The following file was recovered from the computer of an abandoned HOUND left at a strip mall in Tarakia's capital city of Xeres. It is believed to be the first day's deployment log of a former Rafzakael mercenary who joined forces with Tarakia. His or her name is unknown.
W00t! Got my HOUND outfitted with polka dots and my new penguin with a pink bow in its hair logo. Oh snappies, penguins don't have hair. Or do they?! Hehehehehe! I've been practicing screaming racial slurs and I think I am ready to go toe to toe with the other HOUND pilots in the Neroimus war. Welly, welly, wells, time to go off to war.
Let's just fire up the system. Ehhhhhhhhhhh, I could train some more, but it's time to f%$% up some people.
BEE-BOO-BA-BA-BEEP uplink mutha-%$%$ing activated. Hells yeah, look out Morskoj. Lock your doors Sal Kar! A tornado of pain is comin' and its got quad machineguns BRRRRAAAT! I love it when them things blaze up like that.
Wait a second what is this crap? Awwww come on, skip that.
"The Sal Kar government has decided to earmark-," what the crap?! I don't care. Nexxxxt!
"HQ has decided to preferentially supply these weapons to-," f%$ing HQ, preferentially supply your mouth to shut up. What is this now…who are all these people donating money to who, what, what is this crap? I don't care, I'm here to fight a war not give my fat ducats to Jerry's Kids.
Alllllright, at long last, the field of war awaits.
I'll just pick one of these battle zones to...join a squad...create a...what the heck? Forget this, I'm just going to get to the nearest fight I can find.
Okay, this is good, a nice two on two battle. Nothing big, nothing fancy. We've got the map here with the ba-
What the crap is this? Okay, it's okay, it will just re-sort things and start over and we'll be good to go to fight for the glory of Tar-
Son of a b****. Okay, okay, stay calm man. That's what sarge told you. Keep your cool and everything will be all right. We'll just locate another battle here.
Okay, nice rocky map, nice full roster of people ready to duke it out over the ba-
I swear to crap, this same villain must be behind all this. Okay, maybe this time it will work. It's not saying my uplink is down. Here it goes. Why is it just sitting on that same screen? It's not doing anything. Oh, wait, here we go, but now I'm by myself. Forget this, I'll find a different battle.
Okay, now I'll just have to download a few more bulletins, but everything will be fine.
Huh. Wellllllllllllllllllllll, one more time.
8 minutes? When was that? Time to download the messages again. Yes, I know, King Pimp Magooz donated generously much to the surprise of I don't give a crap. Ooh, emergency bulletin, so and so are invading bla bla! I'd better hurry to the frontlines! Oh wait, I can't!
Tarakia, you make it really hard to love you. I'm gonna spark this blunt one more time.
Aww hell yeah. This map looks familiar, but I don't see the disconnect villain up in here. Let me just throw out some greetz.
"What up niggers?!"Mother fu-
The recovered log terminates abruptly, almost as if the pilot powered down his or her HOUND and left it abandoned there and then at the strip mall. The Neroimus War rages on. The Tarakian government was surprised to find a massive donation from...
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.