This is me giving a lecture at our weekly PETA meeting.

Ew, are you seriously gonna drink that, man? Do you know what's in that crap? Your precious Diet Coke is more like DIE COKE because that junk will kill you faster than I can rotate the jog wheel on my U2 Limited Edition iPod. You know the main ingredient in Diet Coke? It's aspartame, a chemical which liquefies your internal organs and turns into embalming fluid after it's exposed to oxygen. Seriously man, these scientists did a study where they carbonated some aspartame and then the H20 molecules caused tiny detonations which converted the artificial sweetener into hydrochloric acid, and then it exploded and blew the head off a nun and some crippled orphans. Then all the cola totally irradiated the ground for like six decades, man.

It's completely 100% true, I heard about this on some radio show talking about a website that interviewed a guy who knew a doctor. It's totally true, man. 20 years from now, when half of the world is dead and rotting from drinking diet cola, I'll be there laughing at you all, standing on a pile of your corpses and shouting, "GUESS YOU SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO ME!" at all your dead bodies.

You drink that shit and it's totally goodbye for you, man. There was this study where these scientists gave Diet Coke to a bunch of flies and they all got brain cancer within 43 seconds of drinking the stuff. For real, they all started dropping like flies and keeling over, and then the aspartame ate through their stomaches and began leaking out all over the place and vaporized a 18-inch thick steel plate and then those two helicopters crashed into the World Trade Center. Oh, and their eyeballs exploded too, and flies have like nine billion eyes and all nine billion of them blew up like raspberry-filled donuts full of TNT.

If your precious diet revolves around taking a dump and watching your liquefied internal organs leak out your ass like a really weird gross slide, then just keep drinking that crap, man. I'll just sit here and finish drinking my Starbucks coffee while you go ahead and kill yourself to death like the stupid sheep lemming dingo koala you are.

It's true, man. The reason you dont hear about this in the news is because the guys who made aspartame, Monsanto, have completely bought off every single news source and government and organization in the world. They got their hands all over the globe, man, and they can buy and sell entire countries like sticks of Pocky. The entire planet has been bought by Big Aspartame, and that's why you never see all the research proving it will give you cancer and make your arms fall off and turn into poison dust. I knew this guy, I think his name was Edgar, anyway this guy drank some Diet Pepsi once and then he started getting headaches and he went to the doctor and the doctor told him he had AIDS. Well you know what? He didn't have AIDS before he drank that aspartame shit! So he tried to get a lawyer to sue those corporate fatcats, but nobody would take his case. You know why? Because Monsanto cuts checks for every single lawyer in the world, that's why.

Enjoy your sugar-coated death, corporate whore.

It's completely true, he told me all this shit personally when I visited him in prison. If you don't believe me, I'll show you some text files which I think were written by a doctor or somebody who once spelled the word "doctor" on their ninth consecutive attempt, and this document proves that it's complete poison. Just save yourself the trouble and go drink some embalming fluid laced with bleach mixed in hydrochloric acid and strychnine, man, because there's no difference between that and drinking diet soda. Hey too damn bad if I sound a little hyper about this; it really means a lot to me, and this energy drink is making me kinda hyper.

Yeah, that's right, put down the Diet Death Cancer but really, go ahead and eat your precious steak. Do you have any idea what you're doing to your body? It's like paying somebody to shovel rat poison down your throat and then sexually assault your wife with a bullhorn. I read a report that somebody wrote something somewhere conclusively PROVING that red meat gives you bowel cancer even if you just smell some cooked meat or look at a cow without sunglasses. It's true! I read it on the Internet.

Every piece of meat you chew sits in your stomach for nine years, just building up gasses and generating unnatural chemicals until they turn into little wads of explosive acid that burn holes through your thorax. Man was never meant to eat meat! If we were supposed to eat meat, why would we, ourselves, be made out of meat? Our we supposed to eat ourselves? I mean, you don't see plants eating other plants, man. It's only human who do dumb shit like this. You know I'm right and that's why you can't argue with me.

And don't get me started on the crap they use in the meat processing plants. Have you ever been in one of those? I was gonna go last Thursday, but my friend Eric got some primo acid, so instead we went to his apartment and took a few hits and played Halo 2 on his Xbox all night. But my friend James, his dad worked in a meat processing plant, and man, he had some royally screwed up stories, man. Like, for example, before they kill the cows, the companies pay this group of Mexican immigrants called "Los Pantalones Hormigas" like $5.00 to spend a solid week poking the cattle with javelins and making ghost noises all night. This is supposed to scare and infuriate the cows so they produce more hormones and make your precious meat more tender. Way to support human trafficking and animal cruelty you mindless consumer drone.

Don't wake up the cow!

Then, instead of killing the cows, they just slice sections of its stomach off while it's still alive, so they won't lose any tender juice. Then, when the cow is about to pass out from pain, in comes Los Pantalones Hormigas, to make really loud ghost noises and prevent the poor defenseless animal from escaping its agonizing pain. It's all true man, I knew a guy who heard something from somebody else who said something, it's 100% true man. Might as well just take that steak knife and jab it into your eye and then stick a funnel of hot tar up your ass because that's what you're doing to your body, man.

