Can he win? Sure, why not.The race for the White House is starting to get interesting. As more people declare themselves candidates, the political future of America grows increasingly clouded. Will George Bush get reelected, or will a young, hip, and fresh face like Joe Lieberman unseat him? To be honest, I don't know. I'm not a damn psychic and I only pay attention to politics when the US is either exploding another country or being exploded by another country. I'm not really concerned with 2004. I pretty much feel that whoever gets hold of the office in 2004 will be better than whoever gets hold of the office in, oh, say, 2028. What's so important about a distant date like 2028? Not really anything, but it's not the date that's important. For you see, in the future, children will be coming to power. That's what's important.
I have made it no secret that I secretly loathe children. For one thing, I associate shortness with sinister behavior. Children are often short, as are dwarves, midgets, and penguins. When was the last time you saw any of those foul creatures doing something good? Probably the last time you saw David Duke getting honored for his lifetime of promoting AIDS awareness in Africa at the Essence Awards. The reason I mention kids again is because of a startling fact: children are our future. I don't know who came up with that stupid idea, but they pretty much doomed the world to suffer unimaginable pain, not unlike flossing with a weed whacker. There are reasons fortunetellers, prophets, the Bible, and the instruction manual to Doom foretell of a dark future. Children wreck things. You give them something nice, and they vomit on it, crap on it, smear snot on it, or just flat out bust it. How is entrusting the very future of all living beings to such boisterous cretins going to do any good? Like corrupt jurying at a pie eating contest, this spits holy water on the undead vampire flesh of democracy. But facts are facts, and so we must march forward knowing that some day soon we will have no choice but to accept our fate as slaves to the treacherous child regimes of tomorrow.
Seeing as how I've started things off by being totally negative, I want to do something positive now. I want to put my differences aside and profile some of these future leaders of the free world and offer some of my heartfelt guidance and commentary. For the record, these future candidates all declared their intent to run via this website dedicated to the creativity of children. I must thank SA Forum Goon SydBarrett for exposing me to this site. We really need to embrace these children, for they will eventually be making all the difficult decisions that haunt any position of power.
Democracy in action. Carely, Age 7
One day I was walking in the woods. I saw a deer lying down. I shook him, but he was dead. I started to cry. I said, “What should I do?” I heard a gun. I followed the gun. I saw men killing animals. I said, “Stop! Stop! Stop!” The men did not stop. I called 911. The big, fat men came in a hurry. The policemen arrested the men. They were taken to jail. The men stayed for 10 months. The men were mad because they had to go to jail. I stayed in the woods to take care of the animals. I survived in the woods. I ate the food I packed in my backpack. All of the people heard about me stopping the mean, young men killing the animals. The people wanted me to be president. I took the job to be president. My family was excited. We went to the White House to have a party.
Platform: Wandering Animal Protector
Josh's expert political analysis: While Carely will be a big hit with lunatic animal activists and environmentalists, the more conservative voters will be wary of her less than orthodox behavior. The fact that she refers to law enforcement officers as being fat also suggests she will not give proper respect and treatment to the people responsible for preserving order. One has to wonder if her love of animal and environmental causes has led her to become disenfranchised with authority, making her a dangerous choice for leader. I'm also disappointed that the only time she mentions utilizing the White House is to hold a party.
Taylor, Age 7
One raging hot day, I was walking down the road in the big city and soon after that I was elected President. I jumped up and I said, “Yippee!” I said, this is the best day of my life. Then I drove to the White House. I told the person at the door, “I am the new President.” Then I said no more killing and hunting animals. One day, I looked out my window and saw someone killing two deer. I yelled, “Stop!” But they did not stop. Luckily I had some handcuffs. I said, “Guards go get them up and set the deers free, but I recognized that one of the deer had a baby and I kept the deers. One afternoon, I feed the baby deer and we played for four hours. Then we went to sleep. The next morning, we jumped fences and played games. We had the best of fun. And the deer grew up to be very strong. The deer helped me when I was in trouble. I had the Presidents party and I invited my whole family and they got to feed my deer. We fed it and we had lots of fun we played and played so much that we fell asleep on the floor. The next morning, we slept until lunch time.
Platform: Delighted Animal Protector
Josh's expert political analysis: I admire Taylor's enthusiasm. He seems like he would truly enjoy winning the most powerful position in the world at random. I am, however, off put by his singular focus on befriending the deer population. True, it is commendable that he jumped into action and arrested the culprits audacious enough to hunt deer on the White House lawn, but he should have moved on to address the bigger issues. What is happening to our economy while he is jumping fences with this deer? How are we in terms of international support? I'm also concerned with the ominous reference to the deer helping him get out of trouble. I have to wonder if young Taylor is the next Caligula, perhaps appointing his trusted deer to a position of power to undermine the political order of the United States.
