This article is part of the TerrorBear series.
The following transcribed ABC 7 news broadcast occurred on August 22, 2010. Some images have been omitted, due to their graphic nature. For related information on this topic, please resort to previously released documents.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.