Sick of flipping through the channels and having to wade through the endless QVC stations? Tired of all the worthless crap being hawked to gullible hicks with satellite dishes on their trailers and maxed-out credit cards from Sears? Of course you're not! Those are some of our most beloved Americans! And today it is time for the rest of us, those computer and English-savvy enough to reach this site rather than our misspelled neighbor, to step up to that same standard. After all, buying utterly worthless junk is a large part of what makes America great. At least three eighths, anyway. If George Washington hadn't bought those incredibly lame wooden teeth that break when you smile, our first President would have been a gummy freak, and that would have set a weird precedent. If Thomas Jefferson hadn't bought the endless stretch of swamp and alligator feces known as the Louisiana Purchase, our nation would only be a tiny fraction of its current size today. There probably also wouldn't have been a Civil War, but whatever. If Abraham Lincoln hadn't bought that massive stovepipe hat that no woman would ever find even remotely attractive, he would have had no place to stash his pot. And now it is your turn to take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to buy these limited edition items that will never, ever be offered again, unless they fail to completely sell out today, in which case they'll be available for three hours a day, Monday through Friday, for the next eight weeks.
Genuine Tetrahedric Zirconias
Here we see the Tetrahedric Zirconia ore in its unprocessed form.
Bob and Jenny had been dating for a couple years, and they couldn't be happier. They were head over heels in love. Bob was even getting ready to pop the big question! He was just waiting until he found the perfect ring to give to Jenny. But then Bob lost his job down at the plant because the boss's idiot son who only got the job through nepotism screwed up the latest shipment and the company had to make up for the loss, and Frankie "The Pain Giver-Outer" Fumicelli called in all of Bob's outstanding gambling debts on threat of numerous deep paper cuts and lemon juice, and a week later Bob got caught at White Castle trying to buy a cheeseburger with Monopoly money. Does Bob's story sound all too familiar? Then give your Jenny (by which we mean your significant other, not that scraggly old mule you used to experiment with back on the farm) the ring she's always dreamed of without breaking the bank. Get her a one hundred percent genuine tetrahedric zirconia - for when cubic zirconias don't make you look quite like the cheap bastard you know you are!
Let's face it, in today's lousy economy, who can afford honest diamonds? Even the next best thing, cubic zirconias, are getting too pricey for the modern day stingy jackass who really can't afford to get married anyway like you. But never fear! At last there is something available within your price range, so you can go ahead and propose, even though deep down you know you can't give her anything even remotely close to the life she deserves. Hell, you can't even give her the life she should be punished with for plowing over that old gypsy woman on I-98 three years ago. But you can give her a ring. That's because tetrahedric zirconias aren't diamonds. They're not even imitation diamonds. In fact, even to call them imitation imitation diamonds would be pushing it a little. What they are are the best way to buy a beautiful ring without having to sell your last kidney.
Tetrahedric zirconias are made from the very finest Saran Wrap, wadded up into tiny balls guaranteed not to come undone unless she tugs at it a whole bunch. They may not have the everlasting resiliency of diamonds or even a solid piece of plastic of comparable size, but when the light catches it just right, both you and your beloved will know that your love is strong enough to endure long after the ring has rubbed down to nothing (estimated two to six weeks, depending on how often she reaches into her pocket or other tight spaces).
Testimonial: "I lost my entire savings in the tocks market. You see, I'm dyslexic, so you can see how I could make such a silly mistake. As it turned out, the Tocks Market was actually just the home of some guy named Jimmy Tocks who was all too happy to take every red cent off my hands. When I tried to get it back, he beat me into a coma with a box of cake mix. Chocolate, I think. When I came to, I realized that I didn't have enough money left to my name to buy my sweet Penelope any ring that didn't come from one of those little dispensers in a super market. That's when I heard about TETRAHEDRIC ZIRCONIAS. Finally, a ring that I could afford! I proposed the next night over a romantic candlelit dinner. As Penelope admired the way the candlelight reflected in the TETRAHEDRIC ZIRCONIA, I took her hand in mine and gazed lovingly into her eyes, knowing we'd be together forever. I suppose that was an ironic thought to have at that precise moment, as we were both so blinded by our love that we didn't notice the heat from the candle melting the Saran Wrap. We both suffered second degree burns on our fingers and the cooled plastic fused us together until doctors were able to separate us weeks later. We had never been closer!" Rick, 35
The Tetrahedric Zirconia - 1 ring $0.98
The Nasal Ninja
Soon your nose, too, can look like this. Weird and floating in space.
If you're like me, you're a faceless shill for a greedy conglomerate of rich old white men who couldn't give two shits if you live or die! If you're not like me, however, you've probably asked yourself, "there are so many fitness products on the market, but none that target the nose? What's up with that, yo?" Well, I'll tell you what's up with that! Those fatcats behind every single fitness-related product, service, or program other than ours hate you personally and want you to be unconfident and unattractive so that you'll fail to find a mate, become miserable, and end up taking your own life in your parent's basement with a staple gun and a plastic horseshoe, so they can point at your staple-ridden corpse and laugh and laugh and laugh. But not us! We want you to be happy and successful, and we know that the key to being happy and successful is having a nose that is toned, fit, and bulging with every muscle that you can cram up there. In fact, that's the only way to be happy and successful. You do want to be happy and successful, don't you, pussy? That's what I thought! Then read on!
