MOM: dad's ping said you would pay me to write out some simple instructions for grandpa so he can set up the datarealm. I'm guessing this is that realm-in-a-box kit you bought him last christmas? Buth. If he can't figure this out I guess ping me and unless I am mersed I will audio him and walk him through it but you'll owe me extra you can send it to me in cash shop coins.
Dear grandpa al, mom said you needed help setting up the datarealm and I would be happy to help. The datarealm is basically where everything is happening. Think of like a movie, but you're living in the movie and you can change the movie however you want and you fly everywhere and you can download upgrades for your cortechs if you get podded. Like you can learn a new language or get new memories or save your old memories and relive them, but that's for later.
Basic datarealm setup:
Take your datarealm kit out of the box. You're going to want to plug in the charger and the occipital cradle (ocs hat) that looks sort of like the hairband thing but with the little rubbery fronds coming off it. A yellow light should come on when it's charging and it should turn green when it's fully charged. You're going to want to charge it full the first time. While that's charging move onto step 2.STEP 2
You're going to want to open the packet that says "NC prep." It will feel kind of squishy and when you open the corner (careful) you should see this gray nub sort of like the end of a thumb but it's all covered in grease. You're going to want to stick this up your butt. It's set, trust me. Mom said you might have a problem with this so I figure I should explain: it's the nutrients and "starter colony" for your transmitter connections. These little robots will travel through your body and build receivers in your brain. Everybody does it.STEP 3
Drink the juice box included. You don't have to drink it if you're not set with the fruit punch flavor, but you need to drink something else sugary to fuel the node contructors.STEP 4
Plug in and turn on the main console (on/off is the white button) and activate the auxiliary projection interface (press the yellow triangle button twice). Your startup assistant should appear. You can change its appearance but that's sort of complicated and pointless so just next through all that unless you want to make it look like grandma to freak her out. Once you're through the basic stuff it will prompt you to create an account. This is VERY important: select NORTHAM REALM and GRID 45. This is your realm location and your realm. You can still talk to anyone from other realms/grids but you will pay remote fees which can be buthing expensive. I know. It's cis.STEP 5
Create your rep. You can change this later, but you can pick from some stock ones or tweak it or custom make one. Mom said you used to program video games or whatever so you should get this stuff pretty easily, basically its a rotating helix creator and you drag the rotating bands from side to side and move beads on the ladder bars to assemble your rep. This will be you to everybody else in the realm. OH and you'll need to get the code off the sheet in the box it should be silver and make a tinkling noise when you rub your thumb over it.
If you start feeling really tired that's set. Just lay down and nod. Your body is working hard to assemble those nodes. By the time you wake up the ocs hat should be charged and you should be good to go.STEP 7
Restart the main console (red circle button) and take the (fully charged) ocs hat and lay it on your head. You'll feel some squirming as the drils wiggle flush with your scalp. It's set. Don't freak out. It warms up after a couple nanos and you should see the test symbols in your vision after a couple more nanos. The ocs hat and the console will beep when they are synced up. Now all you gotta do is sit down and try to relax. It has to do some start up stuff that will feel like these shocks in different parts of your body. It isn't actual shocks, it's just stimulating your nerves. Totally safe. Once that's done you'll see sort of a superimposed room over everything. It will tell you what to do but it's like "close your eyes and say 'ready' when you are ready."STEP 8
When you say ready you will be in your cove. That's like your home base in the datarealm. It starts out blank but your assistant will tell you how to decorate it or whatever. It's super cis so don't even mess around with that. Nobody hangs out in their coves except for babies. Just exit through the door and enter the datarealm. Your assistant can be recalled at any time and will guide you around. DO THE TUTORIAL. You need to see how to ware, how to zip, how to merse and how not to get conhacked. That last one is on the vids all the time with crazy stories about people getting conhacked. It's basically easy not to: never open a fetch or a pulse from anyone you don't know. Never reply to a ping from somebody you don't know.STEP 9
Ping Juztyn_666 to talk to me or Foxlady_666 to talk to mom. Dad is on here too but he is always mersed in humptown. We may not reply right away either, I'm usually mersed in Operation H.A.T.E. or Xlutscape and mom is usually mersed in Petpals. We'll get your ping but it may take a while for us to exit.STEP 10
Have fun. Basically have some fun grandpa. Be careful if you go to humptown though because it's like half Russian mob bots pretending to be sexy celebrities to steal your cash shop coins. It's so cis I can't even go into it all. Just be set. I'll explain the cash shop to you when we hang out. Maybe go to Retroville or Castle Kings or there's a place where it will read your memories and turn them into a ware but I can't remember what it's called. Old people usually dig that stuff. You can like talk to your dead parents or relive high school if you're into that. No biggie. Oh and don't be surprised if a squid thing flies up and kills you. It might hurt for a second and send you back to your cove, but it's normal. Cis balltard grievers.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.