting and innovative topics you can base your own personal website on, including (but not limited to):

A daily journal detailing your favorite foods and math teachers (NOTE: webpage must be updated every 19 seconds or else you might lose readers who absolutely need to know what song you're currently playing in WinAmp)
A rap fan site which uses colorful, 16-meg animated gifs to convey the fact that you are, in fact, "down with it." This site should include "shout outs" to all your "peeps" as well as "Javascript errors" which show you don't know "shit" about "coding."
A clan page for your Internet gaming gang. Your clan's name must be in that "burning fire" font and should include the neon green rotating skull graphic every page or else other clans won't fear your mystical power to make letters catch fire and skulls rotate.
A "fake news" site. News parody websites are currently the number two source of humor on the Internet, the first one being "disguised goatse.cx links." If you'd like to read more about disguised goatse.cx links, please refer to this CNN article they wrote a few weeks ago, http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/ptech/12/18/internet.subculture.reut/index.html. If you don't know how to write or make people laugh, just go to The Onion and plagiarize them, word-by-word if necessary. You still won't be able to write or make people laugh, but your webpage will now have the same layout as The Onion and hey, people like familiarity.
A shrine to linkwhoring. This should just be a giant, sloppy, horrible mess of a site where you simply link to random other sites and ask that they do the same. If everything goes as planned, you'll eventually get 50-100 people trapped in between your site and another, bouncing back and forth on your links like a hyperactive racquetball.
A "humor" site featuring side-splitting articles pointing out your Internet grudges, fictional characters who do "wacky" things, and other crap that's been done a million times before. You could name it "SomeOfTheseThingsAreAwful.com" and could, over a period of three years or so, run the same jokes into the ground so much that the ground runs itself into a smaller ground and that ground runs itself into a zombie ground.

No matter which option you choose, you must be absolutely sure to keep a hit counter recording the number of daily hits you receive. This is the most important factor in running a website; I mean, how are people supposed to know you're popular if you don't tell them? Be sure to refresh your page frequently on slow days and brag about it on "hot news days," such as the time you update with a hard-hitting article entitled, "Why I didn't like 'Scary Movie 2'." Brag about these stats every chance you get and don't bother worrying if somebody else has more daily hits than you because there's a Trump Card you can always use in sticky situations: The "Reset Counter" Bug Excuse.

YOU: "Man, I can't believe it, I got over 5,000 hits today on my Fred Durst Fanart site today."
VERY INTERNET PERSON: "I remember when my site was getting 5,000 daily hits. That was like a year ago, now we're around 10,000 daily."
YOU: (Furious) "Well... well... what I meant to say was that we get 5,000 hits MONTHLY, not daily!"
VERY INTERNET PERSON: "So you actually get less traffic than that each day?"
YOU:(Confused) "I mean, no, what I meant was that... OH I JUST GOT AN EMAIL, IT TURNS OUT MY HIT COUNTER WAS BROKEN, I GOT 15 MILLION HITS YESTERDAY, WOW!!!"
VERY INTERNET PERSON: "You have thoroughly defeated me on the Internet. There is no reason for me to continue living anymore."

On the Internet, you can be a badass like this guy, although I'm not sure why you'd want to.

STEP 4: Threaten to beat up anybody who disagrees with anything you say. The beauty of the Internet lies in its inherent power to make me a 16-year old white girl from California one moment and a 6'3" bodybuilding black man the next. Sometimes I'm people you know, other times I'm people you've never heard of, but through thick and thin, I'm never who I actually am. The Internet allows you to threaten bodily harm (and sometimes even death) without the hassle of having to actually follow it up and flail your puny, bleached-white arms in somebody's general direction, forcing them to roll a saving throw against Nerd Combat. If somebody fails to support your opinion regarding gun control, abortion, 17th Century British headwear, Anime, the most "attractive" porn star to be featured in "Girls of Cumming Age 38," or anything else ever, simply inform them of their impending doom at the hands of your, well, hands.

YOU: "I think 'Star Wars: Return of the Jedi' was better than 'Star Wars: Episode II'."
VERY INTERNET PERSON: "Hmmm, well I'll have to disagree with you, because frankly I enjoyed the drama and suspense of Episode II."
YOU: "YOU GODDAMN FUCKEN FAGGOT I'LL PUNCH THROUGH UR HEAD WITH MY FIST, I'LL BEAT UR ASS WITH MY BASEBALL BAT, I'M FUCKEN TRACIN UR IP AND I'LL FIND UR HOUSE AND KICK UR SHIT, I'LL BLOW UP UR FAMILY'S HOUSE WITH DYNAMITE!!!! UR FUCKEN DEAD MAN!!!!"
VERY INTERNET PERSON: "Oh wait, actually there was a typo in that last message, I accidentally switched them around. I meant to say I agreed with you."
YOU: "I PLAY A LOT OF COUNTERSTRIKE SO I'LL HAVE NO PROBLEM SHOOTING U FROM 500 FEET WITH MY AWP, GET READY TO DIE VERY INTERNET PERSON: "Are you even reading what I write?"
YOU: "UR FUCKEN DEAD"

If you follow these simple four steps to success, you will soon have one of the largest ePenises on the Internet, dwarfing entire metropolitan city systems like those Japanese cartoons about the devil possessing some guy and making his dick so big that it destroys Tokyo and ejaculates all over Korea. You will undoubtedly become King Internet and the sex-starved superhot porn models will throw their heroin-addicted bodies in your direction, lavishing you with gratuitous sex and expensive gifts from their Amazon wishlists. Internet popularity and a huge ePenis is everybody's dream and ultimate goal in life, and I feel this guide will help you accomplish this and oh so much more. If you don't believe me, I'LL FUCKEN KICK UR ASS U FAGGOT, I'M 6 FOOT 9 INCHES AND I LIFT CITY BUSES AND OWN A MACHINEGUN!!!@!@!!11111~

The Comedy Goldmine Presents: THE GREATEST PICTURE EVER!

If you're like me, and by God I hope you're not, you like pretty pictures. Today's Goldmine is an assortment of various images deemed "The Greatest Picture Ever" by SA Forum members. There are many greatest pictures ever here, and if I had to choose one image I would call "The Greatest Picture Ever" out of the series of greatest pictures ever here, I would probably reply, "huh?"

Head on over and find THE GREATEST PICTURE EVER! Or don't!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.