Ye Olde Oblivion Bulletine Boarde
BY DECREE OF THE KING

Anyone found in the newly-discovered HaCkEd bY jOhN Forest without a permit will be sentenced to one year of walking back and forth in a jail cell. This includes you foolhardy adventurers searching for some mythical item named "GOKU'S POWER SWORD" which causes a victim's clothes to disappear when attacked. That's sexual assault and we're not afraid to increase your bounty to 10 gold pieces.

Button LOST

Three gold.

LAST SEEN: A barrel.

Button BILQUE'S CALIPER EMPORIUM

I have calipers, many calipers. Stacks of calipers as far as the eye can see, blocking way to my bed and the fire door. Calipers from all over this great country. Calipers used in petty crimes, new calipers, slightly used calipers, calipers which may or may not talk to you depending on how much mead you've consumed. All kinds of calipers (no red or green calipers though). My calipers are aged in a special box for two years, which critics say gives them "a very yarn or sandle-like feel." If you bring in a copy of this ad, I will not only give you two calipers for the price of one, but additionally throw in a free scale. You can use the scale to weigh your calipers, but I'm not sure how. Somebody once told me the scale was enchanted, but I'm not really sure about that. Now that I think about it, the guy who told me that was the same guy who sold me the scale in the first place.

YOU'VE TRIED BUYING CALIPERS FROM THE REST, NOW TRY BUYING CALIPERS FROM THE BEST OF THE REST

DISCLAIMER: Bilque takes no responsibility for any caliper-related injuries that may occur from using calipers incorrectly. Please consult your caliper manual for proper use.

Button WANTED

Physically adept HERO OF KVATCH to do odd jobs for aging shopkeep. Duties include, but are not limited to:

  • Searching for rats,
  • Killing rats,
  • Killing panthers who kill my rats,
  • Standing in one place and jumping up and down a bunch until you can jump over buildings,
  • Retrieving some minor item which somehow got transported into Elven ruins and is being guarded by folks who stand around in the dark all day in their bathrobes

If interested send resume and three references to LINDA GLORYSWORD, CO GOLD COAST WAY, 6124 WALKING BETWEEN THE DRUG STORE AND THE INN SIX HOURS A DAY AVE. Serious inquiries only, please. I cannot offer any gold or experience points, but I can give you a hood or piece of shoddy armor that's vastly inferior to whatever you're currently wearing.

Buttonif I looking for rat

him name is hopkin green rat

I lost my rat
329-3228
Love Terry
PS: I'll find my rat
Who took my rat

Button REVOLUTIONARY NEW INVENTION PREPARES TO SHAKE UP THE WORLD OF SCIENCE!!!

My name is Phinneas T. Vorvaldis, world-famous inventor. I have recently discovered a high tech, top secret method of PHYSICALLY PLACING ONE BARREL INSIDE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BARREL, THEREBY CREATING A DOUBLE-INFINITE AMOUNT OF STORAGE SPACE. Come visit my house any time on any day and I'll take a break from drinking the same cup of wine to explain to you the fabulous franchise possibilities selling my patented InfiniBarrels (c) (patent pending).

Located in Burma, next to the house where the guy spends his entire day crossing his arms.

WARNING: Do not try to place a barrel inside an InfiniBarrel (c) or else the universe may implode and your living room will fill up with paintbrush palettes.

Button WANTED: CASTLE GUARDS

Must be a white human with heroic voice and an ability to guard things such as stairs and an unlocked door. Must be willing to fight nefarious villains such as the Grey Fox, who wants to steal our precious stairs and unlocked doors and use them in some kind of contraption which forces you to walk up stairs and open a door until you die.

Please send a headshot to: CASTLE BARRACKS.

Job benefits include a chair you can sit in and a room full of people who look exactly like you, who will ask you such exciting questions as "hear any news from Kvatch lately?" and enthrall you with their mesmerizing tales of seeing an ogre in the woods. Also your wardrobe changes dynamically, based on if some guy running around the country has killed a certain amount of rats.

Button GOT EMPTY BARRELS? LET US FILL ‘EM!

Four Dwarves and a Mule, Inc. wants to help YOU! We have a combined decade’s worth of experience filling barrels and being dwarves, and our newly expanded service has branched to include BOXES and CORPSES IN EMPTY MINES! Our highly trained barrel-filling experts will fill the piles of barrels in front of your house with a number of exciting items, including FOOD and CLOTHES. Worried about shiftless layabouts stealing your loot? Don’t! In our experience even the hungriest of bums won’t think to search a barrel full of food in the middle of town! Imagine how classy your house would look once we've crammed a bunch of pants into that crate sitting near your door!

