Thank you for buying Interactive Grandpa v5.2, the most interactive grandfather program available for public use. We are sorry for any inconvenience. Listed are the solutions to the most common Grandpa related errors.

1. Grandpa makes no sound:

Make sure Grandpa is currently in disc drive.

Ensure speakers are plugged in and currently in "on" position.

Is Grandpa moving? If not please review solution tip number nine (9).

Is Grandpa not talking? Try asking a question regarding abortion.

2. If Interactive Grandpa does not start up immediately:

Make sure Grandpa is currently in disc drive.

Interactive Grandpa runs on independent schedule created to match the most realistic real-life Grandpa time.

Be sure to check Daily Schedule and Veteran Day Notifications in the Interactive Grandpa instruction manual for tips regarding hourly bathroom logs, sleep schedules, and Puzzle Time.

3. Grandpa is too racist:

To permanently remove programmed inappropriate and/or offensive comments, open the Minorities folder within Grandpa HUD and delete files Armenian.dll to Zionist.dll. Warning: For full immersion with Interactive Grandpa v5.2 it is advised that users do not alter Grandpa speech bank. Once deleted, racism cannot be replaced without full reinstallation.

For temporary fix, please purchase Butterscotch DLC, an add-on available in the Interactive Grandpa Store that allows user to "distract" Grandpa with mouthful of virtual Werther's candies.

4. Grandpa cries out during the night:

Please find the listing closest to your current problem.

4a. Grandpa crying for Cheryl, Julia, Margie, or Sue:

To momentarily calm Grandpa say that the person is currently on vacation, in college, dead.

For permanent fix, purchase wig, preferably shoulder length and brunette. Wear. Cook cabbage twice a week and speak in slow voice.

4b. Grandpa crying for Lindbergh kidnappers, North Vietnamese soldiers, the Noid:

Attempt to exit granpa.exe while avoiding Grandpa's line of vision.

User can be associated with anger and added to enemy list, thereby voiding any attempt at connection between user and Interactive Grandpa.

4c. Grandpa crying (general)

It is suggested that user simply ignore cases of general crying, sobbing, and weeping: While it is possible to momentarily soothe Interactive Grandpa, due to programming limitations and internal memory logs, it is ultimately a futile task to convince program that its existence is not confined to a computer desktop.

4d. Grandpa crying for death, sweet death, release from mortal coil, and/or combination:

Reset Grandpa by placing blanket over monitor until he is asleep. Upon waking Grandpa will believe it is in heaven. To extend sense of euphoria, execute step two solution for technical error 4a. Repeat as necessary.


5. Unspecified problems regarding email, internet access, and video drivers:

If ignored or unused, granpa.exe will attempt to "fix" portions of the hard drive without user acknowledgment. Fixes usually require minimal effort outside of opening Interactive Grandpa and asking what he has read in local newspaper. Advisory: Any permanent damage to computer is at the responsibility of user upon terms and conditions agreement. If you do not desire Grandpa to have access to portions of computer, reinstall granpa.exe and click "Limit Grandpa" during installation screen.

6. Grandpa not racist enough:

This section is currently under construction. Read More.

7. Grandpa audio loops:

Repeated stories and complaints are simply part of the Grandpa Experience and in no way an accident. Instead, sit back and enjoy the cycled tales of The War, his grandchildren, and the local mailman.

Audio looping for two (2) or more days is a known software glitch if users are upgrading to Interactive Grandpa v5.2 from v4.6 or earlier. To fix the problem: Install Patch Now or Remind Me Later

8. Grandpa looks like this:


Escape.

9. Grandpa is not moving:

Make sure Grandpa is currently in disc drive.

Try poking (Control + ALT + P) grandpa to see if it is in sleep mode.

Insult Eisenhower.

10. Grandpa is still not moving:

Restart granpa.exe. If Grandpa does not move it has likely "deceased."

Congratulations, you have fulfilled the full Interactive Grandpa experience. Please visit the Interactive Grandpa Store and purchase either the "Resurrector" (a one-time patch that adds three months to user's Grandpa lifespan) or the "Rememborator" (a respectful simulated funeral and a permanent virtual grave marker.)

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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