1. LOTS OF DOGS

    LOTS OF DOGS

    LARGE CUBE OF DOGS. I have over 160 canines stacked and arranged in a very specific way so as to all fit in a single room. Buyer must purchase and move entire collection and room. No exceptions. $3,000,000. 555-4218

  2. MULTITUDES OF DOGS

    MULTITUDES OF DOGS

    DREAM DOG SOUGHT: had dream where dog stood on polygonal plane in front of pyramid surrounded by pillars of neon light and barked strange symbols. Think dog may have had tank treads instead of legs. 555-7802

  3. LEGIONS OF DOGS

    LEGIONS OF DOGS

    D-76 HELLHOUND ANTIAIRCRAFT DOG. Side-mounted missile batteries allow dog to rapidly unleash 12 laser-guided missiles at enemy targets. Built-in radar capable of detecting most aircraft. $750k. 555-1023

  4. PLURALITY OF DOGS

    PLURALITY OF DOGS

    GRAVITATIONALLY STRONG DOG: large dog has 9 smaller dogs locked in constant elliptical orbit. Witness the exotic beauty of the cosmos dance before your eyes. Closest one has decaying orbit, so watch out. $650. 555-2321

  5. HEAPS OF DOGS

    HEAPS OF DOGS

    SWOOP SWOOP! Helicopter dog features real set of rotor blades on rig extending from back. Capable of flight. A slight side effect is that he's also capable of accidental decapitations when he gets excited and comes flying at you. 555-0522

  6. SWARMS OF DOGS

    SWARMS OF DOGS

    FOR SALE: TWO GREYHOUNDS. Dogs are not capable of running anymore after I tried experiment of tethering them to a racehorse in hopes of inventing real life podracing. Horse was too fast and dogs couldn't keep up, but couldn't stop either. Call for price. 555-8230

  7. OODLES OF DOGS

    OODLES OF DOGS

    AFTER 11 PROFOUND YEARS of loving friendship, my dog Gustavo is leaving me. He has insisted I write this ad, as he would like to live with somebody "who listens and truly hears." I don't know why he is doing this to me. Please forgive my crying when you call. 555-2589

  8. HORDES OF DOGS

    HORDES OF DOGS

    DUCK-HERDING DOG is out of control. Every day she herds more and more ducks into my yard, such that I am now trapped inside. Ducks are angry and won't stop quacking. Running out of food. Please take dog, please. 555-2388

  9. GOBS OF DOGS

    GOBS OF DOGS

    FOR SALE: ONE CORNDOG. I'm a simple farmer and this "corndog" was not at all what I expected. You damn city folk have swindled me again. Make an offer, damnit. I ain't got all day. 555-0429

  10. LOTS OF GODS

    LOTS OF GODS

    PANTHEON OF GODS. Have gods of agriculture, swamps and creeks, haberdashery and parties. Selling entire lot together, so don't even try to split 'em up. Pantheon sold separately. Need to make room for One True God. 555-9237

  11. CHILDREN FOR SALE

    CHILDREN FOR SALE

    DEMONIC CHILD has the power to make pets commit suicide. Caused cat to gorge herself to death on own hair, and our beloved dog to bury himself alive. Otherwise very friendly, gets good grades. Great for pet-free home. 555-9528

  12. Exotic Pets For Sale!

    Exotic Pets For Sale!

    SUPERB OWL acquired two days ago due to a misprinted party invitation. Tried one wing with buffalo sauce; meaty but too gamy. 555-4682

  13. LOTS OF STUFF

    LOTS OF STUFF

    FREE SUBMARINE! Kid-sized submarine opens doorway to amazing adventures. Don't tell your kids it's just a barrel with a window on it-- they won't know the difference! Works great in lakes, rivers, oceans, etc. Has hook for tying rope to so you don't lose it. 555-8288

  14. PANTHEONS OF GODS

    PANTHEONS OF GODS

    HORRIBLE JERK GOD won't let me shave my beard. It's gotten so long I'm tripping over the damn thing. I can't even groom or make it more manageable. Will trade my beard-nazi god for one who appreciates a clean shave or maybe even provides free laser-hair removal. 555-2911

  15. ROOMS FOR RENT

    ROOMS FOR RENT

    CARNIVAL FUNHOUSE been nigh on 30 years since the carnival closed. Mirror maze available to tenant with strong constitution. Lots of wasps swarming in there and it's hard to tell which ones are real and which ones are reflections. $1200/month for unit pending thorough credit check. 555-9239

  16. MOUNDS OF DOGS

    MOUNDS OF DOGS

    FOR SALE: DOG PIÑATA. Kleptomaniac dog ate all my candy, then promptly expired. Need to recoup my investment, so please buy him as is, filled with over three pounds of mixed candies. 555-1162

  17. ROOMS FOR RENT II: THE RENTENING

    ROOMS FOR RENT II: THE RENTENING

    LIVE THE HIGH LIFE! Luxurious apartment, plenty of space, amazing in every way except for one tiny flaw: it is a second-story unit and there is no floor. Don't ask, just rent. 555-2983

  18. SCORES OF DOGS

    SCORES OF DOGS

    WHISTLING DOG - carries a tune with perfect pitch and sits there endlessly staring, endlessly whistling "the Farmer in the Dell," endlessly staring, never breaking eye contact, just whistles, just stares, whistles, stares. 555-7255

