Hi there! My name is Joshua Taylor, and I'm a 13 year old home-schooled Christian, and I'm real proud of it! Some of you might remember me from the time I talked about taking drugs with gay devil-worshipping bikers, but this article isn't about that. My youth pastor says talking about that with you all was a big mistake, and that Jesus frowned when he saw the article and also furrowed his brow. So to make things up to Jesus, I'm going to be answering real questions that were emailed to me by readers. Hopefully I can set you all on the right path, so you won't end up in embarrassing situations like my gay biker one. Ok, let's get started!
When do you think the world is going to end? Who do you think the antichrist is? Is he gay?
That's a great question, Remy. Um, three great questions I guess. Those are three great questions, Remy. I don't know when the world ends, but I hope it's before I get too far into this puberty stuff cuz based on what my youth pastor says there's like basically no way to get through that stuff without sinning a whole bunch and also I guess girls become manifestations of the devil which he said will be really hard for me, but I'd think it'd be way harder for them, I dunno.
I don't know exactly who the Anti-Christ is, but he's probably gay. He'd kinda have to be, wouldn't he?
* * * * *
Hello Joshua Taylor I would like to know what are your positions on the Iraq War and what solution do you have to this war (with Jesus's help of course)
Well, obviously the easiest thing would be for Jesus to come down personally and tell all those Arab guys to stop fighting against democracy and freedom or whatever they are fighting against (to be honest, I do not get the chance to see much news but my mom fills me in pretty well).
On the other hand, I don't think Jesus will do that because he has this whole thing about us doing stuff for ourselves while he gives us stuff like blessings and super strength and maybe flying someday (that'd be AWESOME) so I say we just stay the course and let Mr. President Bush continue sorting things out on the frontlines of the war like he has been. I kind of picture him leading the charge on a giant eagle decked out in full eagle armor, but he's probably riding like a super-cool pick up truck when he leads charges instead.
* * * * *
I have a few questions for you. Thank you. Please save my soul!
Sure thing, Derek. Let me take them one at a time.
1. If you could ask the Mythbusters to prove one story or part of the Bible, what would it be and why?
I probably wouldn't want them trying to prove anything in the Bible, and in my next sentence I will tell you why. The Mythbusters like to bust myths using explosions and a hot babe, and both of those things, while sometimes fun, are not things you want anywhere near your bible. That's like Bible-Taking-Care-Of 101.
2. How do you think Jesus looked?
For one thing, I bet he had the biggest muscles ever because he's half-God, half-human and so he probably didn't have to work out at all to get a six-pack ("Behold these pecs. I'm ripped. Lo." Mark 14:6).
Other than that, I think most theologians agree that he had long hair and a beard. As for race (because I bet that's what you're trying to get me to say), I've seen a bunch of pictures and he had different skin color in all of them so I think I figured it out: I bet Jesus had like holographic skin where it was all different colors depending on where you were standing.
This makes sense for two reasons: A) He wouldn't offend anyone and no one could say stuff like "Hey, that guy doesn't represent me because I'm Mocha Chocolate Chip Brown and he's white." B) When he walked down the street he would be flashing all these different colors and I bet it would really impress people and convince people that he was God. If anyone doubted him he could just keep steping forward and backward and be like "Now I'm Asian, now I'm Mexican, now I'm Asian again. Can you do this? No, because I'm God. Let us pray."
3. What is the best thing to do, Bible-wise, when you find yourself looking at a girl's chest?
Probably hold the Bible up a little higher so you can't see her chest anymore.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The good news is the republican convention is over. The bad news is if I can escape this police car how do I anull a marriage??
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.