Hi there folks, I'm Mike Rowboat. Today on Repugnant Jobs we're celebrating our one hundredth episode by taking a look back at some of the filthiest workplaces we've visited in this great country of ours. You know, if it wasn't for the average joes cleaning semen off of microprocessor lab ceilings and removing dead bodies from candy bar vending machines, the rest of us wouldn't live nearly as comfortably as we do today. The work of these men and women often goes unappreciated, but they are truly the embodiment of all that is good and just in the universe and they should probably be bestowed with a medal and the power to decide who lives and who dies.
Repugnant jobs, repugnant jobs
Clean up public bathrooms and masturbate dogs
These jobs need done for the good of mankind
Unclog the drains in a slaughterhouse and see what you find
Repugnant jobs, repugnant jobs
Not quite as shameful as writing political blogs
Give sponge baths to burn victims and shovel some coal
Gotta get a repugnant job to meet the conditions of your parole
From Episode 014 - Diamond In The Roughage
Mike:I'm here with Don and we're approximately fifty feet beneath the city of Seattle in a particularly dank, dingy corner of the sewer system. Don has a very elaborate and horrifying piece of machinery down here. What exactly am I looking at?
Don:A device I built just for this job, Mike. It's one of a kind and sort of difficult to explain. First, we have this intake valve. This is where all of the city's raw sewage comes in. Next it goes through that chamber, which separates the solid waste from the liquid.
Mike:So in car terms, the first part of this process would be like the... spark plug?
Don:No, not at all.
Mike:Brakes? Battery? Glove box?
(Silence as they look at one another)
Don:So then the waste gets deposited onto this conveyer belt, where I sift through it with my bare hands. That's what you'll be doing today.
Mike:What exactly are we trying to find inside of the solid waste, Don?
Don:Diamond rings. Everyone's heard stories about someone dropping their ring in a sink or the shower or the toilet. My job is to find those rings and sell them for money.
Mike:By sifting through human waste with your hands. How long have you been doing this?
Don:Little over fifteen years.
Mike:And how many rings would you estimate you've found in that time?
Mike:What's the most surprising thing you've found?
Don:I'd probably say shit. Of course we're dealing with raw sewage here, but I've been pleasantly surprised by just how much shit comes through this place on a daily basis. You'd think there would be a lot more goldfish and condoms and Gameboys, but no. It's mostly shit.
Mike:I noticed that the solid waste eventually heads back into the main line, but the pipe that carries the liquid away goes in a completely different direction. Where does all liquid waste that end up, Don?
Don:I have survived these last fifteen years by not asking about that, Mike. If you value your life you will put it out of your mind immediately.
From Episode 037 - Horsin' Around
Mike:Hi there, folks. Today I'm here with...?
Mike:Hector, here at the Oakdale Ranch in Colorado. So what are we doing today, Hector? I see we've got some sort of a bird here.
Hector:Horse. This is a horse.
Mike:Ah, yes. So what are we doing?
Hector:Well, this horse is named Stephanie and we are going to do an abortion for her.
Mike:Really. See, I wasn't aware that such a thing was possible.
Hector:(laughs) Oh, it's possible Mike. We perform around sixty of these procedures a month for various ranches in this area.
Mike:Now why, exactly? Don't the cowboys want as many horses to be born as possible?
Hector:Well, unlike human beings horses cannot speak so they cannot ask for abortions. According to our research 10% of human pregnancies are unwanted, so after nine horses on any particular ranch become pregnant we perform an abortion for the tenth. Our job is basically to give these horses the freedom of choice that they cannot ask for.
Mike:Gotcha. I'm looking around and I don't see any surgical tools, Hector. Did you leave them in the car?
Hector:No, our service is all-natural. Nowadays if your company isn't organic or "green" you lose out on a lot of business.
Mike:I see. So since I'm here to experience your job firsthand, what exactly am I going to have to do? Just reach in that horse and squeeze?
Hector:(laughs) No. No, nothing like that. Before we proceed I'm going to ask that you remove the shoe and sock from the foot that you kick with and sterilize it in this bucket of alcohol. You might want to roll up your pants leg as well, unless you're wearing those new placenta-guard Dockers.
From Episode 072 - Flapping Our Gums
Mike:We're in scenic downtown Baltimore with Charles, and today we're doing what exactly?
Charles:We are testing the gum.
Mike:Testing the gum. Which gum would that be?
Charles:Oh, all of it. On the sidewalk, stuck on the sides of buildings, under bus stop benches.
Mike:What are we testing it for?
Charles:Freshness. We taste the gum, then determine if it still has flavor. If it does, we put it back where we found it. If it does not have flavor, we deposit it into this paper bag.
Mike:Okay, here's a wad of gum. It has a thin film of ash on top and it's sort of beige on the bottom.
Charles:Give it a chew, buddy.
Mike:It's umm... hmm. It tastes like nightmares.
Charles:That's still good then. All flavors are good, blandness is bad. Put it back.
Mike:Oh, hey. I think I just caught a stray bullet in my hip.
Charles:Yeah, that'll happen.
From Episode 093 - Office-ial Business
Mike:Today I'm with Carol in a workplace that's quite foreign to Repugnant Jobs. What exactly is this place, Carol? Some sort of aquarium?
Carol:It's an office.
Mike:Ah, yes. Hence all the neckties and desks. What are we doing today?
Carol:I will give you a pile of reports, and you will type the contents of those reports into our database using a computer.
Mike:That doesn't sound very gross at all, but fine by me. It'll be a nice change of pace.
(Montage of Mike relaxing in his chair with a cup of coffee, typing while listening to music as the hours pass)
Man In A Biohazard Suit:Three o'clock!
(The man in a biohazard suit opens a valve on the fire hose he has carried into the room, blasting the entire office with liquefied raw sewage. Mike is knocked out of his chair by the jetstream, but the other employees hardly move, calmly clutching onto their desks as they continue to look at their computers.)
Mike:Wait a second. Can someone please answer a simple question for me?
Mike:What do I do with these files once I've finished with them?
Carol:Take them into the storage closet, put them on the tarp and force your fingers down the eagle's throat until he vomits all over them. Then just climb into the compost pile and root around until you find a good spot for them in the boiling tar at the bottom.
They told us to stop playing videogames on a school night. If only we'd ignored them.
As a vicious predator, I find that I have a constant, overwhelming urge to lick apples out of a huge block of ice. It's only, natural, right?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.