But hey, go ahead and shove another burger down your throat just like all the other braindead sheep. Go drive your SUV to pick up your fat kids from your private school and ignore the fact that there's no more oil left anywhere in the world. Peak oil man, there's no more oil left, it all ran out three days ago! All gone, game over, no more continues, man! Kiss the entire planet goodbye! The only oil left is in a few of those blue barrels at some Jiffy Lubes in Tuscon, and next week the price of oil is gonna jump to $68.37 a gallon.

You're damn right this is a fact, I got an email about it in my Hotmail account, and I was so sure it was 100% true that I forwarded it to the 10 people it asked me to. Then I had good luck for 10 straight days and I totally got those KMFDM concert tickets I asked my mom to buy me. And yes, the concert was awesome, not like you'd know about these kind of underground indie bands I listen to.

Yeah, what do you think of that, you environment-destroying hypocrite? Go drive your SUV out to the woods and run over some innocent squirrels and elk and seals and pandas and... those other things that live in the woods, and just throw a lit match out the window and burn it all down because what do you care? Who gives a crap about the environment, right? Let's toss our McDonalds burger wrappers on the ground and then masturbate into Mother Nature's eye while beating a Native American to death with his own canoe oar! Yeah, that'll be a blast!

What? You drive a SUV because you have five kids, and it gets 26 miles per gallon? Well... WAY TO HAVE A BUNCH OF WASTEFUL CHILDREN YOU FILTHY BREEDER! Haven't you heard of the peak cereal theory? There isn't anymore cereal man, because THERE'S NO ENVIRONMENT LEFT THANKS TO YOU! But hey, I guess everybody can't be environmentally aware like I am. I just get rides with my friend Buck in his '83 El Camino whenever he's going to the store or shit, and sometimes I borrow my mom's station wagon when there's like a System of a Down concert I want to go to or something. But I guess you don't have to protect the environment because your needs come first, right? Go wear your fancy tophat and monocle and talk about The Great Gatsby or something.

YOU MAKE ME SICK, AMERICA!

Oh, what's wrong, is that depressing to you? Sure, go pop a valium pill and feel better about yourself. You and the rest of America can knock yourselves out medicating yourself to death. No really, have fun, a pill is really the answer to all your problems! You make me sick; those pharmaceutical companies really have their hooks inside your gullible brain and are manipulating you like a puppetmaster pulling the strings on a mannequin. There's no reason whatsoever anybody should be taking any medication from big companies, PERIOD. All that crap does is screw up your brain and make you addicted to it. Are you depressed? Go drink some water and exercise you horse's ass. Oh, you have uncontrollable seizures? Go to a gym you twitchy asshole, and use your seizures to lift weights. Wow, you "hear voices" and "think everybody is trying to kill you" and you've been "institutionalized for beating your skull against walls?" Well jam some cotton in your ears and go work on a farm you big whiny baby.

I know more about every medical and psychological condition than any "doctor," so stop paying money for some rich old white guy to write you a prescription for a $40 a month habit. There's not a single thing in the world that prescription drugs can cure or help, it's all in your mind, and if your brain wasn't already so weak from eating your precious meat and drinking your precious gas, then you'd be able to cure yourself. There's no such thing as cancer, it was just invented by Pfizer to peddle their witchdoctor garbage, and if you believe their bullcrap, you're just another braindead zombie padding the corporate pockets of Big Pill. I'd go dig up some more documentation on this to shove in your face like a rancid cheeseburger, but I gotta go to a meeting to rally for marijuana legalization.

What? You're going to stay home and look all this up on the Internet? Well good luck with that buddy because THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE AND IMPLODE UPON ITSELF! Yeah, that's right, there's no way that thing can survive, it's all going down in flames. You don't believe me? Well check this out on your precious Internet: CNET Special Report: Four Horsemen of Net Apocalypse. Yeah man, feast your eyes on that. cyberterrorism, the Millennium Bug, famine, and traffic overload, it's all there man! There's no way you're gonna be able to use your fancy telnet and ftp servers anymore because the entire Internet is going down in flames, man. What? This article was written in 1996? Well... uhh... if things were that bad then, JUST THINK HOW BAD THEY MUST BE NOW! Yeah, I guess you won't be able to read all your important news stories now. Me, I'll be fine, I get all my news from the local "It's Dope" zine, printed entirely on hemp.

No, but seriously, go ahead and live your disgusting, pointless life like that. I don't mean to make you feel bad for destroying your body, our environment, and the future of all human beings on the planet! God forbid I make you feel like the utter shit you are for destroying everything precious to the human race! I don't mean to infer that you're a disgusting, repulsive, morally vacuous pile of crap who looks to big business to make all your decisions. But you are, and you make me sick.

Dirt and Worms

Click here and realize how wonderful life truly is!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.