PREMIUM SERVICE now includes the option of placing some shoes or even a scale inside the receptacle of your choice!

DISCLAIMER: Due to Union regulations and possible health risks, our workers will not fill any InfiniBarrels (c).

Button HELP ME GET RID OF THESE GODDAMN PESTLES

You hear it here first: I’m an idiot! I was just running my shop, screaming for guards every time someone farted at a box of bloodgrass, when this guy in a blue robe came in. Now I consider myself a pretty thrifty guy, but this guy who walked in, he was threatening me, then joking with me, then complimenting me, then coercing me, and next thing you know I’m buying like 130 of these goddamn things at 20 gold apiece! Now the wife’s pissed because she can’t take a step without tripping over a pestle and nobody’s buying the goddamn things. I’m looking for a strapping young lad (preferably a Hero of Kvatch-type) to dump them off some place they can never escape. Maybe an Oblivion gate or that wacky dimension inside the sleeping guy's brain.

REWARD: A ring that weighs 6,000 pounds even though it’s so small it won’t fit on my finger. It's a great novelty item or party joke, if you hate your friends.

UPDATE: Actually don't put them in the sleeping guy's brain because I heard there's already a bed and a bunch of rooms and hallways in there and that's probably the last thing the poor idiot needs.

Button We want YOUR shovels!

Shovels. Everyone has ‘em, nobody knows what to do with ‘em. FOUR DWARVES AND A MULE, INC. has a great interest in the shovel field, and we want answers! What are they? Where do they come from? How many shovels can one fit in a barrel? A box? A cupboard? Our research scientists are working around the clock to find solutions, and WE NEED YOUR HELP! We are paying four gold per shovel in increments of ten.

!!!BONUS OPPORTUNITY!!!

Can you enchant items? Bring your altar on down and enchant some of these things! Just imagine it: a shovel that protects you from lightning damage!

Button BY DECREE OF THE KING

All residents are asked to stop somersaulting everywhere as a means of transportation. King Lavernius of the Hedgehog People considers such a motion an insult to his people, and has threatened a tariff on all balls of yarn exported from his kingdom unless we cease and desist. All three of his citizens have already placed an embargo on our imported buckets and green felt pantaloons.

Button WANTED

Some way to destroy this pumpkin patch.

I was really bored a couple years ago and decided "what the heck, I'll grow some pumpkins." My friend Eartyl said I could create some "boss potions" by combining pumpkins and some plant that tries to stab you in the face when you go to pick it. So I tossed some pumpkin seeds in my front yard and frankly forgot about them.

Now I find out there's no way to ever get rid of the stupid things growing out of my lawn. You keep picking them over and over and they just generate new pumpkins. What man could possibly need this many pumpkins? I have no idea how to destroy them, and frankly I can't carry any more because my health insurance premiums absolutely go through the roof when I'm encumbered. Somebody please get rid of this rotten pumpkin crop so I can use the land for something more constructive. I'm thinking about growing watermelons there.

SPECIAL BONUS: Mention this ad and get 50% off any watermelons I may grow in the future.

Button Invisible People Are People Too!

Listen, I know you people like to prance around with your high-falootin’ “visible bodies” and “ability to shave without slicing your lips off,” but we invisible people are SICK and TIRED of the constant discrimination. I can’t so much as walk into this town without people screaming “GHOST” and walking two or three steps out of the path they walk each and every day. We can’t help it that Mr. Wizard up there in Castle Faggot decided to cast that spell on us any more than your Cat People can take a crap without burying it in a potted ninroot plant.

And whoever found that invisible chambermaid with the silence spell on her: HER. MOUTH. WAS. NOT. A. TOILET.

Button OH BY THE GODS HE SOLD ME THOSE FRIGGING PESTLES AGAIN

I couldn’t help it! He was in armor instead of that robe, and right when I noticed who it was he threw some sort of green fireball at me and my body started glowing. I swear to Christ, it was like I’d drank a fifth of grog and he was my best buddy! I knew they were the same pestles – there were 132 of them and they all said “property of Mage’s Guild” on ‘em – but it was like I just WANTED to give the guy money! So he took off again and now I’m stuck with all these goddamn things, and they are nice pestles but I’ve already mashed up more tobacco and rat meat cocktails than I EVER want to see! Once I told my wife about this, she got up and walked out and left me a "Dear Johne" letter scribbled across the parchment paper in my lectern.

