State Og: Meet Your Delicious Doom
Often times, a foolish citizen will approach one of us and ask where State Og comes up with its wide assortment of products and services, as though he or she has the right to question us. While we usually beat people like this senseless with really big pillows, then dump their unconcious body into the refried bean tank at the local cannery where they meet their delicious fate, I've decided to clear the air once and for all and allow our faithful readers to know where our ideas come from. Actually, no. The whole pillow thing is really fun, so I don't want to ruin a good thing. Thanks this week go to: Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck (Star Road), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Iggy's Castle), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Donut Ghost House), and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Green Switch Palace).
Discipline: The Other White Meat
In the highly competitive working environment here in the hallowed halls of Og, it's only natural that the occasional rule gets bent, broken or befouled by specially-trained housepets in the headlong pursuit of money and power. To make matters worse, members of the disciplinary board are usually murdered in their first week on the job, which hampers the effectiveness of survivors and makes attracting new board members extremely difficult.
But thanks to a thrilling breakthrough in Og Labs' Cloning Division, exploding, melting, and yodeling clones are now a thing of the past. As it turns out, one of the lab assistants was using the gestation tank for hot tub cocaine orgies with his bowling team. Stable, hard-working clones are now being produced in large numbers to fill jobs that are too dangerous for normal human beings or require basic skills such as reading, writing, arithmetic or continence. But you don't need to know that 2+2=5 to crush someone's head like a rotten grapefruit, so our sturdy, fearless clones are replacing those do-nothing barrelasses on the disciplinary board and will begin dishing out some of the ol' summary first thing monday morning.
At ten o'clock, the following people will be brutally executed for crimes against the company:
- Richard Herffletter: Triple Decker Treason with a side of Espionage
- Jared "Milky" Duquesnes: Fondling the Idol of Kharad-Djial in the fifth floor men's room during non-fondling hours
- Peter Olepotte: Wouldn't stop wearing that ugly fucking tie.
- Ernie "the Toaster" Ciccaroni: Allowing naked bowlers to frolic in a restricted area
- Jane Tailfiero: Failed us for the last time
- Joseph "Joey Weiner" Wilnar: Attempted to subvert company authority with humorous e-mail forwards
The following people were almost marked for termination but were spared because of their long, faithful service to the company and because they look appealing in tight swimwear. Instead, they will be beaten and tortured for the amusement of their coworkers at 2:00 in the Humiliatorium.
- Bobby "Pseudonym" Babalurian: Keeps eating the guy in the cubicle next to him
- Steven "Skippy" Lagrange: Pretending to be the Idol of Kharad-Djial in the fifth floor men's room
- Arnold Shadtpillow: Poisoning the salad bar without prior written approval
- Edward "Eddie Three-Hump" Twohump: A model employee, but we just don't like him
The following people will neither be executed nor tortured, but will instead be the subjects of saucy limericks published in this week's company newsletter:
- Donald Beeman (loves to drink semen)
- Dorthy Saint (with her gigantic taint)
- Derek Tajina (owns a rubber vagina)
- Jebediah Van Docke (has no matching socks)
If your name is on that list, be sure to treat the clone assigned to murder or torture you with kindness and respect. And don't try to call in sick to get out of being murdered, because that ain't going to work two years in a row.
Mud People... You Know, For Kids!
In this lawless world it's long past time that somebody stood up for what they believed in. State Og is willing to make that stand, literally if our latest hydraulic contraption manages to lift the Og complex from its foundations this time. Upon waking from our collective mescaline-induced comas we decided that we believe in one oft-neglected cause today: playground security. Yes, from the breathtaking jungle gym of Bakowski Elementary to the swingin' swings of Kent Vocational, our great nation's play areas lie undefended, open to attack from terrorists, striking baseball players, or even cooties!
We made a solemn promise to no longer let recess continue in such insecure conditions, so we have dispatched our personal army of raging mud people to guard YOUR children! Composed entirely of sentient, stinky mud, these are the perfect solders, living only to suffocate shady individuals and occasionally pull smaller people screaming into the bushes never to be seen again. Silently they stand, ever vigilant, watching for pigtail-tugging, shifty hopscotch behavior and tag-backs. What they do if they catch you peeing in the sandbox frightened even us!
Once the people of the world get past our mud people's eerie mute demeanor and spectacular breasts we think they will love these guardians of playtime fun. In fact, we're banking on it, as their creator Dr. Maria Sklodowska-Curie says that in the absence of genuine affection they snap and go on a messy rampage which no hose will clean. However we don't feel that will be a problem, since mud people are so damn lovable and well endowed!
