Thanks to forum Goon Quizal for starting up this and next week's Comedy Goldmine, "Awkward Times With Parents."
I've walked in on my mom and her ex-boyfriend just after they had sex when I was five, walked in on my mom and step-dad as he was giving her oral when I was maybe 7 or 8, walked in on my mom topless a few times, caught her masturbating with a vibrator more than once, and I've frequently heard my mom and step-dad going at it. It might be safe to say that this family has issues with locking doors, or maybe I'm just really stupid/unlucky.
More recently, my mom walked in on me as my ex-girlfriend decided to straddle and dry hump me. She also busted into my room when I was in there with another ex with the lights off and began screaming and yelling and flailing her arms around in some psychotic fit. It ended up scaring the shit out of my girlfriend to the point of panic, and I had to escort her home. My mom still hates her.
Also, my dad has walked in on me while I was masturbating, and later yelled at me to wait until I went to bed or to do it in the shower. My mom caught me a few times as well, but she was always weird about it, saying stuff like, "Awwww, what were YOU doing?"
When I turned 18, my dad e-mailed me porn. I don't talk to him much anymore. I didn't talk to him much before I turned 18, either, and he always seemed to want to watch the dirtier movies when my mom wasn't home that night.
When I was at home a few weeks ago, there was something on the news about Ron Jeremy. My mom asks aloud "who is Ron Jeremy?" and I immediately answer "he's a porn star" without even thinking about who I was talking to. She spins around to face me and demands "How do you know that!?"
My reply: "I am a very lonely person, mother."
In high school I was hanging out at a boyfriend's place, watching a movie in his room. Things picked up, I had my shirt off, and his jeans were kicked off to the side. Just as I get to kneeling, there's knocking on the bedroom door. I managed to get my shirt on, but his pants were only about a quarter on when his dad walked in. He took one look at me, one look at his son, says "Might want to zip your pants up," and walks back out. The guy spent the rest of the night trying to convince me to blow him at the local park. Needless to say, it was a short-lived relationship.
Once me and my girlfriend were arriving at her house sometime in the middle of the day. Apparently her dad wasn't expecting us to be arriving anytime soon because as we unlocked the door we found some really old style porn playing on the TV. This was like 80's unshaved lesbian porn... really bad stuff. We walked further into the house and found her dad digging through a cabinet full of video tapes. He merely looked up at us and said "Oh hi! I was just watching some old home videos!" We were both in a state of shock; I think we just ran off to her room so we could die laughing.
My girlfriend and I both had web cams, so on nights when we were bored and couldn't see each other for some reason we would mess around on the web cams, taking videos and pictures or whatever. Well, I come home one day and my mom is like "are any ofonline? Your dad said he found some of them and was looking through them." At first I had no idea what she could be referring to, but I ran off to double check, since there was a second set of much, MUCH dirtier pictures of us that should never have graced any sort of public forum. I couldn't find anything available online that shouldn't be there, so I double check my dad's computer to see just what he may have been doing. Apparently, I left his computer logged into my computer via windows file sharing from earlier when I was doing something and he started browsing my laptop's files. I just simply disconnected the share and tried to face my mom again after explaining the situation. She just simply said "It's okay, we all take pictures of our loved ones." She's a cool mom.
I had my first real girlfriend when I was 15/16 (late birthday). I was a Junior in High School, and she was a Senior (16/17). She was the first girl I ever really kissed, and well, did everything with to be honest. She used to spend the night at my place all the time, and my parents were always really cool about it. I guess they figured I/we were too young to be doing anything else. I remember one day out of the blue, my mother asked me one day, "when Leslie sleeps over, you two don't...'do' anything do you?” I simply answered the truth, like a good little boy would."yup". My mom went and cried for a few hours. After that, they were always really cool with it with any of my gf's, including that first one. I was rather surprised by it really.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.