Applicants for removal must have experience hauling pestles AND NOT SELLING THEM BACK TO HAPLESS SHOPKEEPS and also must be clean-shaven. Any applicant wearing a robe or armor will be killed on sight. I have plenty of experience calling for guards, so don't tempt fate buddy.

Button HENRY’S BOOKS-A-PLENTY M-M-M-MEGA SALE!

That’s right folks! CRRRRRAZY Henry here with the deal of the century: an “enchanted” printing press and over SIX-THOUSAND COPIES of “A Song Less Rude” at prices so low you’ll think a goblin knocked me retarded with a magic fire club! The “enchanted” press is capable of spitting out book... oops, I mean books... at speeds so FAST, so INCREDIBLE, you’ll never need a copy of “A Song Less Rude” again! And the books are useful for even more! I read a copy and before you know it I was running faster than ever and swinging a sword like an Arena Grand Champion! Nothing says "class" quite like 600 copies of "A Song Less Rude" lining your bookcase!

COMING SOON: "A Song Even Less Rude Than the Previous Song." The least rude song ever written! Preorder today!

Button WARNING

IT MIGHT NOT BE "JUST A RAT"!!!!

If you hear some strange sounds near you, like the sounds of heavy footsteps and grown men killing each other with two-handed swords, DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE I DID AND MERELY DISMISS IT AS "JUST A RAT!!!" I heard some odd noises last night in my bandit cave where us bandits hide a bunch of lockpicks for no real reason, and foolishly chalked it up to rats, or possibly drinking too much. I even said something like "what's that noise? Oh, it's probably just a rat" and "boy I shouldn't have drank so much mead last night," even though nobody else was in the room. As it turns out, these sounds I heard weren't made by rats; they were being created by A HUMAN BEING WHO ATTEMPTED TO MURDER ME!!! As a general rule, rats make "squeak squeak" sounds, while humans stabbing your friends to death sound more like "ugh argh stop stabbing me aaargh" or something along those lines.

DON’T MAKE THE MISTAKE I DID!!! Sign up for my five week, comprehensive class at the Cheydinhal Castle County University entitled "How to Differentiate Rats and Murderers." An optional lab component will study, in depth, the different audio properties between rats and grown men wearing 200 pounds of weapons and armor.

Button An Apology

We know when we make a mistake, and we know we need to apologize. Happytime Wizards sincerely apologizes for any “experiment” which may or may not have caused the spontaneous combustion of every child in Tamriel. To alleviate the grief we are offering all returning customers a free de-cursing along with a high-quality fire-resistant swaddling kit. The first 132 customers will also receive a high-quality used novice pestle, courtesy of a nice young man who was selling the items at the low price of 40 gold each.

Button We’re Rolling Back!

Cutting back means bigger savings for you, the customer!!! Due to a sudden decrease in sales, Four Dwarves and a Mule, Inc. will no longer be offering its “STUFF CHILD IN BARREL” promotion. While we will certainly miss the opportunity to pack your rugrats into a wooden container, this means even LOWER, CRAZIER prices on our trademarked “STUFF FOOD IN BARREL” and “STUFF CLOTHES IN BARREL” promotions!

In other news, Four Dwarves and a Mule, Inc. plans to offer a barrel-free babysitting service in the very near future. Contact Four Dwarves and a Mule, Inc. in nine months for further details.

DISCLAIMER: Due to legal and ethical considerations, Four Dwarves and a Mule, Inc. refuses to send any more exploration teams into InfiniBarrels (c) to search for missing children.

Button WARNING

BEWARE OF STRANGE ADVENTURER!

An odd fellow by the name of "SuCkMyNuTzTiFa420" has been encountered by several different residents. If you happen to see this villain MAKE ALL ATTEMPTS TO STAY AWAY. Although his badge claims he is an adventurer, witnesses have seen him doing nothing but destroying clay pots with his sword and simulating fellatio with other residents. He is also believed to be responsible for the castle furniture massacre, in which someone pushed thousands of pounds of furniture from across the land in front of the doors to the castle.

IF YOU SEE THIS EVILDOER, PLEASE SCREAM FOR THE GUARDS AS LOUD AS YOU CAN! They will be standing by a door or some stairs, so try to lure him there or something.





Duh-duh-duh DAILY DIRT

In this week's daily dirt I will likely namedrop some people and post a zany picture! And you wouldn't want to miss that!

– Evan "Pantsfish" Wade & Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

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