My protective suit, composed exclusively of the finest space-age cardboard known to man.Although humor is my primary love in life, I also dabble in scientific endeavors from time to time. Instead of publicizing my work however, I prefer to conduct all of my experiments incognito. In fact, if you look up the word "incognito" in the dictionary, you won't find my picture. That's how good I am. But my last experiment was to be different. After donning my protective suit (shown on the left), I left my apartment at precisely 9:15am and headed north along the sidewalk. Half a minute into my outing, I pushed a small child into a stack of crates full of live chickens. He cried out as he fell, and I was pretty sure that the cry was in C sharp. I pulled out my notebook and jotted down the details of the incident, then continued on. I came across a blind beggar and measured his face, then knocked over a large US Postal Service mailbox, making sure to collect several letters as samples. As I stopped once more to record my findings, a middle-aged man happened by so I questioned him.
"Excuse me, sir, how do you feel about your mother?"
"My mother? I love my-"
"WRONG! Your mother is a tremendous whore that no one even remotely likes, and she dresses you funny."
He frowned, and I made note of the size and angle of the frown. As I continued on my way he yelled after me, "But... I'm not even wearing clothes!"
After smelling several cats and then refusing to smell a third just to see how it would react, I stopped once again to record my findings when suddenly a police officer tore off my protective suit, pulled my arm behind my back and slammed me into a wall. His grip was like iron and his uniform was like cloth.
"We've had several complaints about a dumbass in a box berating innocent people and measuring the homeless without a license. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you funny man?"
"You don't understand, officer! I'm conducting a very important experiment which you happen to be interfering with. I'm attempting to prove my theory that helium is lighter than air!"
"Is that right? So you're trying to prove that helium is lighter than air by pushing people over and molesting cats. Where's the helium? For that matter, don't you know it's already been proven? Have you even thought this through?"
"Thought this through? Though this through?!" I replied increduously. "Mister, I haven't even begun to think this through!"
"You comedians are all the same," he growled, "with your average height and weight, brown hair and green-blue eyes, boyish good looks, and a small scar on your left cheek. You all think you can do whatever you want and get away with it. You're doing this for science? Well let me tell you something, pal. I don't believe you. The only way you can go free is by showing me just one time that a comedian has ever contributed anything to science."
"Guffaw!", I guffawed. "I'll do you one better than that, and then I'll do you eight more better than that! I'll give you a list of TEN major contributions that humorists have made to the science world, and scientists have made to humor."
I took out my trusty notebook and pen and set to work, and soon the officer had no choice but to let me go. This is the list that bought my freedom.
The Top Ten Comedy/Science Crossover Discoveries
10. After realizing he has just drunk a fatal dose of hemlock, Socrates performs the first recorded spit-take in history.
9. Jerry Seinfeld publishes his book of scientific ponderings, "What's The Deal With All These Neutrons?" His theory that Superman and cereal are the essential building blocks of life makes for an interesting read, but goes largely ignored by the scientific community, who were really just hoping Kramer would show up at some point.
8. Although his contributions to atomic energy would later overshadow this event, Albert Einstein invents the world's first puddle of fake vomit. "Ze bottlecap and bone complete ze humor equation," Albert beamed while explaining the invention at the World's Fair. "I mean, come on! Who would eat that stuff?"
7. John Candy discovers that when combined, peanut butter and chocolate form a compound more explosive than nitro-glycerine. He sells this secret to the Russians, who are unable to put it to use because they do not have access to either peanut butter or chocolate.
6. After getting carried away with the oversized hammer portion of his show, Gallagher discovers that a human baby has approximately the same density as a watermelon.
5. Jeff Foxworthy finds that one joke repeated ad nauseum with only slight variations can build a successful career. Humor website The Onion makes this discovery again in the late 90's. I make this discovery again in 2002.
4. For the first time on the Honeymooners, Ralph Kramden threatens to punch his wife into the moon. After taping the show, actor Jackie Gleason (who plays Ralph) sits down with a pad of paper and sets to work, calculating the possibility of punching a woman into outer space. He emerges from his hotel room several days later and announces that it would be impossible, unless there were several men punching the woman simultaneously, and the woman were wearing a spacesuit of some sort to provide her with oxygen.
3. While taking a break from an experiment with DNA in the early 1990's, a Harvard student observes his classmates in the campus cafeteria and finds that black people walk "like this" (casual and cool), but white people walk "like this" (a spastic robot with a gigantic robotic stick up its ass). This discovery serves as the groundwork from which every comedian to appear on Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam for the next decade will draw their inspiration.
2. While excitedly explaining quantum physics to a group of college students, Stephen Hawking falls out of his chair, causing everyone to laugh hysterically. In the crowd, a young Chevy Chase observes the pratfall and takes note of the audience's reaction.
1. L. Ron Hubbard invents Scientology.
The boys at State Og took note of the Top Ten week which has been gracing the front page, and did what they do best: took an existing idea and bastardized it, then passed it off as their own. Let's take a look at the Top Ten Greatest Successes of State Og.
2. Popo the Clown - Clowns have long been derided for being a slightly eerie form of children's entertainment, hearkening back to their origins as tough-as-nails voodoo pimps. We decided to fight that image by embracing it; Popo the Clown was a no-nonsense street-smart clown of leisure. We took him from the streets where he was making balloon animals with balloons he smuggled inside his ass to children's parties around the world. By laying down street justice with his oversize novelty shoes he earned their respect. With his considerable influence we built a crime network that would make Gotti shit seltzer water, and best of all it was HILARIOUS.
If this update isn't great, then it's sure something else. Go ahead and read it!
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.