Sources say that an unfamiliar dog was spotted downtown, leading police to barricade a large portion of the city, then cordon off several smaller areas until the original barricade was encircled. Travelers will be shot unless they can produce the proper paperwork to prove that they are not dogs.
A source residing on the top floor of a tall building warns that the people on the street level appear to be very small. She claims that the closer to street level you get, the larger those people become, until they take up so much of your vision that it becomes impossible to tell where you end and they begin.
Air travel should be safe, provided it is in a helicopter or zeppelin, or some other craft capable of landing on rooftops.
Several sources are reporting that Vancouver is not an actual place, that it never has been, and that all references to it are works of satire. We advise all readers with tickets to Vancouver to seek an immediate refund, and all readers with family in the city to seek replacement family.
Current residents of Vancouver are encouraged to question their existence.
One source close to the situation claims that while watching Last Action Hero, he spotted an extra looking directly at the camera. Although the film was released in 1993, the source viewed the DVD a mere two days ago, so visitors should proceed with caution.
According to our source, a severe earthquake has shaken up all of the beverage containers in Los Angeles. For the immediate future, travelers will come under constant threat while opening carbonated drinks and face the very real possibility of encountering perfectly mixed chocolate milk.
Sources say that a man yelled on a plane. Depending on the plane's speed relative to the sound barrier, whether or not the man was running forward (increasing the sound's speed), and the direction his yell traveled, this might have been a terrorist attempt to detonate a sonic boom and kill everyone on board.
If any of our readers must yell while on a plane, we ask that they please remember to do it while facing the tail section, or at the very least while leaning back in their seat as quickly as possible.
Although LeBron James has announced his move to Miami, a source within the James camp has revealed that the basketball phenom's extensive collection of glowing radiological waste will be moved to Los Angeles, where it will be scattered across man and building alike with no regard for safety or etiquette.
Several sources have warned that the city has been issued a Throwdown challenge by chef Bobby Flay. If his ravioli dish beats the city's, no visitors are expected to survive.
A source with very close ties to the royal family warns that some of the robots from the hit series Robot Wars may still be operational. Visitors are encouraged to tearfully say goodbye to their loved ones and make arrangements to have their worldly possessions donated to non-robot charities.
Our sources have reported that visiting tourist destinations such as Big Ben, the London Bridge and Piccadilly Circus will make you very uncool, even if you've never been to the city and sort of want to see those things for yourself.
Be advised that roaming packs of jaded locals wielding flamethrowers will hamper your efforts to be uncool.
If the sun gets too close to a person, it could actually kill them, according to a source with extensive knowledge of the sun. Travelers in London are advised to walk in a slight hunch. If the sun seems to be closing in, duck into a doorway or hold a newspaper over your head.
Sources say the long-held perception that Venice is nearly underwater has been the result of an extremely effective PR campaign of misdirection. Nearly 80% of visitors drown in London's flooded streets while double decker gondoliers solemnly pass overhead.
Our source claims that a line from the Tokyo travel brochure which states "come see Tokyo" is actually a misprint. The passage was intended to be a terrifying roar.
Sources close to the situation warn that girls in Japanese pornos seem very reluctant and tend to cry.
A source is reporting that rock and roll music (and all its inherent dangers) has spread to Tokyo within the past twenty four hours. Travelers should be cautious, keeping a sharp eye out for potentially lethal threats such as gyrating pelvises, sneers, and denim jackets.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.