We ran across some terrible roms that we couldn't wait to show you. Not only that, but you need to be aware of them, for the sake of many things that we are not even at liberty to say, They are unbearable even to the children of the 80's who loved "Goonies II" and who wasted literally months of their lives trying to get past that goddamned stupid mermaid (I'll get that bitch if it's the last thing I do).
Throughout your journey across wherever the fuck you are, you will encounter horribly scary enemies like bugs, a blue triangle, an object which I think was either a bird or a baseball, and many bottomless pits that kill you even before you have a chance to accidentally fall into them. The entire game seems to consist of platform jumping, leaping from clouds to floating tables to cauldron things which defy gravity and all laws of decency. Beetlejuice's intimidating offensive attack consists of him stomping his foot down like very angry homosexual hairdresser. Naturally, this attack does absolutely nothing and isn't even powerful enough to make a sound of any kind come from the game, and its sole purpose is to think, "boy, this stomping thing sure is about nine bazillion times cooler than the nonstop jumping puzzles in the game!" Speaking of which, they aren't even puzzles; they're just jumping with a complete lack of control. You can pick up exciting powerups such as a flower that grows and shrinks for no reason, but they won't help you against such deadly enemies as the flashing neon light and the circle which makes a triangle appear. If I was Michael Keaton, I'd force the executives at Rare LTD. to say my name three times so I could suddenly appear and stab them to death with an icepick.
Name: "Friday the 13th"
At some points in the game a Jason-like figure appears and either kills you or humps your leg for awhile before running back to wherever it is that he came from. He has a lovely ensemble of blue mask and a purple jogging suit combined with the added effect of random pieces of his hair sticking out from his head- Truly menacing! Apparently there is a scene later in the game in which you are forced to fight a giant Medusa head but there is no way in hell that I am playing this dumb game long enough to get to that part. In any case, the stupid kids run around and the killing continues. The point of this game is very confusing because when you see children you are supposed to take them with you but they don't even want to go, so they sit there like dumb rocks waiting for their more-than-timely demise. The enemies are also rather dull. They use the same stupid zombie things to kill you in the forest, on the paths by the cabins, and in the water. Hooray for variety and quality, well-thought-out video games of yore. But the good news is that they are still making the movies!
Lexon, who I believe is supposed to either be an alien bartender or a drunk alien pimp, likes to play aggressively and bounce the Shufflepuck off the Shuttlewalls so there's no way in hell you can move your slow-ass paddle to deflect them. Skip, a reject from "Revenge of the Nerds 19: The Nerds Get Scurvy" has a paddle which is approximately nine miles long, yet is unable to ever deflect a shot back to you. Then there's The Crazy Jap Psycho (I don't remember his name) who's paddle is minuscule but is able to make the Shufflepuck accelerate to speeds of over 900 miles an hour. See, that's called "game balance" folks! The only people who really understand this concept are the people at Broderbund Software, which I believe stopped making games in 1982. At least I hope they did.
I would like to know what terrors lurk in the deeps beneath fabled Dogtown, but I would also like to know who the creator of "Dogtown" is so that I can fine a sewer large enough and deep enough for him to be dropped into. Man, if I were that cat I would move because why would you want to live in a town full of manholes, dogsm and cars? Silly apron-wearing cat. Perhaps she will bake me some breads.
Play these games. Play them for a long time. Then write a 90-page dissertation on the collapse of modern civilization.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
"God of War is the realization of our collective hopes and dreams, not just as gamers, but as gamer-citizens."
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Sea of Thieves: Reduced the number of quest types from 3 to 2
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