This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Dear Parkinson Family,
We here at Kennel Fair were all very impressed by your dog, Whiskers Videodrome Kaleidoscope. In all our years hosting the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant, we have never observed such an astonishing coat of fur. It is, however, my sad duty to report that we must reject your Whiskers because we cannot verify that he or she is in any actuality a canine.
One of our esteemed judges, Chester Knap, gave Whiskers a thorough inspection. Chester relayed to me that, in his 30 years of experience, he has never encountered such a strange oddity as Whiskers. For as deep as he probed with his experienced hands, he could locate no center. He also was unable to retrieve his wristwatch, which came lose while he searched in vain for some evidence of life within the fuzzy mass. Furthermore, his attempts to incite the dog through the use of stimuli, such as biscuits and voice commands, failed provoke any response. Thus we are unable to determine whether Whiskers is a dog, or just a gigantic collection of hair.
We hope that this news does not disappoint you too much. You should take pride in the thing you have fostered, for it is unique and magical in its own unique way. Although we know of no pageants celebrating collections of hair, we feel your Whiskers would place Best in Show if such a competition were to exist.
We welcome you back to our next Kennel Fair should you verify that Whiskers is in fact a dog. Should you recover Chester Knap's wristwatch, he would be grateful to have it back. It has been in his family for some time and holds great sentimental value.
With great respect,
Bernard W. Beauregard
Dear Ms. Agatha Barncraft,
It is with a heavy heart that I deliver this most unpleasant news. Garmonbozia, your beloved Bluetick Coonhound,, will not be advancing to the next round in our Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. While the dog excelled in virtually every category, we were uncomfortable with one extremely unsettling physical characteristic: his complete set of human teeth.
We are not sure how your dog ended up with human teeth. We suspect that you had some work done on him, as such a staggeringly exact mutation would be unlikely to occur in nature. The ghastly sight of your dog smiling with those perfect human teeth caused great stress for Judge Elizabeth Beemarsh. She was also put off by the fact he continuously licked his lips for minutes on end while making a noise not unlike a percolating coffee pot.
As human teeth are uncharacteristic of Garmonbozia's breed, we feel he does not measure up to our exacting standards. We also do not allow dogs that have been artificially enhanced. Show dogs are meant to exemplify the very best in breeding. Cosmetic surgery goes against the very nature of our competition.
We thank you for your participation and wish you and your disturbing dog the best of luck in the future. Should you decide to have him put down, Kennel Fair can furnish a list of qualified veterinarians in your area.
Thank you for your time,
Bernard W. Beauregard
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.