Thinking about you finally getting hitched makes me smile so hard my back teeth are gonna break up like crackers in a chili bowl. I been thinking about this wedding for years. Y'all get one chance to throw your son a perfect wedding and it's gotta be right. Every detail. Perfect.
Bobby, you got to stop jacking off in cars. No more of that. And wear headphones when you blast your moan tapes. Ain't nobody in the restaurant needs to hear that at this moment. They need to be picturing you as a dad and a husband, not you telling a girl you want to spit on her butthole. Where do you come up with that stuff, Bobby? It ain't me.
Now, get a look at this. I picked out the right location. There's a beautiful plantation just right down the road from the restaurant where they used to bring all the escaped slaves they hunted down. It has these huge, white columns and cute little huts where they used to store the slaves. And this huge kettle where they'd boil 'em up like a soup when they finally got caught trying to start a revolt.
Those times were so romantic. I told the plantation owner I had to have the place for the wedding and then I told him a joke.
How many n-words does it take to change a light bulb? Give up? One white guy to change the light bulb and 30 black guys to come in late and lie about the hours they worked on their time sheet. I know what they do. I know how they are.
Thinking out the decorations has been so much fun. I want to put little sunflower bonnets on some little baby gooks and put them in flower pots. Gooks are so cute and they are real docile. You just tell them once, "lie down there in the pot" and they'll just stay like that. They're born that way.
I want to have a chocolate water-full and balloons for the kids and a little station where y'all can shave off muslim beards. Hand out clippers and just zip them right off. If you got a little one you can keep the bag of hair to glue on a doll.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.