Look out, world. Also, hello world. I have single-handedly created the opening minutes of a AAA video game. Imagine what I could accomplish with just a few million dollars.
Dead Rising 3
The weird mechanics that made the first few games unique (challenging and often frustrating, but packed with meaningful decisions and consequences) have been smoothed out, leaving a blandly accessible zombie video game with a drab visual style that undercuts its humor, which is mostly just rehashed and made more extreme with extra dildos, stereotypes, or gore. 5/10
Ryse: Son Of Rome
The best thing anyone can say about Ryse is it looks pretty nice and the completely uninspired, repetitive combat does require occasional player input. 2/10
Forza Motorsport 5
If you'd like to access the full version of this review, you can buy each individual word for only $5 or purchase a season pass for $50, which doesn't unlock the full review but still offers a tremendous savings over the six $10 phrase packs which you can buy now. 6/10
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
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