This update is brought to you by SAITGO (Something Awful Internet Travel Guide to the Outside) in partnership with Cadbury Halloween Eggs, the special edition eggs with bloody fetuses encased in creamy chocolate shells, and with the support of readers like you.
Greetings, and welcome as we take a fantastic journey to one of the truly great treasures of the world. Today we will be exploring the wonders of Venezuela, the South American paradise that is nestled between the loving arms of Colombia and warm buttocks of Brazil. If you are planning a vacation in the near future, I hope this travel guide helps sway your decision into choosing Venezuela as your destination. As you soon will see, this spot is the hot location for swinging singles, couples that just want to escape, and even families that want a real adventure. Despite what you might have heard, Venezuela has ABSOLUTELY NO VAMPIRES! Don't believe the lies! Now, join us as we graft wings on your back and staple you to a Pegasus as we whisk you away into the heart of this land of mystery that is Venezuela.
The story of Venezuela is rich with history and culture. Unfortunately, I don't know that story because I was hired for this gig at the last minute and didn't have ample time to prepare. I'm really supposed to be at the Little Missy Prettypants beauty contest right now working as the emcee, but this payed a little more and I was uncomfortable about breaking my parole by coming within 50 yards of soft, innocent children. You know, this isn't what I went to school for. I spent 6 years and a huge sum of money to become a Java programmer, and now I'm whoring myself out making balloon animals at bar mitzvahs and working overtime at "Hot Dog on a Stick". Who would've thought that everybody else would go into computers as well, and not business administration or TV repair like in the 80's. I'm really starting to think my career path was a wrong one and I'm close to going back to school to learn how to suck cocks. I hear there's good money in that.
Caracas: I'm not entirely sure, but I think this is the capital of Venezuela because on all the maps the name is a little more bold than the rest. The city is probably a great tourist spot because there is a good chance it has electricity, running water, and maybe even hamburgers. There are also a host of great nightclubs for you folks that like to live on the wild side and get women drunk, have unprotected sex in the bathroom, and come home with a full blown case of AIDS. There is never a shortage of tomfoolery and mischief that you can get yourself mixed up in. Hire a guide to show you around the city and steal your camera, take a helicopter ride smuggling drugs across the border, or even stay in your hotel room and watch cartoons speaking in crazy South American dialect. Just one word of advice, don't run foul of the local gang who isn't afraid to slice open your fanny pack and eat your traveler's checks right in front of you. If you see one, just slowly back away or climb a lamp pole. Also wear garlic and crosses because for some reason it drives them back into their dark cubby holes below the city.
The Beach: This is the hot spot for tourists looking to get a nice, crispy melanoma tan, or for perverts spying on the naked women in the nude section and ejaculating onto a crab. Just be careful of the crabs because they can grow extremely large in this area and have been known to chop off fingers and torsos of unknowing tourists who foolishly wade into the surf without any body armor or large spears. Besides the dangers of the man-eating crabs and great white sharks the lurk just off the reef, this beautiful location is perfect for waterskiing, parasailing, or playing cat and mouse with the local drug lords just like in that movie "The Beach" with Leonardo DiCaprio. That movie sucked.
The Jungle: This is the prime location for you adventurous types who love the outdoors and survivors of harrowing ordeals in order to get made-for-TV movie offers by the networks. Here you can hire the best poachers money can buy to drive you around in their jeep until they find an endangered species for you to shoot. Since there are not many of these animals left, your really have to be proactive to nab one of them before it’s too late. I really want a set of monkey heads that I can serve to guests like in ‘The Temple of Doom’, but instead of serving their brains I would just fill the heads with chicken soup or something because brains are gross. If there is at least one reason to visit Venezuela this fall, it's shooting monkeys.
