Future Man will be a respected technology thoughter based in New New Holo-London. His insights will appear in prestigious periodical wordflows such as Technology Minutely, Alien Gear Review, and Big Wiggly Butts. Through methods which we don't entirely understand, he has graciously agreed to monitor and comment upon our current technology news from his home in the distant future.
In our first bit of exciting news, PlayStation 3 owners can now watch 3D movies in HD, which will offer the best home theater experience for consumers - hahaha, sorry, but I can't keep going. This is pathetic. What is wrong with you guys?
First of all, this 3D thing? No. You don't even have proper vidulatory crossgrids yet. You can't walk around inside your movies and pee on the Death Star while you're actually peeing on your living room floor. Why are you even torturing yourselves with this primitive facsimile of 3D space?
Blu-ray "high definition" movies. Right. You're still using physical displays that are restricted to numerical resolutions, you assholes. Come talk to me when you can zoom in on Eva Mendez's cleavage until you can actually spot the DNA strands that made her so ridiculously hot.
Oh, wait, you can't even see DNA without the aid of microscopes. I just remembered that. Also, I just remembered something else: I hate you.
This so-called "miniature" projector is at least the size of an industrial food replicator, but apparently you lot find that impressive. Wait, this can't be right. There's no way you guys still need operating rooms. It says here... that you do. You really do. Wow. Is anyone even trying?
Hold on. You can actually die from old age and disease? Fuuuuuuck. Now I feel sort of bad for making fun of you.
I know how I can make it up to you! I'll teleport to whatever remains of Earth, dig up your skeleton (assuming it hasn't turned to dust), and take a slightly smaller dump on your vacant skull face than I had previously planned.
This I will do for each and every one of you. It might take a little time, but don't worry - I've got plenty of that.
Apple's newest iPod lineup is stupid for a variety of reasons, but I suppose it's not really worth getting into since you'll be dead in like 200 years. Buy whatever you want. Seriously, you're really disappointing me.
Get over the touchscreen stuff already. How can you possibly be so infatuated with an interface that requires manual interaction, much less one that becomes partially obscured by your fingers every time you use it?
"Oooh, I can pinch and swipe and tickle a screen! It helps that I'm too stupid to realize this fascination is a displaced yearning for human contact, which I've all but abandoned by obsessively focusing on gadgets in social situations."
Oh shit, I'm looking at a projection of your internet. Did the archive become corrupted, or is this infinite vacuum of wasted potential honestly all that you guys have?
Are you really spending all that time fumbling around with devices to access such horrible content? There are more link aggregators, news feeds reprinting / rewording articles, and social media sites thriving on delusions of self-importance than there are sites producing meaningful content.
Maybe if you keep buying more ridiculous ways to access the internet it will get better!
Intel's next series of processors are on the horizon, and they appear to be slightly faster than the current lineup. Looks pretty good.
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.