As all of you out there know, Something Awful is a spectacular journalistic bastion of truth, justice, and freedom. Every day you refresh our page, you can be sure to see an award-winning analysis of various current events, usually entitled "The page cannot be displayed" and ending with a statement advising you to click your back button and try another link. While some of the "other" news sites constantly spew garbage and float around the Internet like partially digested Ramen noodles in a college fraternity's toilet bowl, readers of this site know that day in and day out they will be served warm loaves of fresh-baked wit and intelligence. Our commitment to you is simple: we keep you all tuned in to the frequency of the world while asking for nothing in return except hate mail telling us that we are, in fact, quite retarded.
With these ill-conceived notions in mind, we have decided to create a roundtable discussion of current events so all you readers will better be able to get "both sides of the issue." Although our site been rated 100% objective by scientists using highly scientific items like a calculator and one of those things with the needles and rubber tongs on the ends, we feel that there's even more we can do to present a full and impartial view of the world events that affect your lives. The Something Awful Roundtable Discussion is a way for you, the readers, to view current events from different people with a varying outlook on life. So without further delay, let me introduce the guests for today's Something Awful Roundtable Discussion.
THE TOPIC: "Global Effects of America's Role in Afghanistan"
|Jeff K., a notorious master of the hacking arts, is widely known for his liberal stance regarding Constitutional rights. Also, one time he got five straight kills in Counter-Strike, a game which he claims is for "fagots."||The Talking Ass may or may not be Lieutenant Colonel Grossman, depending on the situation. Despite his lack of a constant name, his ideology is staunchly conservative and against any form of media which could possibly corrupt our precious youth.|
Some Guy Who Hates SA
|John Romero, having experienced a stunning rise to fame (production of "Daikatana") followed by a sudden crash of failure (release of "Daikatana"), is able to view issues from the proverbial "both sides of the coin." He also wants you to purchase your next phone at Cellphone World in Northpoint Mall.||Although many of you reading this site do so because you enjoy it, there are apparently vocal groups of people who choose to read this site because they loathe and despise the writers and the content produced. Some Guy Who Hates SA has a unique outlook that provides a fresh spin on events.|
MODERATOR: Thank you all for agreeing to participate in today's SA Roundtable Discussion. As you are all aware, the US has recently begun an active bombing campaign in Afghanistan. This campaign has been officially described as an anti-terrorist response to the September 11th attacks against America, and could possibly spread to other countries labeled as "terrorist-friendly." Do you think this traditional military campaign can succeed?
JOHN ROMERO IN A PHONE SUIT: Well first of all, I'd like to thank you for letting me speak in this discussion. It's good to get out; I get cramped up from being in the house all the time in addition to being cramped up from wearing this phone suit which alerts the public to the fact that all Nokia phones are 25% off for this week only at Cellphone World. Being in a phone costume really changes your perspective on these events, and while I would've traditionally answered "yes" to the question you asked, I must admit that I now totally forgot what the original question was. So I'm going to have to go for a "maybe" on this one.
JEFF K.!!!!!!: WELL WELL WELL!!!! I THIENK TEH TERRORTITS IN AFMAGISTAN ARE Getting a bomb exxplosian on teh FACES from a law RULE!!!!!1 and teh law si for AMAMRICA AND teh terrortits!!! so Geroge Bush JR si a good peridesnet and he says "hey Afmagistans! YUOR GETTING A PRESENT EARLEY FROM SANTA CLAUSE THIS YEAR!!! AND TEH PRESENT IS A DEATH PRESENT FOR YUO!!!!" and teh terrortits might learn a good lesson from a good guy but who knows!!!
MODERATOR: What similarities between the Gulf War and Operation: Enduring Freedom do you think are the most obvious at this point?
SOME GUY WHO HATES SA: Why the hell am I answering these questions? God dammit, every word you type makes me cringe in disgust. I can't even explain in human terms how sick and angry I was after I read through all 185 articles in your archives last night. Then, after I downloaded your entire site to my harddrive so I could make backup copies of it and read it on my laptop, my stomach was just boiling with rage. You guys are the biggest idiots I've ever seen and your site sucks so much that I think I'll continue to read it and comment on exactly how much it sucks, you fucking sucking suck suckers.
JEFF K.!!!!!!: I JUST GOt an emale asking for my adivice on a FILE!!!1 but I am too bussey to answar emales so Ill close thies program and reply to yuor questian latar maeybe aftar a LIGHT SNACK!!.
