Look, we aren't trying to be rude, but here at Electros Brand Electronics we expect only the best, and after the work you've been doing, we can't really help but make these comparisons. Your modeling ability to our company truly is what Little Boy was to Hiroshima. We aren't exaggerating. You are terrible. So if you don't want to spend the rest of your life at Sears Roebuck modeling crock pots and faux pearl necklaces, you better shape up fast.
Here, we want you to succeed, so we'll let you warm up with something simple like Unit X456-L:F. It's a beautiful machine, something we're all proud of, so even your ugly mug with its smeared gas station lipstick shouldn't be able to tarnish that stainless steel masterpiece too much. Now why don't you just sort of stand behind it a little and do your best not to be noticed. Good, good. Okay, now try to not look displeased with your terrible life. Great. You're doing better, see, you aren't awful at everything. Now just lift your head up a little and pucker your earthworm lips. Alright, that is disgusting, but don't stop. We can airbrush something better in. Lean in a little. More. More. Whoa. Stop. Stop. Stop everything.
Stop and look at what you're doing. Is your elbow over the main component? Do you have any idea what the weight of a gabby arm like that does to the inner workings of one of these devices? Of course you don't. Here's a clue: have you ever seen a machine able to calculate equations at sixteen times the speed of the world's greatest mathematician? Well now you have, and you're currently digging your elbow into it like a Mexican wrestler in the title belt. By pressing that arm of yours down, you're probably crushing the extremely fragile science that fill the casing. And, just incase you're curious, this thing costs more than you'll spend in a lifetime on ointments and beauty creams trying to recapture that wasted youth of yours. Why don't you slowly back away unless you want to be eating chicken broth for the rest of your life trying to pay this thing off. And, ugh, we just threw up in our mouths a bit, but are you resting your breasts on the top of Unit X456-L:F? As if your elbow wasn't doing enough damage, now you expect the professional engineers at Electros Brand Electronics to replace fifteen tubes because of your chest sweat? Don't act like we can't see the damp outlines of your breasts on the machine--we can. And we are disgusted. Your entire body is dewier than the palms of a boy at his first school dance. Should we dip you in a protective plastic covering first? You know what? Forget it. We'll get some girl from Prague to do this one. It's a little too important of a product to model with Lucille Ball's transgendered impersonator.
We'll try something else. Why not Unit JT2:86. It is simple and doesn't demand a lot of respect, so we think it would be a good fit for you. Wait a second while we move the lights so your hair doesn't look like someone shaved a golden retriever and stapled it to your scalp. Okay, that is better. Now pose. Pose. Are you posing right now? Like that? Really? Because you're holding that wonderful piece of machinery like it's a child's coffin. It honestly looks like you're about to bury your illiterate kid after he dies of starvation because you get fired from this shoot for being such a bad model. Come on, sweetheart, cheer up. We haven't fired you yet, but you got to put some love into that device. You have to mean it. Listen, you're holding the JT2:86. That thing can track a dolphin's call from three hundred feet. Think about that for a second. No, wait, for you, think about it for a minute. For the first time ever, we are now able to hear the conversations between those creatures. By the end of the year, Electros Brand Electronics expects to have the entire dolphin language translated. Kids will be taking it in school with Latin and French. Not your kids, but the ones in shoes. By the end of this century we'll be in those flying cars ordering robots around in Dolphin. Amazing, right? You're amazingly lucky to have such an important machine in your hands, so you should do your best to fake some pride and model like a professional. But if holding a world changing device is a little too abstract for you, why not picture it as a toaster oven. You've always wanted one of those, right?
You know what, that's enough for the day. I can't look at your dimestore clothes any longer. We'll finish this up next time.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.