I rarely waste my time and yours with updates about my personal life, my relationships, my house boat that sunk with all hands, etc. Occasionally I'll mention that, for example, my arm was torn off last week by a wheat thresher. You might have noticed that it isn't harvest season for wheat here in the Midwest United States, that's true, but I was in a farm implement museum and the damn thing just came to life like there were ghosts inside it. When I do mention little factoids like this "The Boss" (R-Lo, not Springsteen) usually goes off on how I should have my own Live Journal and write goth poetry. He does it because he wants to drive us all to suicide, but that's okay, I haven't found a pistol barrel yet my mouth didn't like but the damn things always jam on me. To completely fly in the face of what's approved of by "The Man" (R-Lo, not J. Edgar Hoover) I am going to devote this entire update to true confessions. It's going to be an honest look at my life, my many loves, and the way I tend to "keep it real" and "say it like it is".
For those of you questioning my judgment in doing this, consider for a moment that you are no doubt a very boring and bland individual, with a life roughly as interesting as watching Jello Jigglers set into the shape of a vagina. If you kept a journal about your life not a single person other than maybe your mom and someone trying to kill you would bother to read it, let alone be genuinely interested in it. I, on the other hand, am a massive Internet celebrity whose name is on the lips of many a fair maiden throughout the land. Therefore, the minutiae of my life are granted meaning for those who are not my mother or trying to kill me. My massive Internet celebrity status entitles me to go on and on about myself in unbelievable detail and expect this to somehow entertain you. I hope your lumbar-support desk chair came with a seatbelt you can buckle, because this look inside the life of Zack Parsons might just blow you out a window followed a split-second later by an exciting fireball. And baby, your socks won't be coming with you. Don't worry, at the end of my slices of life I will have a link to my Amazon.com wish list so that you can reward me for living by sending me all of the things that I tell you I deserve!
Devour the Flesh of Fallen Heroes
I am so sick of that b*tch Janice, she is always taking my makeup from me and I need it before I face the Ungaori tribe of the basin walls village. I swear if she takes it again and I see her pig face in the halls I am going to cut out her liver with a stone knife and use it to bait my fishing hook. Yesterday in the cafeteria Monica and I were totally scarfing down the brain of Ugtognuk - the tribal elder dude we killed with slings the other day - and I must have eaten part of his brain that held the memories of his battles. Just as Janice was walking past me with that "I'm hot sh*t" look on her face all of these images from Ugtognuk's past lives came flooding in to me. I saw him standing on the field of battle, snap, I was him! The blood of my enemies running from my stone axe. The bellies of the village women swollen with my seed. When I flashed back to the cafeteria I had Janice on the ground and I was trying to slit open her throat with a carrot stick. Her face was all blue and that a$$hole Vice Principal Rogers grabbed me and gave me like a bazillion detentions! Janice is just lucky it was a carrot stick and not a knife or her brains would be on the menu tomorrow.
Oh and I talked to Dylan last night on AOL. He is Keith's friend and omg he is so freakin' hot! Here's some of our conversation:Zacky34: hiiiii DylanIt was so totally awesome and I am going to marry him I know it! We are going to make the hottest couple in the entire Idurra basin region!
Zacky34: how r u
StoneCold316: r u audry?!
Zacky34: no silly! its Zack from 2nd period earth Sience
StoneCold316: o, u r pretty hot
StoneCold316: lol what?
Zacky34: lol nuthin
StoneCold316: my bro wants to play games, g2g
Demonic Summoning Gone Awry
Monica and Stacey came over last night and we totally tried to summon the dark lord Necronius from the 400th level of the abyss. First we sat on my bed, which has this totally cool leopard print bed spread that I got at Hot Topic and on the inside it says "BRAT" and it's so true because I am such a brat! We were drinking some Smirnoff Ice and things got a little crazy and Stacey dared me to make out with Monica and we started to and I was getting these really weird feelings that were like "woah" and then I stopped and we all started laughing. It was so awesome. Then I'm like, hey girls you know what would be fun? And then I said we should offer up in sacrifice Stacey to the dark lord Necronius to unseal him from his one million year torpor beneath the earth. Stacey wasn't down with that but then she totally passed out from drinking too many Smirnoff's and Monica was like giving me this look and I knew it was on.
