"The only thing I hate more than the Romans is people not behaving in a safe manner, putting themselves, and others at risk. For Heaven's sake, look both ways for wagons, and keep your sandals tight!"
-Jesus, around the Medieval times or whenever that Bible stuff happened.
I have to agree with ole JC there on the importance of safety in everyday life. Don't worry, I'm not turning this into a religious chat session (that's next week), I just think this wisdom of our Savior transcends generations, making it still valid today. Actually, the world today is much more dangerous than it was in the past, due to the increase of car use, gun ownership, and the popularity of Vin Diesel movies. If one does not constantly refresh their safety skills, it's only a matter of time before they end up in Heaven with Jesus shaking his head saying "I told you so, moron."
This article on general safety comes at perfect timing since I just had a rather unpleasant experience camping this past weekend. As you may know from my prior articles about camping, I am well versed in the ways of the wood, much like an elf, or perhaps even a kindly forest goblin. Unfortunately, I did something foolish, disobeying my ranger training by getting totally drunk at camp, and then throwing anything I could find onto a large bonfire. While normally I frown upon people who drink heavily in the woods and start fires, I was in a particularly cheeky mood, having escaped a weekend marathon of having to watch Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood and My Big Fat Greek Wedding with my girlfriend. As I was randomly heaping sticks and leaves onto the raging fire, I failed to notice in my drunken rage that I threw a large handful of Poison Ivy leaves on the flames. Soon I was bathed in a shroud of poison smoke, causing my whole body to erupt into painful blisters and rashes, so I fruitlessly jumped into the lake and almost drowned. Although it has been a week since that incident, I am still recovering, trying not to itch my lobstery arms while being taunted by my Boy Scout troop. I ordered my scout troop to stop mocking me, and to wash my car, but instead they ransacked my house and fled with the plunder.
Thus it gives me great pleasure to introduce the Something Awful mascot for safety, Sammy the Safety Squirrel. Sammy knows a lot more than just running up trees, and hoarding nuts. Seriously, he has been in some heavy situations, and knows his shit. Pay close attention to him, and maybe you might live to see your grandchildren grow up, waiting for the day you die of old age so they can spend your lifetime of savings on a weekend cocaine binge. Sammy the Safety Squirrel has survived two major wars, 16 drunk driving accidents, 3 tractor rollovers, and getting stabbed in the face by an angry ex-wife. He personally saved my life after I climbed a tree to nab a plump beehive full of delicious honey and got stuck for a few weeks. Sammy found me helpless and afraid, feeding me nuts and berries, keeping me entertained with his tales of adventure. I promised him that I would find him a job if I ever got out of the tree alive. Well I did make it down after he pushed me out during a heated argument, and now I am living up to my word of honor. So without further ado, I hand you over to the capable, rabies infected hands of Sammy the Safety Squirrel.
You fools! I will teach you what you need to know to survive in this hard, cruel life. In this kind of world, the weak and feeble minded are cast to the side to die an unambiguous death, while the strong and wise go on to live a fruitful, long life. The key to staying alive is obeying basic safety rules that are relevant in everyday occurrences. I am offering my free time from frolicking in the woods to teach you the most important of these safety rules. Please pay attention, or I'll bite your eyes.
Safety Squirrel Tip #1: Look both ways before crossing the road.
Seriously, you goddamn kids have to be careful when crossing the road. I used to hang out on a tree near the interstate highway, and I've seen some of my best friends get turned into street pizza because they didn't take the time to look both ways before attempting to cross. Just look to the left, and then look to the right. If you see a big truck coming, do not step in front of said truck. If you see a Japanese made car coming, fake like you are going to jump in front of them. This will cause them to swerve off the road and into the nearest tree or ditch, probably causing great physical harm to the driver. That will teach them to buy American.
Safety Squirrel Tip #2: Never steal BBQ ribs from a large black man.
True story: I love to crash picnics to see if I can grab me some free tasty food. I know it's a problem, I've been to therapy for it, trust me. Usually I target the black picnics over the white picnics because the black people have a better music selection. One day I came across a really happenin' black picnic that was blasting out the good tunes and cooking up some good eats, so I decided to get a closer look. Not only were they cooking up hotdogs, hamburgers, and chicken, they also had my favorite food of all time - BBQ ribs. I had to act fast to get away with it, so I took a bold leap from the nearest branch, snatched a rack of ribs, and fled up the nearest tree. Unfortunately, I was spotted by a very large black man who became enraged when he saw me get away with such a grand piece of meat. At first he tried climbing the tree, but I dropped acorns on his large head, causing him to fall. Then he tried to chop the tree down with an axe he had in his car, but the trunk was much too thick, and would've taken him days. Eventually he tipped the BBQ coals into the tree and caught it on fire. That's when I knew this guy meant business, and dropped the ribs. I was hoping he would leave me alone after that, but after he ate the ribs and had a few beers, he went and got his .22 and tried to shoot me out of the tree! I barely escaped, but that is another story. The point is, never steal BBQ ribs from a large black man.
Safety Squirrel Tip #3: During full scale nuclear combat, stop, drop, and roll.
