Have a Safe and... eh, Fuck It, Just Have a State Og Christmas
The Christmas season is here and what better way is there to celebrate than with a debilitating neck or torso injury? A special thanks goes out to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Hell's Kitchen, Hell), Matt "Krang" Eckert (Phantom Phalls, Utah), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Dead Isle, Ontario), Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Salem, Witchville), and Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Some Old Lady's House).
State Og's commitment to a cleaner planet doesn't take a holiday (except on Toxic Sludge Day, but that's in June). That's why we're offering a brand new tree disposal system just in time for the season: the Tree Destroyo 3000 Yuletide Angel! The TD3kYA sits atop your tree, serving as a lovely festive decoration. When it's time for cleanup, cleverly hidden whirring blades in the angel's skirt activate, shredding the tree, wrapping, ornaments, presents and possibly house pets into easy to manage chips. It then packs those chips into boxes and wraps them up gaily. Then it causes the boxes to explode in a horrific inferno. No fuss, no muss!
A modified and more dapper version of our Angel of Death line, the TD3kYA is guaranteed reliable and efficient; it will not rest until all before it is no more! Sounds great, doesn't it? But wait, there's more!
Order a Tree Destroyo 3000 Yuletide Angel today and receive free of charge a can of State Og Flocking! You'll never need to worry about an attacker while spraying artificial snow on your tree, because our flocking is also a powerful mace! Nothing will bring security to your holiday season like the threat of debilitating agony!*
* Note: if State Og Flocking should inadvertently enter your friends' or loved ones' eyes wash out immediately with gasoline or the smallpox virus.
Unfortunate Christmas Time Mix-Up
We here at State Og like to keep our employees on their toes at all times, and especially during the holidays! That’s why we sent out twenty-five colorful, gift wrapped boxes containing timed explosive devices to some of our hard workers. State Og initially thought these Christmas gifts went out to the State Og Bomb Squad* so that they could use high-quality explosives training to deactivate the bomb when the box was opened and the countdown triggered. However, it seems we have made a slight error; on Thursday, State Og Explosives were sent to the general public instead of trained professionals.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused those unlucky twenty-five citizens, but State Og encourages the surviving three to view this as a useful military experience! To ensure no hard feelings, we sent out State Og Christmas Chocolates to the survivors, Earl Edmunds, Lucy Bridges, and John Indigo. In the same vein, we also sent out more gift wrapped explosives to the State Og Bomb Squad to get things squared away. State Og would like to thank both the surviving citizens and the bomb squad for their patience and cooperation and wish you all a happy Christmas!
*State Og Bomb Squad may or may not actually exist.
Attention All State Og Employees!
Many of you are trying to weasel out of attending our mandatory Christmas Eve party. The most common excuse is from parents claiming that it’s too hard to find a babysitter who’ll work on Christmas Eve. Don’t try to deceive us with these lame excuses, and most of all don’t be a spoilsport; bring your kids along with you! Don’t worry, even we in the upper-echelons of State Og management don’t want to expose children to the debauchery typically seen during State Og holiday celebrations, so we’ll have special activities prepared to keep your precious offspring busy while you get inebriated and do things you’ll later be blackmailed for.
As you enjoy the main party, your kids will be entertained by an old hobo alcoholic who, due to a forced regiment of drugs and brainwashing, believes he really is Santa Claus. Don’t let the smell of cheap booze or the electronic components bolted to his head scare you - he’s been behaviorally conditioned to show maximum Yuletide sprit and jolliness, not depraved aggression like last year’s “Hobo Claus.”
This year’s Hobo Claus will read to the children State Og’s contemporized version of the Charles Dickens classic "A Christmas Carol." Our new version is titled "A Christmas Goth-Industrial Song Carol." This touching story is about a kind and generous philanthropist named cEvin Scrooge. After the spirits of three young malnourished dogs visit him and pester the businessman with strange cryptic phrases, Scrooge comes to realize that being rich and powerful makes him better than everyone who’s not. He decides to stop giving money to charity and instead spends it on his true calling in life: expressing his anguish and contempt through his own brand of spooky, harsh-sounding, awful techno music. In the end, Scrooge questions whether spending his fortune so selfishly was the right decision, but resolves his dilemma by getting his friends in the government to place a new tax on baby food to fully subsidize his artistic endeavors. Surely you don't want the fruit of your loins to miss out on such a whimsical and morale fiber building story!