JOHN ROMERO IN A PHONE SUIT: There are many similarities, in my opinion. For example, the first mission for the US forces depends on disabling all air defense systems that could possibly damage their coalition aircraft. This is done in a horizontal-scrolling environment, much like my upcoming game "Larry Livestock's Intergalactic Postal Delivery Circus," a game that puts the "fu" back into "fun"! While the graphics and gameplay will appeal to casual gamers, the "hardcore" gamers will be delighted by our inclusion of "hardcore" gaming aspects such as a score based on points and a control system that allows your character to move to the left when you push the "move left" button.
THE TALKING ASS: Let's not beat around the bush and let's instead strike a poker in the dishwater while the oven is hot. The cause of terrorism is simple: the Afghanistanianiania Talibaneseinarian people grew up in a culture of violence. All they know is violence. All they talk about is violence. If you were to walk up to one of them and say "hey, how are you?" they wouldn't respond because most of them don't speak English. But if they did, do you know how they'd respond? With violence. They don't have any violent video games there, but they are still allowed to use AM radios which only pick up one station and that station usually just has a test tone playing all day. But when the radio station comes back on and they hear about how violent video games have been corrupting America's youth, they begin to think that violence just might be an acceptable form of social behavior as well. Our violent culture is seeping into other countries like toxic waste, only with more bullets.
MODERATOR:Do you think the humanitarian act of dropping food and aid to fleeing Afghan refugees will soften the anti-American stance that seems to be so prevalent in the Middle East?
JOHN ROMERO IN A PHONE SUIT: I'm not against delivering food to hungry people. After all, how do you think I got so goddamn fat? Ah ha, I'm of course just joking around. But I am actually kind of fat so I guess it's not that funny of a joke now that I think about it. Speaking of fat, are you looking to keep your wallet fat and save some cash? Well come on down to Cellphone World in Northpoint Mall and gorge yourself on the trough of fantastic savings! We're right next to the Hickory Farms and that store that sells customized shirts that read "#1 GRANDPA."
SOME GUY WHO HATES SA: That's the dumbest question ever. Why did I even read it? I should've expected such a stupid question from such a stupid site that sucks so much. If somebody were to drop a bunch of free food outside my house, I'd probably write them back and complain about how shitty it tasted. I read somewhere that the US sent them bread and biscuits and shit. Fuck that. I'd be like, "this shit sucks you morons, where's my goddamn roast beef?" and then I'd keep sending them messages until mom turned off my computer. This sucks.
MODERATOR: America has been credited with originally putting the Taliban in power, either directly or indirectly. Now it appears as if the US wants to put the Northern Alliance in power. Do you feel this is an intelligent move or do you think they are simply stubborn and have failed to learn from their previous failures? John Romero, you are obviously not allowed to answer this question.
JOHN ROMERO IN A PHONE SUIT: ...
JEFF K.!!!!!!: HEY IF YUO WANT TO JOIN MY PROGRAMMERING TEAM, SENDS ME AN EMALE TO MY EMALE ACCOUNT! I AM MAKEING A MOD FOR QUEAKE 2 WHERE YUO GETS TO SHOTS TEH BOMB ON SADAMM HUSSAINE'S HEAD AND A TERRORTITS ATTACKS!!!! but it si not Osalama Ben Lauden becuase my teams model makaer left because of school!!! so if yuo can model or make maps or program EMALE ME!!! Teh mod si called "COUNTAR TERRORTITS WARFIELD BIG BATTLE ATTACK ARMY 2000" and I am teh PROJECT LEAD and I coordinate teh projects and writes emale to SHUGAR SHACK which si now SHANK HUT NEWS CENTER or soemthing on UGO who owes me moneys anwyays so I can pay TEXAS!!! hahaha!1
SOME GUY WHO HATES SA: Oooh, John Romero jokes, how creative. Maybe that'd be funny back in 1997 or something. You guys are just the apex of wit, aren't you? God your page sucks. I could make a funnier website in 30 minutes and it would be more popular than yours and it wouldn't suck like yours, but I'm not going to because I have better things to do with my life like read your site and inform you just how much it sucks. So fuck you.
THE TALKING ASS: It is painfully obvious that turning over power to either extremist faction is a bad idea. The US needs to do the obvious thing: create a robot army of strict Conservative Republicans who will instill a sense of decency and morality by banning all items which encourage violence like television, movies, video games, computers, and playing cards. You know, like how it is now, except only with robots.
MODERATOR: Thank you very much for your opinions, gentlemen. I hope this SA Roundtable Discussion will help readers gain a more objective view of current events, and I am grateful for your contributions.
SOME GUY WHO HATES SA: Well it's not like your shitty site could get any worse.
Well that sure was educational and refreshing! I hope you all look forward to reading the next episode of Something Awful Roundtable Discussion, which will never, ever, ever be written. I didn't really enjoy writing this one and think the entire concept has just about as much potential as a hosted site dedicated to promoting AzN PrYdE, so I'm just going to forget I ever came up with the idea.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.