At a Glance:Many respectable scientists consider the concept of time travel to be workably beyond man’s capabilities, while other, slightly less respectable scientists claim that it may be within our grasp very soon. Ignoring all logic and science are the many books about time travel, particularly those that involve altering events in the past to affect events in the future. No matter what, they include logic holes that you could drive a cruise ship through, pseudo-science that reads like instructions on assembling a computer from scrap iron, and as always a dashing hero. Another aspect of the genre is that the villain is almost always someone heavily involved in developing the time travel technology. Once they have realized its capabilities they seek to use the technology for their own benefit, but usually fuck up and accidentally step on a bug 50 million years ago that ends up turning Hitler into a giant dragon.
Literary Hack Sub-Genre: Illogical Time Travel
Chapter One - Timely ArrivalDaring Armstrong is the bravest and most handsome Chrononaut.The time pod gave off a crackle of electricity and made the air smell like ozone and fried bologna, luckily no one was around to witness its arrival in the year 1776. The airlock door hissed open and four figures emerged, each clad in a silver jumpsuit to protect them from potential time radiation that might have leaked from the time reactor during transit. Their helmets were large and reflective visors concealed their identities, but each had a name stitched to the front of their jumpsuit in neat black block lettering, thus revealing the identities that the visors worked so hard to conceal. The man whose uniform bore the name "Smart" opened his visor first.
"The air is breathable," he glanced at a glowing sensor screen. "No trace of time radiation."
"Really, Professor Smart," said the man whose uniform had the name "Sinisterest" stitched onto it, "if my calculations about time radiation were correct, these suits would do little to protect us. Our cells would be transported in hundreds of directions along the space time continuum and not a single one would remain here."
Ignoring him, the third man removed his helmet entirely, revealing close-cropped blonde hair and a strong dimpled jaw. He had piercing blue eyes that were almost as blue as the sky above or the ocean but they weren't near the ocean. He clipped his helmet to his belt and examined a small instrument used to detect time.
"The Time Chronometer says that we have arrived exactly as planned," his uniform bore the name "Armstrong" and had an additional United States Flag patch sewn onto the arm that none of the others had.Helen Attractive is not quite as brave as Daring Armstrong, but she is somewhat brave, and she is extremely beautiful as you can see from this illustration. Yowsah!The fourth Chrononaut removed his helmet, only to shake out long locks of crimson hair, and it wasn't "his helmet" it was "her helmet" because it was actually a beautiful woman. Her name read "Attractive" and her full name was Helen Attractive and she was a doctor of time too. An expert time researcher, she was engaged to Dr. Smart, the elderly founder of the Time Experiment Project, but was secretly becoming romantically involved with Daring Armstrong.
"Gentlemen," she said matter-of-factly, "we had better hurry, it is only four hours until the constitution is signed, and even in the stealth buggy it will take nearly an hour to make it to Washington."
Professor Smart handed out the travel packs containing a little bit of money, a machine pistol, and disguises that would allow them to blend in with the times. They each took turns changing into their disguises in the time pod while the rest assembled the stealth buggy. Once it was put together and they were all ready, they set off for Washington where they would record the signing of the Constitution on video tape.
Dr. Oz, professional TV doctor, offers up some dieting tips and advice on how to remove all your negative ions.
I was able to pull some strings and secure an advance copy of this year’s PAX panel schedule. Enjoy!
Push button, get infinite gameplay and pleasure. Or attempt a 3 point shot.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.