Tip #3: Stay Away from the Internet


"So... WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WARHAMMER"The Internet seems like a sure thing for the lonely. I mean, did you ever see those eHarmony commercials? That old dude on them is practically screaming, "LET ME HELP YOU GET YOUR DICK WET!" I hate to break it to you, but this kindly senior citizen has never once thought about the status of your penis. Online dating sites are ostensibly designed to get all of the mutants out of the dating pool so everyone else can have amazing, photogenic sex and rest assured that the person they're currently jackhammering didn't choose to have their lives screened through 29 "personality dimensions." And if you think about the logistics of the situation, no woman worth dating or talking to should have to advertise her services on the Internet; if you've been fortunate enough to spend any amount of time around even a semi-attractive woman, you'd know that 80% of their day is spent fighting off the advances of would-be deadbeat dads.

The only women who can't get this kind of attention from men in real life undoubtedly have some major personality flaw or venereal disease currently only found in lesser primates. And even if you can handle these major roadblocks on the highway of love, your date will inevitably end with her forcing you to beat her across the face savagely with a belt while she cries out, "Love me daddy! Love me!" Or, in a worst-case scenario, she might want to read you some of her poetry. I personally can't imagine what a nightmare that would be, but it sounds worse than 10 Vietnams and a Korean War (your choice). The important message behind all of this is that people who turn to the Internet for love are people who can't find love anywhere outside of the Internet. This is why you should never use your real name when signing up for an Internet dating site.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Tip #4: Breasts


Outside of certain clinics and prosthetic stores, breasts are literally everywhere. And wherever they go, they bring with them a certain warmth and comfort that's completely unassociated with any sort of creepy desires rooted in infancy. Just as you don't have to smoke cigars to enjoy the fine articles of Cigar Aficionado Magazine (or so their ads tell me), you don't have to experience breasts for yourself to enjoy their very presence in this world. This is good because you won't be touching them for a very long time. So why not appreciate them from afar? After all, no one is stopping you, especially the police, who will only occasionally tell you to leave The Gap before they take away your sketchbook.

Tip #5 Don't Kill Yourself

This kitten has gotten more action than you'll ever know.


A seemingly simple solution to your interminable suffering and horny-ness is to take a long toke off of sweet lady shotgun. Don't do this; people won't only think you're a huge pussy, they'll also make fun of you. Besides, it's more than likely that you will feel the touch of the opposite sex before you're snuffed out by a falling meteorite or a complete lack off health insurance. For example, a woman could develop amnesia and you could trick her into thinking you're her husband, as seen in the hit 1987 movie, Overboard. And let's not forget the ever-increasing trend of girls daring each other to sleep with notable losers "as a joke." Only time will tell if you'll be so lucky. Hang in there, baby!

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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