  19. SCADS OF DOGS

    SCADS OF DOGS

    GENUINE DOG EGGS are yours for the low price of $50 each. Put 'em in your incubator and watch adorable puppies pop out. Not my fault if they look like lizards. 555-8257

  20. THRONGS OF DOGS

    THRONGS OF DOGS

    UNBELIEVABLE DEAL! This rare set of Russian nesting dogs is a sight to behold, delivering hours of joy as you find increasingly smaller dogs inside each other. Call for OUTRAGEOUS quote. 555-1124

  21. PLENTY OF DOGS

    PLENTY OF DOGS

    GONADS GALORE - this pooch is 90% gonads, 10% dog. Not the best ratio for a family with small children who ask a lot of questions. Perfect for you? Let’s talk gonads. 555-9231

  22. REAMS OF DOGS

    REAMS OF DOGS

    URGENT PROCLAMATION: Let it be known I have cut all ties with my former mastiff companion, Arsenio. He has wronged me and will henceforth wander the streets a vagrant. Do not aid or comfort him. He is cast out from the kingdom of man. 555-9123

  23. SLEW OF DOGS

    SLEW OF DOGS

    TRANSPLANT RECIPIENT - this dog is a miracle, having been saved through an experimental transplant. He now has one of those bright red baboon butts and he loves to show it off. 555-9199

  24. BUNCH OF DOGS

    BUNCH OF DOGS

    WHEEZING WHIPPETS What we have is 7 genuine whippet dogs, all dangerously out of breath from me chasing them around the Wal-Mart parking lot with a chainsaw. A mere $50 apiece. 555-1239

  25. ABUNDANCE OF DOGS

    ABUNDANCE OF DOGS

    SUPPRESSIVE DOG is overburdened with body thetans and refuses to cooperate with my attempts to audit him. I have no choice but to disconnect from him and adopt a better dog. 555-1294

  26. HERD OF DOGS

    HERD OF DOGS

    RETIRED BLOODHOUND is docile and intelligent, but still determined to catch the serial murderer who got away. If he picks up the scent, just roll with it. 555-8172

  27. MENAGERIE OF DOGS

    MENAGERIE OF DOGS

    TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466

  28. CASCADES OF DOGS

    CASCADES OF DOGS

    VILE RASPUTIN-LIKE PUG - Gnarly facial hair and long nails that drag across the floor. Ceaseless wet cough. Glass-eyed gaze. Menacing giggle. Ideal for advanced owners only.

  29. PACK OF DOGS

    PACK OF DOGS

    FULLY SPOTTED DOG - My attempts to remove the spots from a Dalmatian completely backfired, and now I have a useless dog that is all spots and nothing else.

  30. AMPLITUDES OF DOGS

    AMPLITUDES OF DOGS

    YOUNG AND USELESS - Meek dog lacks the age and experience necessary for the grim task at hand. Will trade for a dog unshackled from morality, and willing to do what needs to be done. 555-1299

  31. DROVES OF DOGS

    DROVES OF DOGS

    COLORFUL TUBED DOG - Our morbidly obese bulldog Windsor got stuck in one of those colorful obstacle course tubes. It's already grafted to her skin. Tube is about 10 feet long and neon orange. Put food in front end of tube, shake out other end over dumpster. 555-3318

  32. FLOCK OF DOGS

    FLOCK OF DOGS

    RETIRED HAMHOUND – German bred and trained, skilled at tracking lost or stolen hams, cooked, frozen or in between. Has saved many holiday meals and aided police in countless cases. Gentle, friendly, healthy and professional. Comes with many civic awards. 555-9285

  33. TONS OF DOGS

    TONS OF DOGS

    SLED DOG TEAM plucked from the arctic. These experienced and tireless dogs pull me around town in a shopping cart, which is apparently illegal. Trading entire bundle for a gently used van. 555-1924

  34. BEVY of DOGS

    BEVY of DOGS

    BACK FROM THE GRAVE – We've been trying to bury our dog ever since it ate all of grandma's ashes. Now it's back, and barks and growls just like grandma did. Please buy this dog and kill it for good. $250 555-2515

  35. SEA OF DOGS

    SEA OF DOGS

    EXCITING PUP-ORTUNITY – we have puppies galore, all needing homes. They just keep spilling out, with no end in sight. Hundreds to choose from, in all manner of repair. Claim yours! 555-2915

  36. GLUT OF DOGS

    GLUT OF DOGS

    TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851

  37. LOADS OF DOGS

    LOADS OF DOGS

    REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519

  38. AGGREGATION OF DOGS

    AGGREGATION OF DOGS

    DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252

  39. ROOMS FOR RENT III

    ROOMS FOR RENT III

    TREEHOUSE FOR RENT with wonderful, unavoidable views of my bedroom window, where I prance around fully nude. Ideal tenant is beautiful woman attracted to plus-sized men. $250/month. 555-7262

  40. CRUSH OF DOGS

    CRUSH OF DOGS

    FREE HUSKY DOG - Not to be confused with "Siberian Husky." This overweight Corgi is too embarrassing to take out in public. No longer fits in any of the expensive sweaters I purchased for him. Sweaters not included. 555-8092

Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.