The State Og Zoo
We here at State Og hope you have your calendars open because it won't be long until the official opening day of the State Og Zoo. We know that you are disappointed because you stood in line for over 36 hours last year and bought either a single ticket for $100 or the 4 person, family happy discount package for $200 and the deed to your house. Unfortunately, due to weather and our lack of interest in finishing the zoo, we did not open that year. Don't worry. All of the animals that you would have seen last year are still there, and in the exact same state that they were in if you would have seen them this time last year. We have not fed, bathed, or sheltered them in any way; just so that you would not feel cheated. We have also added some additions to our zoo to make up for the year wait that you had to endure.
The former aviary was way too tall, and full of flowers and trees. The birds would either fly to the top and be hardly visible, or simply hide behind a fiendishly placed plant and curse at you with their mocking chirps. The new aviary is only 2 feet high and has no plants at all. The floor is covered in hot coals. The birds can no longer hide, soar away, or land. Let's see those wily birds escape your deserving eyes now.
Elephant trunks have long been seen as phallic. We have corrected this by slicing the trunks up the middle. Test groups that once saw enormous dongs growing out of the elephants face now see two curly pigtails.
The amazing suspended panda bear exhibit. (No explanation necessary)
Volcanic Monkey Island. Lava is the monkey's natural enemy. There is no place better than Volcanic Monkey Island to witness monkeys in their natural state as they battle for their lives and honor against the oppressive force of the volcano.
Crocodiles aren't very tall. Children could not see the crocodiles over the fences unless they had the ability to climb to the top of the fence to look down upon the crocodiles. This has been fixed as we are now using only moats to enclose the crocodiles.
So bring the deed to your new house and come on down to the State Og Zoo, and make your kids smile!
Hijynx... IN SPACE!
Back in the 60’s, some guy who had earlier commanded a PT Boat during World War II and later became the president of a great nation thought it would be swell if the people in his country would work together and support his optimistic dream of putting a man on the moon. His name has been lost to the ravages of time, but most historians are fairly confident that it was either Aquaman or that small robot that later got a role on the smash TV hit "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century". Either way we can all without a doubt agree he was a great man with an even greater vision. Either that or a robot who, when standing upright, had a face that was conveniently built to be at crotch-level.
Man has since traveled to the moon, but after a few trips soon realized that a moon without State Og products is a moon not worth staying on or returning to. Though we did our best to have a few products and department stores ready and waiting for the first brave astronauts when they landed, we were unfortunately unable the solve the logistical problem of transporting enough oxygen to the moon in time, which was essential since most of the items in our product line during the sixties were fire-oriented, or contained cobras. But now things are different and once again space agencies around the world, from China to Atlantis, are starting to talk about missions to the moon. This time things will be different and this time State Og will be there on the Moon with stores ready and waiting, and our products will feature less fire and more spring-loaded razor blades, more hyper-corrosive acid, more not-quite-hyper-but-still-shockingly-corrosive acid, and extremely hyper cobras doped up on acid that can hold their breath for a very long time!
Regardless of the effort we put into building bases and stores on the Moon, we realize that the moon is such a large place that it is unlikely any country’s lunar lander will land anywhere near our colonies. That’s why we will soon have teams of androids roaming the Moon’s surface and plotting the trajectories of incoming spacecraft, so they can arrive at the landing site before any astronauts do. Once in position our perfectly human-like androids will patiently wait to dish out hospitality and entertain the travelers as soon as they arrive, using the cornerstone of all humor: the practical joke. Here’s just a few more mild examples of what zaniness those who journey across the void of space can expect.
Ich bin ein Berliner. Bee-Dee-Bee-Dee-Bee-Dee! The androids, disguised as normal humans in street clothes, set up holographic projectors that make the surface of moon appear to be the surface of the earth. They try to convince astronauts that they somehow accidentally landed on earth and no longer need to keep their helmets on.
After the astronauts land, the androids use their hologram projectors to make the earth appear to explode. As the astronauts sadly weep, the androids fill their lunar module with cobras.
When no one is looking, the androids put sugar in the space craft's fuel tank.
When no one is looking, the androids urinate in the astronauts' Tang.
Since androids can't really produce urine, except by squeezing a human really hard in the right place, they use acid from their own batteries to befoul the Tang.
Needless to say this is only a small taste of what's to come. With open arms, posed robotic pincers and gaping serpent jaws, State Og welcomes the Earth's spacemen of the future to the Moon!- State Og Representative
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!