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Before I begin today's update about "The Matrix," Twinkies, and murdering homosexual city councilmen, I'd like to point out that we're accepting writing submissions here at Something Awful. Would you like to write a front page update, ROM Pit Review, guide, or any other kind of feature? Send it in and if it makes us laugh, you'll be on the team! Of course, if it doesn't make us laugh, then we'll bury you under 10 feet of concrete and drive the Batmobile over your putrid grave, but those are the chances you take when you submit articles to a self-proclaimed "comedy" website. Give it a shot and send us what you've got, big boy!
Neo Made Me Do It
The so-called "Twinkie Defense" saves another person.
The 1970s were known for many things, most notably the creation of yours truly and the absolute most horridly disgusting fashion trends in the history of the universe, two events which I feel are intimately connected on a local level. Although these occurrences celebrate the birth of two worthless, highly repulsive things, the 1970s are also remembered as the decade of the infamous "Twinkie Defense." This odd phrase refers to a legal battle in 1979 which captured the hearts and mind of news reporters across the globe, thereby forcing the rest of the world to capture it into their hearts and minds as well, usually through the threat of blackmail.
The diligent news media of the 1970s was just as concerned with 100%-fact filled reporting as they are these days, unable to be compromised by the lure of headline-grabbing news bits and scare tactics which simply appeal to humanity's most primal instincts. Oh wait, sorry about that, I was referring to the news media of the Bizarro World Dimension. No, the major media outlets of the 1970s were just as pathetic and parasitic as they are these days, scrapping real news in favor of sound bites and memorable headlines which would sell more newspapers and get the public to tune in at 6, 7, and 10 in the futile hope that the news industry would inform them of the silent, invisible, deadly killer which might have possibly maybe kind of perhaps lived in THEIR OWN HOMES, ready to smother their helpless little children like a ladybug underneath a baseball tarp. Everybody knows one of my biggest pet peeves is the sensationalistic news media, so you'll just have to go along with my ranting here and pretend that you actually give a damn regarding my utter contempt for the folks trying to make us think we'll immediately keel over and die if we don't glue televisions to our faces and watch every single live action police chase they air. If you are incapable of pretending to care, then just imagine that I'm a very wealthy Nigerian member of royalty and I'm about to give you a fake $36 million check just for agreeing to send me your life's savings.
According to my vague recollections of a Showtime movie starring that retarded man from "Wings," the so-called "Twinkie Defense" originated in 1979 when Dan White, a former police officer and longtime psychopath, decided to murder San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and his up-and-coming homosexual rookie administrative aide Harvey Milk. You see, Dan White wasn't the most stable individual in the world. Hell, I've known oxygen-15 samples which were more stable than Dan White. Ha ha, that's a little chemistry joke for you grizzled nerds out there! Thanks for playing along! White used to be the city supervisor of San Francisco, unaware that the city he was supervising had a considerable amount of people who enjoyed partaking in a considerable amount of homosexual activity. When this realization sank in, White began to get depressed, as shown by a series of images depicting him sitting in his house and drinking apple juice disguised as liquor because movie actors are not allowed to drink during movie shoots, even if they're in Showtime Original films (when liquor is truly needed to survive). This depression led Dan White to become increasingly depressed in a very depressing way, and soon he began to convert this emotion into raw hatred for non-Conservatives like George Moscone and a lot of those festive mincing folk who you regularly see in gay pride parades wearing rainbow-colored shirts with witty slogans printed across them like "cock: it's what's for dinner." Since White couldn't murder all the homosexuals in San Francisco, as that would take too long and he was not able to afford enough handgun ammunition, he settled for shooting the dynamic duo of Moscone and Milk inside of City Hall.
Dan White. Of course he's not the same Dan White that I'm referring to in this update, but who the fuck reads Something Awful for its meticulous fact checking?
Ultimately, these two murders ended up presenting a problem to Dan White's budding political aspirations, as he soon found out that shooting people was not only impolite but illegal as well. When he was brought to trial his attorney claimed that White's severe depression and unhealthy mental state was to blame for the double murders, not Dan White himself. To a certain degree, this man had a point; I mean, if Dan White had a good brain, then he obviously wouldn't have wanted to shoot people with a gun. There are tons of people with non-broken brains living across the world who don't murder political opponents on a regular basis, obviously excluding Byron "Low Tax" Looper. Due to a lapse in our fundamentally flawed legal system, White's attorney was not able to get a separate court hearing for Dan White's brain, so he had to settle for the next best thing: the ol' "temporary insanity" plea. The defense brought out a parade of highly trained psychologists who all claimed White was not responsible for the two murders even though he brought extra ammunition with him that day, intentionally avoided the metal detectors in the front lobby, and killed the two victims in a calculated fashion while fully reloading in between murders. Note that I failed to mention exactly what field these psychologists were "highly trained" in; if I had to guess, I'd probably assume it was skee-ball machine repair.
The attorneys went on to say that White's obvious mental condition could be proven by the fact that before his killing spree, he ate a lot of junk food, something that he previously did not do when he was much less insane. Yes, back in the late 70s and early 80s, the legal system actually allowed defendants to cite their diet as proof of their insanity. Just think about it; if Dan White had claimed he was eating dirt and lampshades before murdering those two city officials, he probably would've never served a single day of jail time! Hell, the President of the United States would've probably flown down to shake White's hand and hand him one of those hilariously oversized checks that people win in the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. For some unknown reason, White's conviction was reduced to "voluntary manslaughter" (as opposed to "he fucking shot two public officials to death in the goddamn City Hall") and his sentence was reduced to six years (as opposed to "a life sentence in a penal colony on the moon"). The gay community became outraged at this verdict, electing to riot and burn down many prosperous downtown fabric and home decorating stores throughout downtown San Francisco. White was released from prison in 1985 and promptly committed suicide despite the fact that his prison didn't serve any junk food and therefore he should've been completely sane.
