In your hands is the world's leading catalog for fully customized mail-order robots!
Ordering your ultimate robot couldn't be simpler. The following pages feature multiple options for every component of your robot. Simply place a checkmark in the box next to the part that suits your needs, fax your selections to the provided number, and wait three to four weeks for us to send an estimate to your pager!
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Mark IV Ultra Deluxebrain w/ Predictive Target Acquisition
The very latest in robotic heads! The Mark IV Ultra Deluxebrain has enough computational power to solve any problem, find the cure for any disease, and devise the perfect route to earn a billion dollars within a week. Additionally, the head can lock on to any threat, detach, and propel itself into its target at a rate of approximately ten thousand miles per hour.
Constantly morphs to resemble your most desired lover. An advanced central processor combined with unique personality algorithms ensure that your robot will share your every interest, perfectly complement your personality, and fulfill the role of soulmate with 98% more efficiency than any human.
Titanium Ghost Cranium
An actual ghost - helplessly trapped in your very own robot! Built-in inhibitors keep the ghost in line and on task even as the spectre suffers in eternal agony.
Size 7, medium quality bucket with minor dings.
Turns your robot into a full-on mech, just like the hit movie Robo Jox! Just hop in and relax as the bioamniotic fluid engulfs you in a protective womb for the rest of your days.
This remarkably comfortable torso chassis emits a low frequency signal when hugged, signaling your brain with the message "you are loved, life does have a purpose".
Through a process that even its makers don't fully understand, the Infinitex Hull generates more energy than it takes in, creating an infinite reservoir of power that you can tap into at any time.
A Fucking Mop Handle
Sort of splintery. Looks like it might have been used to kill an armadillo at some point.
Gravitational Field Projectors
Manipulates gravity itself, using the most powerful force in the universe to pick up your dirty laundry and place Bagel Bites in your waiting mouth!
43-In-1 Transforming Weapon Platforms
Who needs hands when you have arms like these? Each limb can turn into one of forty three weapon types - some of which haven't even been invented!
Construction Paper Cutout Arms Held In Place By Pizza Advertisement Magnets
Sturdy construction paper, possibly decorated with sparkles and/or dry macaroni. Magnets might prove just strong enough to hold the paper arms in place for a moment, then slide off.
Gyroscopic Magnetic Repulsors
Your robot will permanently hover 2-3 feet above the ground thanks to this remarkable bit of technology which rides on the Earth's magnetic fields like the hoverboard in Back To The Future II.
Mega Kinetic Speed Boost Legs
Using 100% frictionless cores, these highly reinforced limbs can build up enough speed to become a barely visible blur as they propel your robot over land and across water.
Mismatched Legs From Decommissioned Department Store Child Mannequins
Legs might include extraneous thumbs and forefingers - at no additional cost!
Life-Extending Aura Generator
All carbon-based life within 100 yards of your robot will experience cell decay at a rate that is more than 3000% slower than normal, and will regrow 82% of lost cells.
Triplicator Beam Attachment
Mounted on your robot's back, this device can emit a highly experimental beam that creates three additional copies of any object. Bought a new HDTV? You've got three more. Running from a bear? Now you're running from four.
1983 World Series T-Shirt
Very light pit stains. Most of the decal is still intact. Guaranteed to fit your robot perfectly.
Holiday Special! Place your order by the end of Christmas day and receive a complementary phone call from Jose Canseco! Do you know who stole his chandelier? If so, the conversation will go a lot smoother!
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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