The Nasal Ninja is designed to give you the hunky nose you've always wanted without dangerous surgery or countless hours at some overpriced gym In fact, if you're not completely satisfied with the results you achieve with the Nasal Ninja, we will expose you to the avoidable danger and waste both your time and your money to make it up to you.
By now you've got to be curious about just how the Nasal Ninja works. That is, unless you're some sort of dumbass. You're not a dumbass, are you, pussy? I didn't think so! Considering that this is the first total nasal workout product on the market, you might expect that it would be tricky to use and take lots or hard work. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Well, okay, I suppose if you said, "George Wendt is a petite British schoolgirl," that would be farther from the truth, but it would also be somewhat off topic and conjure up a series of disturbing and oddly arousing images. That being said, the Nasal Ninja is so easy to use, you don't even have to lift a finger! Just install two double-A batteries, fit the Nasal Ninja over the bridge of your nose, and wait for your workout to begin! At totally random intervals between two seconds and twenty-nine minutes, the Nasal Ninja will shoot tiny bursts of concentrated acid directly into your eyes. As your face scrunches up in a grimace of the most agonizing of all pain, you'll be exercising the vital muscles in and around your schnozz without even knowing it!
The factor that makes the Nasal Ninja so effective is the element of surprise. You'll never know when the Nasal Ninja is going to strike. Its inner timer is run by a random-number generator. Maybe you'll be have time to relax and forget all about your last intensely horrendous acid spraying before it will hit you again, maybe it will spray you again the second you get your partially melted eyelids open. There's no way to know! That way the Nasal Ninja will always catch you off guard, ensuring the largest possible facial spasms when that acid finally does squirt right into your sensitive mucous membranes and tear ducts! In no time, you'll be amazed by your results. You may not be able to see it for yourself, as your eyes will be useless puddles of goop by that point, but friends and coworkers will complement you on your fabulously toned proboscis! And that means nose!
Testimonial: "Sure, I was built like a male model and had the endurance of a race horse, and sure women loved me and my amazing body, but I always knew that something was missing. I had the abs, the pecs, the glutes, and lats, and the schtups, but I knew my nose wasn't as fit as it could be, and that made me less confident. After just six weeks of using the NASAL NINJA for just ninety minutes a day, I'm permanently blind in one eye and the other one leaks fluid at a pretty steady clip, but my nose has never looked better!" Bruce, 30
The Nasal Ninja - one unit $169.95
Additional acid refills - $4.99 ea.
Fallopaphyl for Women
Actual pill is better photoshopped.
Ladies, what's the worst part of being a woman? Is it the objectification by men? The degradation inherent to Western culture? The inequities in the workforce? The expectations that you will handle the cooking, cleaning, and childrearing in your relationship? Don't be silly! You know you love all that stuff, don't you, Jiggles? The worst part of being a woman is having to deal with those few days a month when nothing seems to go right. You feel bloated, you're irritable, you have a headache, and - oh yeah - you bleed more than a statue of the Virgin Mary in Mexico. Yes, menstruation is a tough but necessary part of the female life cycle. But if there's one thing that's worse than having your period, it's the anticipation of your period. There's nothing more frustrating than knowing that no matter what you do, that rough patch is just around the corner. It's the pits, right ladies? Well not anymore! Now there's Fallopaphyl!
This revolutionary dietary supplement for women which is totally and legally distinct from a drug, especially meth, is designed to help you cope with that awful anticipation of your monthly visit from Aunt Flo. How does it work? By making sure she sticks around all month long!
That's right, taking just one tiny, easy to swallow Fallopaphyl tablet every eight hours keeps your body menstruating around the clock, every single day of the month! Why suffer through the weeks of agonizing waiting for your next period when you can just get them all out of the way in one clean chunk? Well, not "clean," per se, but you get the idea. Fallopaphyl will have you bleeding nonstop until you get dizzy and pass out, and we guarantee that you'll still be bleeding like a champ when you wake up. Just try to find one other pill on the market that makes that guarantee. You won't find a single one! And if you do, they're a sack of lying whores! Only Fallopaphyl has the patented formula proven to make your ovaries shoot egg after egg out of your body in a nonstop river of cleansing blood and raw, damaged uterine lining! Your ova will be bursting out of you like popcorn kernels in a microwave! In fact, you'd better tell that special someone in your life - as well as anyone else within a four foot radius of you - to put on some goggles, because for single cells with only twenty-three chromosomes, they can really do some damage!
(Note: Cessation of dosage before menopause may result in cervical swelling, fallopian thrashing, and discharge like you wouldn't fucking believe.)
Testimonial: "When I was a little girl, all of my friends started ovulating before I did. I was so jealous! When I finally started dropping baby halves on a monthly basis, I realized it's not all it's cracked up to be. Now, after just four short years of using FALLOPAPHYL, I'm barren as the Gobi and twice as happy! Thanks, FALLOPAHYL!" - Amy, 18
Fallopaphyl - 1 bottle (20 tablets) $29.99
My friends, offers like these don't come along every day. It's a good thing, too, because if they did, it would most likely drive you insane. Insane with savings, that is! Act now, because before you know it, these unique and amazing items will be gone forever. Well, probably not that first one. Those seem pretty easy to come by. But the last two items are most definitely in short supply. Come to think of it, it doesn't make much sense for those pills to have a limited stock. I mean, that's pretty much the whole point of them, that you can take however many you want for as long as you want. So there are probably plenty of those. But get your Nasal Ninja now, because when those are gone, they're gone for good!
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.