Two unfortunate kids trapped inside the Matrix. Yes, being inside the Matrix turns you into a prematurely balding retard.
The media decided to capitalize on this court trial by dubbing it "The Twinkie Defense," claiming that Dan White escaped a double murder charge because he ate Hostess brand snack foods. See, this is how the American media likes to operate: news corporations don't care what really happens just as long as it can be selectively chopped up and distorted into something that will sell more newspapers and TV commercials in between broadcasts. It doesn't matter that "The Twinkie Defense" was not a defense nor ever presented as one, the important point here is that "The Twinkie Defense" can effectively cause the American public to get all rowdy and riled up in protest, thereby causing more people to watch television and buy newspapers so they know exactly how rowdy and riled up they should be at any given point in time. Now for the good news: it looks like we may have another "Twinkie Defense" on our hands, folks!
Guilty plea in 'Matrix' defense slayings - A teenager who shot his parents to death as his sister listened helplessly on the phone has pleaded guilty to murder and weapons charges. Attorneys for Joshua P. Cooke, 19, had planned to argue that their client confused right and wrong because he thought he was living in the virtual reality of the 1999 movie "The Matrix."
First off, I'd like to warmly welcome the exciting new "Matrix Defense" that newspapers and television broadcasts will soon embrace, claiming that if you think you're trapped inside a movie then you can murder people and get a lighter sentence. The next quarter I have to pay taxes and become intensely frustrated at the US Government, I'll start telling my attorney that I believed I was living inside the Rob Zombie movie "House of 1000 Corpses." Hell, anybody confined to a life inside that film should be allowed to shoot as many people as they like, preferably including themselves. Secondly, I'd like to express my appreciation that a movie is now getting kids to kill people, as opposed the cliched old "Doom made my son shoot the ice cream man" videogame crap has gotten really played out, and I'd truly enjoy it if Lt. Col. David Grossman dies when a shipping truck full of returned Postal 2 PC games backs over his skull. Finally, I'd like to point out that although the "Matrix Defense" may have a few fundamental flaws, such as the fact that you're still convicted if you attempt to use it in court, it is an airtight excuse and should be impossible to dismiss.
An old radio. Why? Because it is.
For example, can any of you right now prove that you're not in the Matrix? I know I sure can't; hell, I cannot even prove I'm sitting in my stolen office chair and typing this update right now. It's really quite difficult to prove anything with all the prescription and highly non-prescription medication that my brain has absorbed over the past decade or so. I may actually be a 50-year old black woman for all I know, in which case I cannot even successfully A/S/L myself. The whole premise behind "The Matrix" was that our minds are all trapped inside a giant computer while our real, physical bodies are floating around in jars of pickle brine juice in some other dimension where giant robotic squid fly around and generally fail to obey traffic laws. No wait, the premise was that Keanu Reeves is Jesus Christ and you have to take mysterious red pills in order to dropkick unfriendly IRS agents. Wait, that isn't it either. Okay, I don't really know what the basic message behind "The Matrix" is, but I do know that you can kill as many people as you want if you're in the Matrix because they're not real anyway and you probably won't have any points subtracted from your total score if you mow down innocent civilians with a submachinegun.
I eagerly anticipate the days when the news media picks up the "Matrix Defense" term and begins adopting it to inaccurately fail to describe things which didn't happen the way they claim they didn't even happen in the first place. Was that last sentence coherent at all? I hope not, because I honestly didn't intend for it to be in any sense. Soon, very soon I hope, we'll have a nation full of people who are killing their loved ones like June Bugs underneath a steamroller because they're convinced that everything in life is simply a scene from "The X-Men" or "On Golden Pond." The media will be rambling on and on about the "Matrix Defense" and we'll be a nation full of calves sucking from the teat of Ted Turner and local news broadcasts. I'm sorry if this update sounded like a bunch of disjointed ranting which didn't logically progress from one point to another, but I have to admit that I've been feeling really depressed lately and as a result, have changed my diet to a nonstop buffet of McDonalds and Twinkies. I never used to eat such junk food before I got depressed; all I previously used to eat was strange men's semen.
Sensei 2: The Undiscovered Country
And you thought I was going to make one of those fucking Electric Boogaloo jokes. Zack "Eistgay Ditoreay" Parsons here with a brand new Hentai Game Review for "Sensei 2", one of the worst games I have played to date. Don't believe me? Oh you will!
Bobby confronts Shuichi in the hallway and abruptly decides to beat the living shit out of him, which proves extremely easy since he's a Kennedy and Shuichi is about as tough as your average frail British boy in a Sid and Marty Krofft TV show. Once Isotoner sends a bruised and bloodied Shuichi off to Lidsville a change comes over our "hero". Since he's so good at getting his ass kicked Shuichi decides to give into his dark side. This dark side is sort of like the prism on the cover of that Pink Floyd album only instead of light going in and a rainbow coming out, Shuichi gets filled up with beatings and shoots out the entire spectrum of rape directly at Shoko.
This sounds like quite a barrel of fun! Get on your dancing shoes and soft-shoe your way over to this week's Hentai Game Review.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.