Coffee factory tour: Venezuela is the largest producer of coffee in the world and its rich beans are carefully cultivated in its many coffee bean farms around the country. This particular factory farm was the original started by Juan Valdez and his magical mule companion, Francisco. Juan had a famous saying in those days that went like this: I like my women like I like my coffee. Thrown into a burlap sack and slung over the back of a mule, and then taken back to my basement to be burned, crushed, and scalded with hot water. Sure Juan had his dark side, but he made the best coffee around, and soon his business became world famous. Francisco went on to become Juan’s Capo, running another coffee operation on the west side of the country. But Francisco the mule become too greedy and tried to betray Juan and take everything for himself. A violent war ensued, known as the coffee wars, and left the market in tatters, leaving poor farmers and businessmen left in the uncaring hands of Folgers instant coffee. Eventually, Francisco was killed and Juan’s empire was once more restored, bringing an end to Venezuela’s bloodiest chapter. On this factory tour you will be shown all the historical spots of the Coffee War, as well as where Juan first met Francisco under an enchanted plum tree. If you mention my name, you’ll get a free sack of coffee beans, or a shotgun blast to the knees, depending on my tab at the time. Oh wait a second, this happened in Colombia. Ok, never mind, don’t read this paragraph and just move on to number five.
Worlds Largest Rubber Band: Easily one of the most popular tourist destinations in Venezuela is the really large rubber band that was found by a local farmer when he was digging a hole to hide from his wife. This behemoth boasts a span of 30 feet and has enough stretching power to hold of the children of Mexico in its suffocating grasp. Currently on display on top of the farmer’s roof, it’s a must see for any visitors in the area or devout Christians on a holy pilgrimage. Yes, the world’s largest rubber band had been declared a holy relic by the Catholic Church because a patch on its side kind of looks like Jesus if he was clean shaven and weighed about 50 pounds more. Every year, millions of people flock to the rubber band and pay the farmer a small donation to be catapulted into a dung pile. This is said to be a ritual of being born again and teaches humility to all those who pass through the stretchy arches of heaven. But be warned, if the world’s largest rubber band senses you are a heathen or have less than holy intentions to be launched, it will take action against you. I won’t go into any gruesome details so you can just use your imagination on this one.
The Ruins: Located at this site are some of the most awe inspiring and breathtaking ruins in South America; this is a must see for any history buffs. I fully admit that I’m totally ignorant on any history whatsoever except for what I’ve seen in the movies, but I think there were something like Mayans or Zulus and they had some spears and sacrifices and shit. These ruins are actully huge temples built for their Gods, but it didn't really work well because I don't see any of them around today. Go ahead and feel free to explore the ruins at your lesuire, just make sure you head back when it starts to get dark. Take my word for it, you don't want to be at the ruins at night under any circumstances. There are some things in the world better left unexplaned, like the dozen tourists found drained of blood and hanging upsidown naked from some trees last year. Have fun!
The Mystery Spot: Just another tourist trap, literally. Do not visit the mystery spot if you want to live.
Dracula’s Castle: Deep within the Carpathian Mountains lies a fortress of evil where the guardian of the undead sits on his throne of skulls. His name is Dracula and his thirst for innocent blood will never be quenched until he is destroyed. The castle is open from 9:00 AM-6:00 PM on weekdays and noon to 5:00 PM on weekends. Admission is $8 for adults, $5 for seniors, and $4 for children under 10 and beautiful virgin women. Please note that once you enter Dracula’s Castle, the law of Venezuela ends at the door and you may be subject to a special brand of the count’s offbeat humor and be prepared, it can get a little “blue”. Please leave all religious icons, garlic, and wooden stakes in your car or there is a chance the count will dispatch you as you enter and dump your corpse from the highest tower of the castle. Don’t say I didn't’t warn you
Ok so there might be a few vampires in Venezuela but what country doesn't have their share of problems? If you decide to visit Spain instead they have a terrible rat problem, Italy is running rampant with cockroaches, and Greece is filled with Greeks. Just stop being such a baby about it and come spend your vacation in the Venezuela sun frolicking with capybaras. So maybe I was hired by VVHIWLTTUD (Venezuela Vampires Hiring Internet Writers to Lure Tourists to Their Unsuspecting Deaths) Foundation to make my update a vacation guide today instead of writing observations about airline food and the differences between men and women like I had planned. Big deal, I need the money.
Look just go there ok? Is that so much to ask? Jesus it's like pulling teeth with you people.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
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