So I dusted off my copy of the Necronomicon, you know the paperback one that you can buy through Amazon, and we started reading the incantation. Luckily I had my mom get me all the reagents necessary for opening the gateway to the 400th level of the abyss while she was out shopping at Whole Foods. So we lit a hexagram demarcated by candles made from the tallow of children and began chanting in unison. Dark energies began to swirl around us just like in that episode of "Charmed" where Phoebe got turned into a flying dildo. It was such a rush, I felt like Vin Diesel in "The Fast and the Furious" only with Satanism instead of riced out cars. Censers containing many rare and exotic materials burned at the periphery of the room and filled the air with a ghastly cloying stench. Stacey stirred as if through her fever trance she could sense my dagger poised above her virgin bosom.
Then, as the chant reached a totally awesome pitch, I plunged the blade into her breast and with dark precision cut out her beating heart and held it up in offering to the dark lord Necronius. Just as I was about to drink of the rich, red heart's wine, my dorky brother Kyle came in and totally ruined everything. He had his gay friend Jake with him and they were probably going to play Nintendo and do gay stuff but they ruined it all! I screamed at them to get out and then, it was like time for TRL so Monica and I just said forget it and we buried Stacey inside of an oil drum in my back yard. It was pretty crazy though because the next morning our entire house was encased in thorny vines and my cat Captain Fluffy had been turned inside out by dark powers.
Testing Completed on My New Battle Chassis
Dylan is so hot it makes my teeth hurt and I get all sweaty when I am around him in Earth Science class. I just want to grab him and ride him like a cowboy but I don't know, people at school think I'm a lezzy I think because rumor got out that I kissed Monica. It's true but it wasn't like that, you know? We were all drunk and it was just fun. Anyway, I know Dylan thinks I'm cute so I am hoping my new Mark XIII "Praetor" Battle Chassis that I'm making for our Earth Science project totally impresses him.
I put it through its paces for the last time on Saturday and it outperformed even my most optimistic estimates. I was all like oh no because while repairing the myomer artificial muscles in the legs I accidentally disconnected a bio-fluid reservoir, but I totally fixed it without even using the auto-waldo suit. Then Saturday I activated a couple of those gay target drones and headed out into the field behind my house. The FLIR targeting system was acting up a little but when I switched to Doppler wireframe mode everything worked great! It was totally awesome, I was like vrrrrrrrrrrrreeee thump vreeeeeeeeeeee thump and then I activated the fire and forget guided rocket pods and just toasted a couple of those drones. Then the last one popped up from behind cover and I used the ion-discharge cannon to blast it to pieces. The power and heat readings never spiked red, even when I was discharging ten million joules every two seconds through the ion cannon.
Dylan is going to be all over me when he sees my Praetor. I'm going to use the 30mm miniguns and just dice the girl's locker room where that c*nt Chrissy has basketball warm-ups and then me and Dylan are going to go behind the bleachers and get busy. I even put a Nelly CD into the Praetor's 6-disc changer. I'm thinking about putting a big heart and maybe the word "SLUT" on its 45mm composite armor chest plate. Then Dylan would so know that I mean business!
It's Hard to Make Peanut Butter and Jelly
OMG! Today has sucked so bad. I got up late for school because I was on AOL until 2 AM talking to Dylan and then he called me and I was trying to get him to have phone sex but I think he is shy. He is soooooooo cute sometimes I just want to explode! Anyway, when I got up my mom was already gone in the Lexus and she took Kyle to school and left me all alone. I was just going to skip out on class again but then I remembered Mr. Borden told me if I miss one more Basic Algebra class he is going to fail me. What sucked the most was mom totally did not make me any lunch at all and I had to make it myself. I didn't want to handle knives and make carrot sticks mom usually does and I had just ordered a keepsake diamond heart necklace that cost me all of my week's allowance.
I am a resourceful girl though, don't you know it ;) so I got out the peanut butter and some jelly stuff and some bread to make a lunch. The jelly part was so easy and I was rocking along and doing just fine and then I got to the peanut butter part and that was so hard. It sucked, like the peanut butter on the knife kept sticking to the bread and pulling up pieces so I didn't know what to do. I ended up just putting like three lumps of peanut butter on it like in a triangle or something and then disaster struck again! I put the peanut butter bread on top of the jelly bread and the jelly went all over the place and it smelled funny and got on my blouse! I was so mad I think I screamed. I do not deserve this crap. The maids could do it but they only come three days a week and mom told me not to scream at them but f*ck her, you know? I did not deserve it is all I'm saying.
