Todd from Accounts PayableDue to the fact that I am often told to "please sit down" during all-hands meetings, I have no choice but to send this e-mail out to every employee in the company, as well as our shareholders. After all, an institution like ours thrives on a free exchange of ideas, even if the several sensitivity seminars I was forced to take after the "secret Santa incident" attempted to imply otherwise.
Now, I have heard some common complaints from women around the workplace. And I would like to state right off the bat that I am not sexist and will gladly lend an ear to the problems of females, even if they do tend to go on and on... you guys know what I'm talking about. Listen closely at our workplace for those piercing, shrill voices, and you'll hear plenty of gripes: "wage gap" this and "repeated sexual harassment" that, and even the odd "that guy keeps smelling my chair." But the issue at hand isn't women being ungrateful about you making minor, helpful adjustments to their seat cushions with your face while they're at lunch.
Simply put, women are unfit for office work.
Any ladies out there may be shocked after reading the above sentence, but I assure you I am not sexist. In fact, I base my findings on several peer-reviewed studies written by some of the top Redditors out there. The truth is, biologically, there are certain things women are better at, and even though they don't make money and can easily be performed by simple machines, these tasks are much better suited to the female brain. Women do not excel when placed in the high-stakes and competitive world of business, and have problems paying attention during prolonged conversations, like when you're trying to explain the nuanced differences between the different Doctors in Doctor Who. (Which I will no longer be watching as women are also biologically unfit to be timelords.)
Does this mean I want every workplace to be completely free of women? Yes, it does. But this desire comes from a place of sympathy for the fairer sex. Can you imagine what it's like to be a woman in the office? (Women, please stay quiet on this one.) All you want to do is watch soap operas, go shopping, and continue to not return my calls, and there you are, trapped in a hell your biologically different brain can't possibly tolerate. Plus, you're just on your feet all day long. Why go through this misery when you can instead be on your feet all day at home in front of a hot stove, where you're free to stand on as many cushions as you want to for the sake of comfort?
Plus, despite their biological inferiorities--once again, completely backed up by science--women have a distinct advantage in the workplace. If I want to get a raise, can I slip into a revealing outfit, sit on Mr. Peterson's lap, and find myself in a new tax bracket? Yet, every day, women intimidate me into submission with their breasts, buttocks, and lower thighs, and then have the audacity to follow up my invited glares with a dirty look. Scientifically, the male eye is designed to wander--they were engineered to find multiple mates during caveman times--and what happens when I'm hypnotized by the brazen display of a collar bone? Somebody takes the last blueberry bagel.
In closing, I would like to thank all of you for your time; especially the women--through science I have learned they have an extremely hard time reading and responding to my e-mails. And if any of this has upset you, please understand this falls under freedom of speech, which means nothing bad can happen to me for sending this. If you'd like to know more about why women are the pathetic victims of biology, join me every Thursday at 6:00pm down at the Chili's for a regular meeting on this very subject. But please keep in mind most of these meetings gradually shift into a Magic: The Gathering tournament after the first hour.
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
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