This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.
It's been awhile since we last climbed down into the horrible sewer of collectibles that is the Bradford Exchange, so let's do that! I know it's not exactly the gift-buying season, but it never hurts to stock up on poorly manufactured chunks of plastic and porcelain emblazoned with stirring images after being dipped in vats of liquefied patriotism.
I took the liberty of selecting a handful of gems, so all you have to do at this juncture is type in your credit card number and click your mouse like wild man with nothing to lose.
The Eyes of the Wilderness
You know things are special when they bust out Papyrus, America's #1 font for mystical products and services. This "garment" features everything you love most: hidden wolves, not-so-hidden wolves, Native Americans, a horse and tons of snow-covered branches. It's great if you like people playing Where's Waldo with your torso, and even better if you need to stay camouflaged in a crazy-lady sanctuary.
To get such a devastatingly distracting pattern, I'm pretty sure they had to make this thing out of space-age metamaterials. It's entirely possible this lovely shirt will render you partially invisible or grant you the ability to project soothing new age music from your armpits.
Spirit Of The Wilderness Artistic Women's Long-Sleeved Shirt
Bonus shirt! This pretty much looks like Mr. Spock's Starfleet uniform after he goes through the Vulcan menopause ritual of Pon Nor-Khlar. It's just a big barfy bundle wolves and gayness literally unwearable by any self-respecting human being. If you allow this thing to containerize any portion of your body, you are a danger to yourself and need to be committed.
Budweiser Collectible Belt Buckle Collection
As the description says:
"These unique Budweiser collectibles are fully functional, so they can be worn with your belt, or enjoyed as striking wall decor within the handsome wood case."
Thus we can infer that this collection is not a novelty gag and is intended to be utilized in earnest, either as a clothing accessory or as a wall furnishing. It's bad enough that some people genuinely enjoy the taste of Budweiser, but to want its advertising associated with your walls or the area directly above your crotch? That's just shameful. Who are you?
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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An ongoing exploration of the many products and artistic masterworks created and sold by the Bradford Exchange.