Tired of people revealing major plot points from hotly anticipated games mere hours after they've been released, forcing you to abstain from video game websites and forums until you've played through them yourself? We're here to fix all that by spoiling those games weeks and sometimes months before they actually come out. How are we able to do this? By harnessing the power of the atom, and also guessing. Mostly guessing.

This week's spoiled game: Halo 3

  • Continuing a transformation that began in the transition between Halo and Halo 2, Cortana will become increasingly sexy in every cutscene of Halo 3. By the game's end, she will be reduced to a hologram of a vagina that moans in ecstasy during your mission briefings.
  • Master Chief will encounter new alien enemies that didn't appear in the last two games. Where have they been? While everyone else was getting around in spaceships they were stuck riding the bus.
  • One third of the way into the game, the narrative will shift. At this point you will play as an anamorphic warthog jeep voiced by Tommy Davidson. Prepare to ROTCL (roll off the couch laughing) as the jeep randomly breaks out a Sammy Davis Jr. impersonation or says something that barely resemble a joke then crosses his headlight eyes and sticks out his tongue.
  • As he removes his helmet to scratch his nose, Master Chief's face is finally revealed. It is at this moment that we discover he is actually Samus Aran.
  • In the final cutscene, Master Chief dives off of an exploding Halo ring onto a passing comet, then steers that comet into the sun. By tucking his head in just right, he passes entirely through the sun and barrels into a second Halo, which is immediately destroyed thanks to the magic sun particles he collected. Suddenly a bomb's countdown clock is shown with only five seconds left. After each tick we see Master Chief doing something spectacular as he hurtles through space: Punching a space dinosaur that's in his way, grinding on a planet's ring to pick up speed, blowing the head off of his comet which turned out to be an alien, and finally destroying a peaceful civilization a billion light years away with his mind just because he can. When the countdown ends, the entire universe explodes in a massive fireball, but Master Chief leaps just out of the blast's radius in slow motion.
  • A final scene begins to play after the credits have rolled. The camera pulls back from the obliterated universe, revealing a gigantic Halo ring that had been surrounding all of existence the whole time. The words "To be continued..." appear in an ominous glowing blue font.

Game: Final Fantasy
Submitted by: Nibble

Wii Sports
Five engaging sports games that will put 90% of us through the most physical activity we'll face all day outside of the bathroom. 8/10

GT Pro Series
A racing game that challenges Gran Turismo, the original Playstation 1 version, and loses. 3/10

Excite Truck
"Keep on truckin' three hundred feet into the air as flames from a nitro boost shoot out behind your vehicle and you attempt to crash directly into a crowd of your competitors", the catchphrase that just wouldn't fit on a bumper sticker. 8/10

Red Steel
The adventures of Rubber Arm The Awkward Asshole versus the army of men with no blood. 6/10

Trauma Center: Second Opinion
Your bloodwork revealed unusually high levels of fun, you have six months to live. 8/10

Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz
I like the game just fine, but I can't shake the feeling that we've set monkey-clear plastic ball relations back fifty years. 8/10

The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess
And thus, a horrible new breed of fanfiction featuring wolf-Link is born. 9/10

Tony Hawk's Downhill Jam
It's a racer, it's a trick competition, it's... lunch time, just send what we've got out for final duplication. 5/10

Rayman Raving Rabbids
Suddenly that decision to spend my life savings covering my house with neon signs that read "No rabbits please" doesn't seem so crazy after all, does it? 8/10

Resistance: Fall Of Man
You can count on Insomniac Games putting out a great shooter just as much as you can count on not getting a PS3. 9/10

Call Of Duty 3
Idea for Call Of Duty 4: experience the war from the perspective of a Russian soldier who lost his keys and spent the entirety of the war trapped in his own house. 7/10

Mobile Suit Gundam: Crossfire
Less of a mech action game, more of a boredom simulator. 2/10

NBA 07
That new basketball design must have fucked up the NBA a lot worse than I thought. 3/10

Untold Legends: Dark Kingdom
I think these guys are really onto something with the option to play as a warrior, scout, or wizard and that whole "battle against the generic forces of evil by mashing the same button for ten hours" angle. 4/10

Ridge Racer 7
NOOOOOT BAAAAAD! 8/10

Sonic The Hedgehog
The sheer joy of running at incredible speeds through otherworldly landscapes is nowhere near as cool as standing around a dopey "realistic" town and talking to people, struggling to see what's going on thanks to a horrible camera angle, playing as extra characters you don't care about, and being force fed a pointless melodramatic story. 3/10

Superman Returns
Superman is blessed with the ability to fly past enemies he's trying to blasts, spaz out in hand-to-hand combat while on the ground, and employ Budget-Vision which makes the world around him look slightly disappointing. 3/10

Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas
This returns the series to its glory after the travesty that was R6:Lockdown, but think twice before spending your money on the Rainbow Six Miami and Rainbow Six New York expansion packs. 9/10

Viva Pinata
The most fun you can have with pinatas and a garden aside from Jerry's Plant-A-Pinata in El Paso, Texas. 8/10

Dead Or Alive Extreme 2
On the one hand there's essentially nothing more to do than ogle 3D models of women with breasts that adhere to their own special laws of physics, on the other hand I'm creepy enough to think that's sort of fun. 7/10

WWE Smackdown! Vs. Raw 2007
Infinitely more tolerable than the current lineup of WWE shows, though the same can be said for repeatedly slamming a hardcover copy of the Short Circuit 2 novel adaptation into the bridge of your nose. 8/10

ArchLord
I'm pretty sure that this is why cyanide capsules were invented. 1/10

The Secret Files: Tunguska
Pick up the hairspray, use the glue to attach it to the broom, give this to the sleeping bum who will give you a magnet to pick up a paperclip which will unlock a door to twelve years ago, when gaming moved past nonsensical adventure game puzzles. 4/10

Medieval 2: Total War
They say we only hurt that which we love most, so I suppose I love thousands of smelly men with funny accents. 9/10

Warhammer: Mark Of Chaos
It's sort of like Total War, but instead of depth and fun you get the ability to paint your armies. 6/10

Stronghold Legends
An ugly, buggy, unfun RTS game that abandons everything that made the Stronghold series tolerable... what's not to love? 3/10

Star Trek: Encounters
Engines are down, diverting all power to shit generators! 3/10

SOCOM U.S. Navy Seals: Combined Assault
When you shoot so many people that you need to make up a whole new country to riddle with bullets, you might have unresolved anger issues. 8/10

Dave Mirra BMX Challenge
Dave Mirra personally challenges you to play this travesty without crying, and he double dog dares you to buy twelve copies. 2/10

Gunpey
Now that we've had puzzle games centered around blocks, marbles, jewels, pills and finally plain old lines, there's pretty much nowhere left to go but pocket lint and atoms. 7/10

Yoshi's Island DS
For years I've been telling people that mixing ravenous dinosaurs with babies is always a good idea. 9/10

Children Of Mana
The only part of this game that isn't fun is the dungeon crawling, so thankfully only 100% of the game is spent dungeon crawling. 2/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell

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