I sort of squeezed the peanut butter and jelly sandwich into a ball thing and put it in a ziplock bag. Then I couldn't find my car keys, but I remembered I left them next to my collection of 17th century European firearms. I had to gun my Volkswagen to school just to make it on time, and let me tell you I was pissed because my dad was working on it this weekend to install the 100 disc CD player and he DID NOT FILL IT UP! I thought I wasn't going to have enough gas to make it all the way to school but I did! I am so going to cuss him out when he gets home from work tonight.
I Found a Magical Leprechaun
This day has been totally crazy and in a cool way. I was driving home from school and I saw that there was a sale at Old Navy and I totally had to stop even though I only had 270 dollars left from my allowance. So I stopped and I parked in front of the store and put my flashers on like I would only be a second and then I went in, well when I went outside after a couple hours my car was totally gone! I don't know what happened, maybe some black kids stole it or something, there are some gangster types at the Woodpark Mall next door to the Old Navy store. Anyway, so I am looking up and I see this rainbow and I feel really connected to nature and Gaia so I was like I am going to follow that to its source. Maybe I was being a little weird but I like to do things my own way sometimes and f*ck the rest of the world! So I follow the rainbow into this wooded park and in a clearing there is this pot of gold and I look and I see this little fat bearded guy watching me from the bushes. Luckily I had my pepper spray on me so I nailed him because I thought he might be a rapist or something.
Then he starts screaming and grabbing his eyes and he is like okay I'll grant you three wishes as long as you make the burning stop. I told him to walk it off and not be a p*ssy but he says he is going to give me three wishes so my first wish was that Dylan would love me forever. He made this magical harp sound and there were some bright lights that flew around and I could sense that Dylan truly loved me! Totally awesome, okay, so I asked for my second wish I wanted to have a new purse, like a Gucci one like the nice ones that I would have to save like four allowances to be able to buy. So this purse just appears hanging over my shoulder and it was EXACTLY what I wanted. The leprechaun was so awesome because he was giving me what I wanted and I didn't even have to show him carefully lit grainy photographs of my tits.
So then he is like and what will your final wish be? And I am like, okay, so I think I know how things should be but they aren't always the way I think they should be. I told the little magical dude that I wanted to rule over a post-apocalyptic wasteland with the power to decide who lives and who dies and an unswervingly loyal army of robotic kill-droids. Sure enough, a little harp sound and some flashing lights and the earth cracked open, the rivers ran with blood, and horrible wasting plagues set upon those who opposed my new rule. From a tower built on the bones of my enemies I ruled over the ashes of civilization, the unquestioning red eyes of my kill-droids sweeping across the twisted steel carcass of mankind's creations, Dylan chained at my feet, and my makeup all fitting inside my Gucci purse. It was awesome!
My Mom Won't Buy Me Things I Want
Arrrrrrrrgh! I am so mad right now I can't even put it down into words in this journal. I just threw my glass unicorn that Kyle got me for my last birthday at the wall and when dad came and knocked on my door I cussed at him and told him I hated him because I totally do. Last night Dylan and I went on our first date and it was going really good and I looked so awesome in my new blouse and skirt and he was sooooooo fine. Then he is all you drive a Beetle? And I am like yeah, get in good looking. And he gets in but he is all Volkswagens are kind of gay, I don't know Zack. OMG! I almost started crying right there, he didn't like my car! So we went to see "Drum Line" and it was okay and then we went to eat at this awful Mexican place but Dylan seemed to like it. All I could think about was that he thought my car was dumb. I didn't have a lot of fun even though my dreams were coming true right in front of my face! When I took him home we sat outside and made out a little and he felt my tits but I wasn't really into it so after about five minutes I told him I had to get home.
It was such a bummer to ruin that perfect date like that! I totally blame my mom and dad too, because they are the ones who bought me this stupid car!! I told my mom that and screamed at her and said she needed to get me a different car and she was just mad at me! I think maybe tomorrow I can convince daddy to get me a new car, I think I want a convertible like a Mustang or something, so Dylan will like it and he can drive it and I can give him head! That would be so awesome!
