Greetings sports fans! Due to the huge amount of mainstream growth of this site, and the increased demographic of readers that happen to be old men that fall asleep watching baseball games, I've decided to dedicate Saturday to sports and only sports. That's right, a no holds barred look at the big stories in today's sporting news including scores, highlights, trade rumors, and intense debates about controversial sports issues with my magical toy monkey, Hector. I realize that this will be in direct contrast with the other six days of nerdy articles about video games and Japanese snacks, but some jocks are starting to discover the Internet, and it's my job as a political activist to represent the minority. So without further ado, let's get it on! Sports that is, not sexual intercourse.

Top Stories

Mike Tyson gets in fight with a tree
Yesterday afternoon, "Iron" Mike Tyson was involved in an altercation with a tree in New York's Central Park. Apparently, Tyson was jogging past the tree while getting ready for a upcoming bout with a random white guy that Don King picked out while eating lunch at a Jack in the Box. The wind happened to pick up, making the tree branches sway to and fro. Tyson took this as a challenge, and attacked without warning, catching the tree unawares. A flurry of savage punches slammed into the tree's bark causing fragmented pieces to fly through the air. The enraged former champ then took a large bite out of a knot on the tree, causing thick sap to ooze from the open wound. The fight was clearly Tyson's, yet he did not walk away unscathed. After a powerful combo of jabs to the tree's large mid trunk, Tyson broke his right hand in four places. Although this means Iron Mike won't be fighting anytime soon, Don King has already arranged a rematch with the tree at Madison Square Garden with tickets going for $200 apiece. The boxing commission welcomes the new arrival of horticulture to the sport, and hope this will give boxing the boost it so badly needs.

Baseball game delayed by weird looking cloud
The fans and players at the Pittsburgh Pirates match up against the Boston Red Sox got a little more than they bargained for when a strange looking cloud drifted through the sky over the stadium. All eyes looked upwards, fixated on the queer cloud that had an almost unexplainable shape. The players on the field sat down on the grass pondering, prompting the officials to delay the game until a proper wind sent the vaporous visitor on its way. The public perception on what the cloud looked like is varied, from the standard Abraham Lincoln, to a castle, spaceship, a badger, a lump of mashed potatoes, or even Hall of Famer Ozzie Smith's right thigh. Fistfights broke out over heated debates about the cloud's shape by some of the more intoxicated fans. As soon as the mysterious cloud was out of sight, the game resumed and the Red Sox rallied to win 6 to 5. After the game, the Pirate's head coach had this to say: "I think this is a game we would like to forget, but I don't think anybody will ever forget that weird looking cloud."

Carolina Panthers charged with drive-by shooting
The issue of the high amount of felons playing in the NFL has just reached a boiling point as the Carolina Panthers football team has been charged with a drive-by shooting in a local suburb this past week. A one Jasper Jackson was walking to his mailbox in his robe and slippers when the Panther's team bus pulled alongside of him. A eruption of fire poured out of the bus windows, riddling Mr. Jackson's body with 274 bullets. The bus then quickly sped away to training camp where the team was getting ready for the 2004 season. The authorities are still not completely sure what triggered the violent outburst, but they have received tips that Jackson was wearing Tennessee Titan colors at a popular gang hangout. The NFL has reacted swiftly, suspending 10 players and fining the others $15k each. The judge appointed to the trial dismissed the case on grounds of lack of evidence, despite the fact that the kicker for the team filmed the crime. The judge was overhead saying "Look, the last thing I need to do is piss off a bunch of monstrous criminal millionaires. Besides, this year I think we really got a chance at taking it all the way." Jackson is survived by a couple stank hos and a pitbull.

Scores

Toronto Blue Jays: 4
Chicago Cubs: 1

LA Lakers: 106
Dallas Mavericks: I don't know

Tiger Woods: -1 under par
Pete Sampras: 7-7-6

Detroit Tigers: 0
Detroit Lions: 0

Mike Tyson: 317
Tree: 240

Sports Gab with Frolixo and Hector

Frolixo: "In this edition of Sports Gab, we are going to talk about women being integrated into male dominated sports. With me, as always, is Hector the monkey, providing his sometimes unpopular, although always thought provoking, views. Women have been making great strides in sports as of late. Of course I'm talking about Annika Sorenstam and her entrance into the men only golf tournament. This has taken the media by storm, and has shaken the sports world to its foundation. What's your take on this, Hector?"
Hector the monkey: "All women belong in my kitchen cooking me brownies and then giving me oral pleasure. Next question."
Frolixo: "Hector! That's terrible! Women have made huge advances in the last hundred years and your statement reaffirms that there are still roadblocks to progress. Can you really sit there and truthfully say that's how you feel?"
Hector the monkey: "Listen you little ginger snap, when I get home from busting my hump at the steel mill, I expect my woman to have prepared a nice hot meal for me, and the house be spotless of dirt and grime. How can she attend to her wifely duties if she's chasing a rubber ball around or taking joy rides in golf carts all day. It's madness! If Strom Thurmond was alive, things would be different.
Frolixo: "Wow. So you are totally against women playing any type of sport whatsoever? Don't you know it keeps many women fit and healthy? Next thing you know you'll want to take away their right to vote."
Hector the monkey: "They can vote? I must have missed that one. Hey don't get me wrong firecrotch, I like a nice trim woman, and will accept nothing less. If my old lady starts packing on the pounds I can tell she's been cheating on her daily rations, and I give her what for. After sleeping in the garage for a few months, she'll beg to let her back in bed.
It is my personal opinion that the large increase of women playing sports is a Black Chino-Jewish conspiracy aimed at stealing all our women away while we're at work. I have some flow charts in my basement proving this."
Frolixo: "Ok, I can see we're getting nowhere because of your ignorant sexist and racist blathering. This whole edition of Sports Gab is ruined now. Are you happy with yourself, Hector? Does that make you feel like a big monkey?"
Hector the monkey: "Cram it Paskiewicz. I'm not afraid to come over there and feed you these cymbals you dirty pollack."
Frolixo: "You don't scare me! Your days of lording over me are over, I don't need you anymore. I'd like to see you try to come over here so I can teach you a lesson, you plastic simian fuck!"
Frolixo: "AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE"

That does it for this edition of Weekend Sports Report. I hope you join us next week for all the latest news and scores, as well as an exclusive interview with baseball great, Darryl Strawberry. We told him it was a job interview but we'll just ask him questions about outfielding while freebasing. See you next week sports fans!

(p.s. Happy Birthday to the current forum Idiot King "Quick Stop". He is 10 years old today and likes to dress up like a little princess.)

State Og: Because Sometimes You Just Want to Cuddle

Howdy, Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell here again to fulfill my obligational duty to please your booty. This week's State Og update is focused entirely on our employees, but it focused too hard and its eyes got kind of crossed. While I slap it in the back of the head to try and fix it, check out this preview:

Lucas was abandoned on our doorstep as an infant, swaddled in a blanket that appeared to be made entirely of cat fur. As it turns out, he was just an incredibly hairy baby. We were so impressed by the little bastard that we hired him on the spot as a customer service representative. After three years of fielding calls by screaming unintelligibly as our customers have come to expect, Lucas felt it was time to move on and we agreed. He was given a promotion to our marketing division, where he called people at dinnertime and screamed at them unintelligibly in a crude attempt to get them to buy our products.

I like to think that by reading this week's State Og, you'll grow closer to our employees. Perhaps close enough for one of them to grab you and put you to work in one of our ketchup mines. Sure we haven't struck ketchup yet, but we're that close, and your enslavement could make all the difference.

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.