That's not a cowboy you're thinking of, that's a centaur. It's a common mistake, but cowboys and centaurs hate each other.

Sometimes America's President likes to pretend he is a cowboy, but he really is a guy from Connecticut. I think a real cowboy would make a pretty good President. We could all finally stop worrying about cattle rustlers.

In the Bible, cowboys are called "shepherds" and six-shooters are called "crooks." This is pretty confusing during the bank robbery part in Corinthians.

A cowboy is just a prospector who didn't find any gold.

Crows have the most merchandise tie-ins of any bird. I bet you thought it was penguins that had the most, but it isn't. It's crows.

Parrots have no idea what they're talking about and should probably watch what they say because their beaks are writing checks their cloaca can't cash.

I saw a movie where a bunch of geese followed an ultralight airplane in formation. It was pretty cool in the movie, but that would get annoying really fast if every time you landed there was a gaggle of geese standing there honking. Then some guy would come out and say, "Look, buddy, get these geese off the runway they are a menace to my airport."

Talking about parrots again, I saw a TV show about an African Grey Parrot that could tell different keys apart and talk about colors and count and stuff. You know what else can do that? Any baby ever. Way to go, Mr. Bird. Wow, you are so smart. Here is an honorary doctorate. You should teach a correspondence course on keys and which one is biggest. I think we have a lot to learn from you.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.