Ticks: straight from Satan's backyard to your own.I came in from jaunting through the back yard with my dogs today to find that I had a tick on the cuff of my jeans. I haven't seen a tick in a while or even given so much as a thought to their existence, but today's run-in brought to mind a statement I'm sure everyone will agree with:
I'm relatively certain that everyone reading this just shouted, "WORD!" and pumped their fist in agreement. If you, for whatever reason, have a sentiment regarding ticks which stands to conflict with my statement then you can take the Fuck-Off Train to Ignorant Shitheadville.
There's bound to be someone out there with a minimal understanding as to what a tick is. Ticks are tiny, hematophagic, ectoparasitic arachnids. To put it more simply, they're eight-legged creepy bitchfaces that cling to the flesh of the living and feed on their host's blood. Their entire lifespan revolves around hiding in grass, clinging to things, eating blood, making more ticks, spreading diseases, and dying.
"DISEASES!?" you query? Yes, and plenty of them. Much like Vietnamese prostitutes (which I have absolutely zero experience with), ticks do nothing more than fuck you over and leave you with a possible medical affliction. Some of the more popular diseases include Q fever, Colorado tick fever, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, and everyone's favorite - Lyme disease, which can lead to headaches, nausea, rashes, depression, heart failure, damage to the nervous system, and constantly exploding skeletal features if gone unchecked. Great job, ticks.
Somewhat like the STDs of the world, ticks come in countless hellish varieties. It's important for you the reader, to know exactly what kind of tick it is you're dealing with should you have a run-in with one of these little bloodsucking, cocksucking, ass-suckers. Some of the more common ticks you may encounter are:
Fact: TV's Patrick Warburton also causes anaplasmosis in cattle.Deer Tick (Ixodes scapularis):
The deer tick is by far the most rampant and readily available piece of shit in the tick family. Of all ticks, this little black-legged bitch is the best at spreading disease about the country. When deer ticks aren't passing lime disease around like a dildo at a monastery, they're also notorious for developing keyboard loggers and browser hijackers.
Brown Dog Tick (Rhipicephalus sanguineus):
Brown dog ticks, as you can tell by their clever name, are brown and prefer to feast on dogs. These little fellas are unique in that they can complete their entire life cycles indoors, i.e. homes, kennels, animal shelters, Starbucks. If you encounter a brown dog tick in your home, the best thing you can do is ask it for rent/electricity/grocery money. Brown dog ticks are notoriously cheap and will retreat when the issue of money comes up.
Rocky Mountain Wood Tick (Dermacentor andersoni):
The rocky mountain wood tick is hated by not only humans, but other species of ticks as well. Most rocky mountain wood ticks are loaded with money via inheritance or trust funds. These most affluent of arachnids spend a majority of their time flaunting their fancy clothes and racing around in souped-up jet boats. The less-wealthy ticks usually scoff at rocky mountain wood ticks or send them threatening e-mails.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
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