Jeana, Age 8
One day I was sitting outside drinking lemonade and I wanted to go swimming with my kids, but I had to go to work. At work there were lots of papers on my desk. I didn’t want to read the paper, but I did. I won a Nobel Peace Prize. I was so excited! That I screamed very loud. I said to the audience, “Thank you everyone for this trophy. You have all been my special friends. Thank you so much for your love and faith you are all my true friends. Thank you so much and I love being the elected President!” I got to invite a little boy to the White House. He screamed out loud. He thought it was so cool. I said to the guards take him out. He’s screaming in my ear. I want him to go home this minute. I will not have all this screaming in my ear! I hate it when people do that. I said to myself, “I hate it when people do that! Thank goodness he’s out of my house.” I love it when it’s quite in this house. I have to go to work at 5:00 pm. Right now it’s 3:00pm. I will go in two hours. When I go to work, I have papers stacked up really high on my desk. But today is my birthday. I should bring some cake to my friends at my office. That would be nice for my friends. I could also give some to my boss. I love to give people things. I also love to play with my kids. I can play with my kids after work.
Platform: Accidental Winner / Happy Puppet
Josh's expert political analysis: I like the idea of a Noble Peace Prize winner becoming president. Peace usually means people aren't trying to kill me, so I'm down with that. Her political policies seem a bit disturbing, though. She uses her position simply to invite young boys to the White House? That's kind of creepy. Notice how she quickly becomes tired of her guests and sicks security on them like common pests. How soon until she turns on America in the same fashion? I can't help but fear her reign would be threatened by her complete ignorance of the job. She doesn't show up to work until 5:00 in the afternoon and completely avoids doing paperwork by celebrating her own birthday. What kind of president is that? To make matters worse, she references some mysterious boss she works for. Who is this boss? Definitely not the American people! I suspect she's no more than a clueless puppet dangled in front of a tortured nation caught in a web of lies and deceit.
Noah, Age 6
I will help everbody call 911. I will make schools more colorful with lots of paintings. I will have bigger rooms in school. I will make sure the parks and mountains are clean. I will protect the trees. God will protect you and me. The good army will protect the people. I will take care of sick people. If people don’t have houses, I will show them houses they can live in. Now that I am President of America, G.W. Bush will be my helper. He can live in my White house forever.
Platform: Emergency Help Helper
Josh's expert political analysis: Young Noah's desire to help everybody call 911 is frightening. America's emergency response services are already under funded, not to mention understaffed. Besides that, do Americans really need help dialing 3 digits? I realize we're a stupid bunch, but we're not that stupid. I have to wonder, is the president going to show up whenever an emergency occurs and physically assist people in dialing the number? How the hell is that even possible? This is just too vague and cloudy a statement to make to get my vote. I'm also concerned with these mentions of God and the good army. I fear Noah may be some kind of charismatic cult leader ready to turn us into another North Korea. It's nice he's concerned about Bush's well being, although, as the old saying goes, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
Aaron, Age 8
It was January. I was going to the gas station to get gas. It was $3,000.00. I had to lower the prices to $75.00 or $30.00. So, I did. The next morning the air was dirty. So, I had to break down a few factories. I wanted less littering. The next day, I hear a gunshot and I went outside to look. I saw that somebody died. I called 911. The police came. I said, “Go find who done this fast! Before he kills more people.” Put him in jail. I don’t want anymore killing animals or people or trees. I will put you in jail if you don’t stop killing things. The next day, there was a car crash. There was somebody stuck in the car. I tried to get them out of the car. I couldn’t so, I called 911 and the fire truck came. They go him out. I said, “You are safe now.” He said, “Okay.” I went back to the White House to exercise. Then, I read the newspaper. It said that there aren’t enough schools. So I told them to build more schools. And they did.
Platform: No More Killing!!!
Josh's expert political analysis: I think I favor Aaron most of all simply because I can truly relate to the burden of paying too much for gas. While prices aren't quite in the $3,000 range, there is no telling how high they will be tomorrow. I also like Aaron's proactive approach to stopping crime and helping the injured. Most presidents would hide behind an army of Secret Service and never actually do anything, but Aaron goes out there and makes a difference. Not only is he concerned with fuel prices and the safety of others, but he also oversees the destruction of factories. I just worry he is displacing too many American workers. That could be a crippling blow to his presidential prospects.
Brandi, Age 8
Americans elected him into their hearts!On hot summer day, I was at home. I saw people. I said, “Who are you?” They said, “We are Presidents.” I said, “What are you going to do?” They said, “We are going to eat chicken.” If I was president, “I would change schools, help hurt people, help people clean there house, help animals, share money, and give people homes. I said, “Can I be President?” They said, “Yes.” I said, “I want to do homework.” They said, “Alright.” And we had fun. I was the President for a long time. It was the best time. When we got back from the store, we ate some candy.
