This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.

HELLO!!!!! I am writing you an inspirational email today to let you know that I too faced the bully threat in my youth. A huge girl like 3 years older than me and very tall gave me big problems in a lot of different ways and her prime bully bud was a very small boy with slicked back black hair and a mean attitude but I was the winner in the end and you can be too if you encounter any bullies at work or play. It is a time tested system that can’t be beat!!!

First you must understand that at age 12/13 it was a very embarrassing thing to have your puberty noticed by other kids, to the point where it became an insult to walk by someone and look at them then turn to your friends and say “Wow Your Puberty Is Obvious...” and walk off because if puberty is thought to be occurring that means they are getting hair all over and things are growing or showing and Feelings happen and your body is changing in new disgusting ways. For over 2 years i was tormented by other kids including the Big Bully who would go around and cough and say “Puberty” in the cough or take my work when i’m away from my desk and erase my name and write “Pubert I. Grosskid” instead. It was my darkest time and the time i dug the most holes in my backyard (for burying Puberty pamphlets, booklets, etc so I would not think about it) even though I don’t even know how they knew my puberty was happening but that is beside the point.

Near the end of the school year I had a plan to end the bullying. During the morning bulletin one morning when it was my turn to read on the speaker, i read an announcement that said “The U.S. Government Invented A Puberty Beam That Makes You Go Through 2nd Puberty For Extra Thick Hair In Even Funnier Places. They Tested It On A Pot-Bellied Pig And The Results Were Terrible And The Experiment Was Not A Success. They Are Now Looking For Local Jerk Kids Who Make Fun Of Pubes To Test It On. In Other News A Fat Bully Kid Got An Arm Wound Infected By A Poop Contact... He Made Fun Of Puberty Kids... Rest In Bully Peace...”

Years later i met the Big Bully Girl at the store and she looks like a Big Lucy Lawless and had like 8 kids and a big tuft of armpit hair shooting out that looked like a slow motion bomb explosion going off. “What A Pity” is what i said out loud from a distance, and then she looked up so I mouthed the words “Obvious Puberty...” and ditched my shopping cart and jogged back to the car and got the heck out of there. She was a mom and couldn’t run like I could. Now the bullied becomes the bully... Also the really small kid got bone cancer in his face or something and died but rest assured I had the last laugh!! GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DAD

THE HAPPIEST MAN IN TOWN!!!!!!

– Dad (@fart)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

About This Column

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.