State Og realizes that a number of our non-Christian employees (technically this is everyone, due to our mass conversion to the Cult of Thuggee, all praise Kali!) might feel uncomfortable sending their children to a Christmas party, so we have an alternative for these party-poopers. Our master surgeon, Dr. Klaus Braun, recently harvested the body parts of a dozen dead people (and several species of crocodile) from around the world, which he expertly sewed together. Harnessing the power of lightning and that gel State Og brand Spam is packed in, Dr Braun animated this abomination. In doing so, he brought to life everyone’s new friend, "The Secular Multi-Ethnic Holiday Monster." The grotesqueness of his body is matched only by the perversity of his twisted brain and his appetite for human bone marrow. We call him "Chuckles" for short. You have the option of letting him play with your children all night long if you don’t find Hobo Claus to your liking.
At the end of the night’s festivities, all the children will be brought together with their new friends, Hobo Claus and Chuckles. All will join hands and sing the State Og Junior Members’ Indoctrination Song over and over again until you come pick them up. Since we haven’t feed Chuckles for about three days, give or take a month, and Hobo Claus somehow got the strange idea into his head that fine Kentucky bourbon, not blood, flows through the veins of small children, we recommend you don’t fuck around.
Scholarships for Scholarly Scholars
The holiday season is upon us, and high school students have already begun their winter vacations. Even as they have unprecedented amounts of free time to masturbate, it's very likely that a part of their mind will be worrying about college and how often they'll be able to masturbate in a dorm setting. To ensure a bright future for our youth, we have established the State Og Scholarship Fund. Well, it would be established already, but our financial team sort of fled the country with the autonomous hooker-shaped slabs of margarine which escaped from the Fuckable Foods lab last week. As soon as they're hunted down and crazy glued back to their desks, everything will be back on track.
In order to ensure cultural diversity and promote anti-segregationalist thinking, we narrowly focused on one small minority and are treating them differently from others by giving only them scholarships. In order to get our target minority into colleges, we ask that applicants follow certain guidelines. Applicants must:
Have no higher than a 2.0 GPA, and repeatedly perform horribly on daily assignments.
Have a clinically diagnosed condition in which they feel inferior to others and can act out only with extreme violence.
Go through a series of brainwashing sessions in which they learn to break the neck of anyone who says "PETA", "I'm vegan", or "let's go protest at Starbucks."
Be prone to sudden incomprehensible outbursts of 70's glam rock lyrics.
Forget to bathe and wear clothing, and become agitated when confronted about this, or when somebody glances in their general direction.
Wear a very tiny wig over their perfectly healthy hair.
Be able to climb atop the nearest skyscraper when in danger, and swat down those pesky biplanes with ease.
Students who meet the above criteria and have surgically implanted shoulder-mounted rocket launchers will automatically be approved. Good luck, future leaders of our world!
Santa In Your City
Just like every year, State Og will be setting up Santa stands in many neighborhoods around the world. Unfortunately, we have lost our lease for space inside of every shopping mall that we had occupied last year due to some accidents involving mutilated fish. We have had to relocate Santa this year just because of the actions of heartless mall managers around the world. Here is a partial list of locations where you can find Santa this year.
In the Chicago area you can find Santa behind "Lamont's Porn Arena."
For all those folks living in the Southwestern US, Santa will be setting up shop directly on US / Mexico border. This way he can easily slip across the national border should law enforcement from either country come to arrest him for being too generous?
Throughout Australia, Santa can be found on a yacht just outside international waters.
In Germany, Santa will be building a huge "Wall of Happiness" right in the middle of Berlin. It will be a marvel unlike anything that anybody, in that area, has seen before.
Every child that visits Santa will get to have their picture taken next to all 8 eight of Santa's freeze dried reindeer and get a copy of State Og's new children's book, "The Reaper Will Come For You." And remember kids: if you want Santa to bring you what you want, he only accepts cash or H.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!