People tend to think that there is no chance of full scale nuclear war since the cold war ended. They are dead wrong. In fact, nuclear war is far more plausible in these unsure topsy turvy days of strife and terrorism. The Russians never used the bomb because they knew we would clobber them back with everything we had, but these crazy people from the desert have nothing to lose. Don't even get me started on the North Koreans. I served in the Korean war, and know those commie bastards in my blood. In case you are walking down the street and see a nuclear missile coming right for your general vicinity, you must first stop whatever activity you are doing, drop to the ground, and roll out of harm's way. This will save you from the deadly nuclear blast, the scalding heat, and the crippling radiation. Now, you may have to roll for 30-50 miles before you are out of harm's way, so be careful of rocks or canyons that may be in your path. If you are hit directly with a nuclear missile, take a warm soapy bath ASAP to get rid of the radiation that you might be infected with. Bonus tip: If you are a male and when you wake up in the morning your penis is strangely erect for no plausible reason, this is radiation poisoning and you need to amputate it with whatever tool necessary so it does not spread to the rest of your body.
Safety Squirrel Tip #4: If you happen to go into space, wear a spacesuit.
I can't stress this enough. I was in the doctor's office a few days ago because my back has really been killing me lately, and was sitting in the waiting room reading magazines. Well I've already read most of the sports magazines, so I picked up an egghead space magazine called Astronomy. I never knew space was so cool looking. But then I read that it's really cold up there, and if you don't wear a spacesuit your head will explode or something. Well I know all the kids these days like all that "Star Wars", and "Star Trek" stuff, so space must be a pretty radical place to them. I can just see kids saying, "Oh boy, look! Kirk Cameron is an astronaut spaceman dancing on the moon in this popular movie, I want to go into space too and be like Kirk Cameron", and then they get to space and their heads explode. Kids need to know that they have to wear a spacesuit before they go off into space, otherwise there is a good chance they could get really hurt, or at least catch a bad cold.
Safety Squirrel Tip #5: Women, don't give the sass mouth to your man.
Listen, I have been charged with domestic abuse 28 times, and none of those times have they been unwarranted. Well maybe a few times when I was drunk off dew after watching a Bronco's game, but most of the time I only use violence as a tool of instruction. If I am working on something, or just sitting around doing nothing, I don't want to be nagged about "cleaning up after myself", or "getting food for the baby". My home is my kingdom, and I am the king. Would a king take orders from a women in the royal palace, only to be laughed at by the nobles and then ousted by a dastardly duke who sees the king's weakness? No! I expect my dinners to be served hot and on time, and the area kept spotless and neat. Most of my wives didn't like my ideas, and one of them even stabbed me in the face while I was sleeping. This just goes to show you that they are crazy and need discipline. I am currently without a mate, so if any of you available ladies out their like what you see and can cook, clean, and give oral gratification, please look me up. Just remember women, stay safe, and don't sass your busy men!
Safety Squirrel Tip #6: Lumberjacks are always bad news.
There's nothing worse than waking up to the sound of chainsaws, especially when you have a hangover. If you are ever asleep in your tree and hear a chainsaw below you, you have but two options. Come up with a battle plan to fight off the wily woodsman, or flee for your life. Most of the time I try to flee before my home comes crashing to the ground, and then instantly turned into paper Starbucks cups. But once in a great while I'll get pissed off because I'm forced to move every week, so I'll tangle with the lumberjack. This is very risky, and a lumberjack battle should not be taken lightly. They are skilled with blades, and thrive off the suffering of all living creatures. My favorite tactic is to bombard them with acorns and feces to soften up the target, and then drop a larger item like a beehive or a large branch. This will thoroughly anger the lumberjack, and he will take it out on the tree with his chainsaw. While he is blind with rage, I like to sneak out of the tree undetected and grab his lunch from his knapsack. I put about 3 cubes of laxative in his soup, and then set his boots on fire while he's pooping. This can demoralize the most hardy of lumberjacks, and they might leave looking for a more meek section of the forest. This will not work with all of them though, so prepare for a hasty retreat if he counter-attacks with his deadly chainsaw. The only thing worse than lumberjacks are those Earth Liberation Front jerks. You know, the ones that chain their silly asses to the trees trying to help us out. Those guys are assholes.
Well that's all the Saturday safety tips for today. I want to thank Sammy for all his help and good advice. Remember everything that he has taught you today, and maybe you will not die an embarrassing and painful death. Bye folks, and stay safe!
The Naked Og
Howdy again folks, this is Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell reporting in. Actually, when you read this I won't be reporting in, I'll most likely be asleep. It's kind of scary to think of you leering over these words as I sleep, especially since I'll be naked. Could you cover your eyes or something? This is really starting to freak me out. Please, look away from me and instead focus on this excerpt from State Og, highlighting some of our products that failed horribly:
How To Steal Any Book In Six Easy Steps Which You Can Learn While Casually Leafing Through This Book In The Bookstore: The Book - I honestly have no idea why this one failed. We're hoping the paperback version will fare better.
And I'm hoping you'll read this week's State Og, which is free of charge so you don't even have to steal it!
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
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