Josh's expert political analysis:. You don't have to read between the lines to realize that Brandi is a communist. Just look, in her world everybody is a president, clearly indicating that there is no class distinction. Also note the emphasis on communal activities. Brandi wants to help people by cleaning their houses, sharing money, and provide equal shelters to all. She even makes her doing homework sound like a group activity. "We had fun" shows she wasn't alone in her efforts. However, there is some hint of redemption. The final passage about returning from a store suggests a renewed faith in capitalism and its healing ways. I guess any hope of Brandi becoming president rests in America's willingness to play guinea pig. We may suffer, but at the end of her reign we will have candy to look forward to.
Jake, Age 8
One Sunday morning when I just woke up, somebody was knocking fiercely on my motel door. I opened the motel door. I said, “Hello.” The man said, “I was elected president. I said, “Yeah!” the man said, “You have a speech tomorrow. I said, “okay.” When I got to New York where my speech was going to be held. I was so mad! My speech was in Canada. When I got to Canada, I saw where my speech was going to be. When I got on the stage. After my speech was over all the people stood in the stands. Then I made an announcement. I said, “I would lower, lower pollution rates, and lower crime rates. All the people in the stands went wild. At last my speech was over. I went to the White House. Then I went to bed.
Platform: Psychotic Motel Hallucinations / Nomadic Public Speaking
Josh's expert political analysis: I have a theory about Jake. I believe he's completely insane. For one thing, when the mysterious stranger visits Jake at his motel room, there seems to be confusion about who is actually president. Is Jake president, or is the stranger? If you ask me, Jake either has multiple personality disorder or abuses some heavy drugs. The bizarre adventure that follows is fairly jarring as well. Jake and the stranger set out to New York to give a speech when in fact they are supposed to be in Canada. After some frantic last minute traveling, Jake arrives in Canada to give his speech, which is only one sentence in length. Somehow, this all sounds too far fetched to believe. In truth, Jake probably never left the motel room. He just snorted too much cocaine, and things got out of hand. I'd love to see this story adapted into a gritty movie or book.
Elizabeth, Age 7
If I were president, I would build a park, a new store, and a zoo. I would make an apple cider store too. I would end the high gas bills and buy my family presents. I'd plant a garden with a waterfall. I would also build a daycare center for poor people. I would build a car that they could buy. I would cook a feast for the homeless people. The end.
Platform: Apple Cider Reform
Josh's expert political analysis: I don't think we've ever had a politician play the apple cider card, and I eagerly await the results of such a daring move. I'm not such a fan of apple cider, but I'm willing to try new things, especially if it means an extra park, zoo, and store. I like the fact that she is willing to personally prepare a feast for the homeless. It shows she really understands her role as a woman. The only way this ticket could get any sweater is if she secretly prepared a feast of poison for them – not because I hate homeless people, but because I think it would be a pretty funny practical joke for a president to pull. I do think that Elizabeth should leave the car manufacturing to the experts, though.
In the end, while some of these youngsters have some decent ideas, I stand by my initial concern that children will just fuck things up. Plain and simple, children are completely unqualified to run this world, and the records don't lie. Did you know that fascists like Hitler and Mussolini got their start as children? Not to mention every Soviet dictator from Vladimir Lenin to Yakov Smirnoff. But really, it's not so much what they can become, but rather what they are. Children are the dim light bulbs that mar the great marquee of knowledge. Not that we expect standards for our elected officials, but we also don't expect them to be frolicking around chasing deer or dialing 911 constantly. Let's hope we never get far enough into the future to ever suffer through such embarrassing elected officials.
Go Grease Lightning!
There is a new movie review up, courtesy of Ben "Greek Lover" Platt. "Drive In," a truly wonderful sounding movie about mass murder and drive in movies gets to shine in the magical spotlight of review.
"Drive In" stands out among all the movies I've watched, in that it has the single most linear plot I've ever seen. A tubby retard watches too many slasher films so he decides to kill every other character in the movie. That's not a summary. That's the whole thing. There are a few feeble attempts at subplots, but they only exist to introduce more characters for the retard to kill and all end up unresolved because everyone involved dies. You'd think that if a movie has nothing to offer but mindless killing, the killing would at least be pretty decent. You'd be so wrong, I'd start to resent you personally. Most of the actual deaths occur off camera so as to save money on special effects and makeup. Also, someone gets killed with butter. The bulk of the violence occurs in the constant clips taken from a whole mess of old Troma films, which are intentionally bad to begin with. There should be a rule that if your budget is so puny that you can't even make a crappy slasher film without stretching it out with footage from other crappy slasher films, you shouldn't be making a damn movie.
Ding! Ding! Ding! We've got a winner!
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.