I am still depressed though because that might not happen. Maybe it would be a little better if some of you fans will buy me some stuff from my Amazon wishlist. I really think I need it or might commit suicide, I am totally for serious right now. If you buy me some stuff and e-mail me I will be sure to send you a custom picture and maybe we can get to know each other if you are a cute guy! LOL! J/k I totally love Dylan and couldn't do that, unless you bought me the 30 inch plasma TV on my wish list! Then who knows ;p
Having Sex With Jesus
So my daddy finally got me a Mustang convertible, cherry red just like I always wanted. I took Dylan out and we went to this club I know about from Monica called "Hades Pit" and it was this awful rock music they played but they didn't ID either of us. I was drinking all kinds of weird stuff and I was starting to feel a little woozy so I asked Dylan to take me home. When we got out to the car we started making out but I was really drunk and I didn't want to go all the way, but he kept pushing and had his hand down my faded-seat jeans and was all come one baby. I said no louder and louder until he finally got mad at me and said alright fine b*tch, I can wait for your ass. I was like excuse me and I was about to get up in his sh*t but then there was this bright light outside the car. We both got out because, you know, I read those web sites about alien encounters and it was just like that, like the Linkin Park remix on the radio went all weird.
Dylan is a big coward I guess because he just started running when he saw this white column of light descending through the clouds carrying a ghostly figure in robes. Since I summon demons and stuff like that with Monica (she is so Wiccan) I wasn't too afraid. Then this dude comes down right in front of me and he is all my child, I am the vessel of our lord and I am descended from heaven. And I am all well okay that is pretty cool duder but what is with all the showboating. And then he is all I can choose a mother for the child of Christ, my resurrection upon this earth, and I have chosen you for your beauty, intelligence, and leadership ability. I am like whoah that is awesome, because Monica always told me if I had sex with Jesus and he put buns in my oven I should tell her because the unborn fetus of the Christchild reborn would provide amazing power in her black sorcery.
So I am like, alright buddy I am ready for action. I was still sort of drunk so the rest is sort of a blur but I know Jesus put it in every hole and the guy has a lot of staying power. Massive too. Like a truck carrying logs went out of control and rammed into every single orifice my body has. When he finally burdened me with his Holy seed it was like a light shined into my soul from heaven, totally apotheosis or something, just awesome. I was like okay dude, I'll make sure I deliver the baby and bring about the rapture and he did one of those finger shooter things and then winked and flew up into the sky like Neo at the end of "The Matrix".
I sure hope Dylan and I can get back together again because I still want his jock so bad. Especially after Jesus, he just turned me on even more and the idea of getting freak-ay while all knocked up is super hot. It's like a threesome or something. The holy trinity LOL!
There you have it! Excerpts from my webcam and journal from 2002, and I know you will be riveted to it because I am so cool and hot at the same time. Like a McDonalds McDLT or whatever, only all mixed up into one side! As promised I am linking my Amazon wishlist because the fact that I am sharing my greatness with you makes me deserving of all of these expensive things that I want. So please, I implore you, buy me a 3,000 dollar digital camcorder and a 30" plasma screen TV. I will make it worth your while with grainy images of me from my web cam!
DOWN WIT DA CLOWN!
Coming back from the grave like a fucking brontosaurus skeleton being ridden by Jesus, Lowtax has breathed life into the ICQ pranks here at Something Awful. Enraged over the inclusion of some Jugaboos or whatever they're called in a Cliff Yablonski update, the Insane Clown Posse fans have been bombarding us with stupid e-mails. In response Lowtax initiated a masterful prank within a prank.
Lowtax - Hey man, did you see that shit on Something Aweful about the ICP?
JuGGaLo - yeah man f**k that s**t, that a**hole can go suck off his gay Feminem fans
Lowtax - Yeah man, I totally think that too, I mean that shit he posted about the ICP was totally BS
JuGGaLo - yeh, u catch it from thesixth.com?
Lowtax - Yeah, I caught a lot of shit from thesixth.com man. That site is tight d00d. LOL that rhymes, maybe I should apply to be in the ICP
Lowtax - That site is tight
So bright I'll bite
and fight this kite
until MOTHAFUCKAHS REPRAZENT,
ONLY JIZZ USES THE TIFF
PNG FOR U AN MELowtax - sorry, that was a little freestyle I do, people sometimes pay me to freestyle on ICQ
Head on over and read what may turn out to be one of only twenty funny ICQ logs existing on the Internet! It is also notably the funniest thing ever related to Insane Clown Posse.
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
Honestly, the Assassin In Love poster is nearly perfect to begin with. It just needs a few minor tweaks.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.