The presidential primary season is winding down as we approach the general election. We're down to four candidates and the opinions of our six voters have changed since we talked to them in November.

To get to the bottom of their views we have asked them a series of probing questions and they have offered their usual mix of candor and surprising wit.

Of the four remaining candidates, who do you think should be president and why?
Dawn Catwand
Prayer Bus Volunteer
"Mike Huckabee because if you look at his eyes I think it says a lot about him, like out of all of the candidates he can see in the most directions at once."
Sgt. J.J. Pillock
U.S. Army
"As a veteran of Iraq and a member of the United States Army I intend to vote for John McCain. I don't like that he has said he might not torture certain people, but his promise to subject my brothers-in-arms to 100 years of blood-curdling horror and violence really hits all of my key issues."
Rhett Racecar
MILF Hunter
"As an 18-25 year old who craves change I enthusiastically support Barack Obama and of course will not be voting for another 20 years."
Brian Multitoast
Hemp Advocate
"Sorry, when did Mike Gravel drop out again? Oh, that's right, the media continues to shut him out just because he hasn't won any delegates. And what about Nader? Typical mainstream media attitude I have come to expect from big-blogging."
Jeineane Fizz
Marketing
"I was going to vote for Barack Obama, but then Tina Fey said bitch is the new black and I can't argue with that because I am a huuuuuge 30 Rock fan. Go Hillary!"
Rudy Giuliani
Immigrant
"I'll vote for the first one that says, 'Hey, remember that 900 mile fence along the Mexican border? Man, that was a retarded idea. What the fuck were we thinking? I can't believe we all voted for that shit!'"


Do you think that Mike Huckabee should drop out of the race and why or why not?
Dawn Catwand
Prayer Bus Volunteer
"Oh, dear, who am I to say? I don't feel right telling people what to do unless they're gay or pregnant. Is he gay?"
Sgt. J.J. Pillock
U.S. Army
"Shit yes! I heard he wanted to give college scholarships to the children of illegal immigrants. That is tantamount to genocide."
Rhett Racecar
MILF Hunter
"No way, man! He's the former governor of Arkansas. They are ranked number one in teen pregnancy! That's what I'm talking about!"
Brian Multitoast
Hemp Advocate
"I don't care! It doesn't matter! The same machine that's been destroying our planet with a different operator! Break the system! Destroy the machine! Reduce zebra mussel infestations!"
Jeineane Fizz
Marketing
"He's so adorable when he goes around on TV and talks about how it's impossible for him to win. I think that guy should run for president forever."
Rudy Giuliani
Immigrant
"I remember in one of those debates he held up his hand and said he didn't believe in evolution. I looked at him and I thought to myself, 'Now there is someone I want to see allocating scientific grant funding.'"
More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.