Screw video games. Who wants to spend $60 on a bunch of stupid 0s and 1s? That stuff's not even real! Peripherals are where it's at. You're much better off plunking down $80 for a physical object that will work with maybe one or two games, disappoint you, then take up space in your house until you finally hang around outside an elementary school and slip it into the backpack of some random clueless kid.
Unfortunately, if you're in the market for a goofy peripheral there aren't a lot to be found. Let's solve that problem. I have a few terrible ideas for peripherals. That's not bravado, these ideas are truly miserable. Kickstarter is a website where the equally terrible OUYA made like a trillion dollars, an obvious half-baked project and the worst idea since Arthur Gies' tattoo interview in the Polygon documentary. Why don't I take every peripheral concept I have and create a different Kickstarter page for each one, maximizing the amount of guaranteed free money?
I will probably forget to follow through with any of this, but at the very least let me share my Kickstarter peripheral ideas with you today.
It's a pizza that you can eat, but it also has microchips inside of it. These razor sharp readouts send data directly to your video game. For instance, now Torchlight II will know that you enjoyed your pizza. Or maybe you're playing Sleeping Dogs, and you did not enjoy your pizza. Now that game can know the extent to which you did not enjoy that pizza, with a margin of error of only 45%.
The best part of Pizza 3000 is that it almost tastes like pizza and can be concealed under pretty much any hat when folded.
The worst part of Pizza 3000 is that it has a soul and does not want to be eaten.
Tired of conventional controls? Want to play PC games with precision, excitement, and the simulated touch of a human being? Get rid of your mouse and keyboard. Replace them with Gamer Armz, a pair of silicone forearms that protrude toward you from either side of your monitor. They're stunningly lifelike, with fully articulated hands and fingers, pores, and forearm hair cultivated from the cleanest bathroom sinks in my local airport.
How does it work? Just reach out and clasp both Gamer Armz, and you're good to go! Gyroscopes and wires understand all of your inputs through some sort of programming magic. Haptic motors built into the device gently crush your fingers when your palms begin to sweat too much.
Of course, this will be great for general web surfing as well as games, but I predict a new wave of software that would spring up around Gamer Armz. Imagine a video game where you hold hands, or dance with somebody while holding their hands, or drive a tank by holding someone's hands, or get into a seven-hour long fight where you and your opponent roll around on the edge of a rooftop, holding each other's hands. Productivity software would also be amazing, with the concept of virtual handshakes going from a futuristic William Gibson fantasy to a very real reality that could change the world.
A perfect duplicate of your Xbox 360, Playstation 3, or Nintendo Wii, only 33% bigger and completely non-functional. Put it next to your console and marvel at the fact that it is slightly larger. Put it on the other side of your console and be amazed that your console is slightly smaller. Use it as a point of reference when discussing the size of something, like your console.
Guild Wars 2
I'm a sucker for exploration, and this is the first MMO to truly encourage that type of gameplay in so many ways. 8/10
Rock Band Blitz
A surprisingly creative rhythm game which I intend to support with my Gamer Armz peripheral. 7/10
Madden NFL 13
Now with a remarkable physics engine that... pretty much does nothing but create awkward glitches during replays. 6/10
Transformers: Fall Of Cybertron
Cybertron fell down and went to sleep, and we should take this opportunity to tiptoe out of the room. 5/10
Overwatch is Blizzard's hugely successful new shooter with ten thousand characters and a hundred thousand skill icons. We'll show you what the buttons mean.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
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