THE MAGNET NIGHTMARE
By Gorton Fifenstick
Art By Shmorrison Kay
Itwas the tenth year of the great and harrowing war that threatened to see the whole world swallowed up by the yellow tide of Nippon. With their Asiatic allies, the Nipponese had embarked on a brutal conquest of the planet and only the United States and Moon of America and its frail ally Canada still stood before the onslaught. 1977 A.D. found the last Sky Armies of the Occidentals fighting against the unstoppable hordes of the Nipponese over the CentroAmerica region. The night skies flashed with electro bolts and boiled with the staccato hiss of radio beamers. If the United States and Moon could not turn back this assault then it would be the end of the Caucasian race.
Sky Pilot Douglas Arrow of the United States Scout Rocket 19th Squadron was on patrol over the Mexicano territory. He was flying at an altitude of 90 miles at speeds approaching almost 155 miles an hour in his Scout Rocket. He wore the blue metal flight suit of the Occidentals, allowing him to operate in the high pressure of the upper atmosphere where cosmic waves might blind him.
He checked the settings of his deadly radio beamers and then turned his Scout Rocket into a steep dive with at twist of one of the maneuver dials. He looked down one last time at his lucky ring, given to him by the favored womanoid that he planned to make his wife. He kissed it as if he were kissing her and it tasted like Moon gems. Below him was the huge and ferocious shape of a Nipponese war zeppelin, large as a gigantic armored cigar and laden with horroronium gas bombs that would be dropped on the cities of the Caucasians in Texas and New Mexico.
The war zeppelin of the Nipponese nearly filled the porthole with its immense white bulk. Sky Pilot Douglas Arrow turned a dial in the cockpit of his bullet-shaped Scout Rocket and veered out of the path of a trail of glittering rock-shot. Stray stones clattered against the Scout Rocket's tapered wing and he narrowly avoided the cruel hiss of a radio beamer firing at him. He turned the control dials with practiced ease and looped his tiny Scout Rocket around the titanic bulk of the Nipponese battleship of the sky in a smoking corkscrew. His astonishing maneuvers confounded the Asiatic gunners and their inferior eyesight gave them no chance to spot the sleek red, white and blue Scout Rocket.
Douglas Arrow dialed in the red sunburst symbol on the top of the zeppelin on the black image screen of his radio beamers. He pulled the activation levers and his hand hovered over the firing crank.
"A few more seconds," he said to himself through clenched teeth as he watched the hateful burning embers of rock-shot flung up at his craft.
The Scout Rocket shook from impacts and its radio oscillating rocket motor coughed out black smoke.
"Just a second more," the zeppelin blotted out the ground beneath him.
The glowing orange dot on the image screen was almost dead-center over the grid.
Just as an Asiatic radio beamer fired at the Scout Rocket, Douglas Arrow turned the firing crank with all his might. The crackle of static was deafening, but the twin radio beamers cut through the armored skin of the zeppelin as though they were hot knives and it was hot butter. Douglass Arrow turned the maneuver dial and swung away from the enemy radio beamer as the Zeppelin began to explode beneath him.
Feeling triumphant, Douglas Arrow switched over to the Nipponese speaking radio frequency and swallowed a reason tablet infused with calcium and the mineralized form of the primordial language spoken by the Nipponese. He smiled with satisfaction as he heard their terrified cries for help and stupefying prayers to their false gods.
"Long live the United States and Moon of America!" Douglas shouted over the radio and herd wails of consternation in reply.
"Not so fast, Caucasian," a new and calm voice broke in on the frequency. "I rikee to intloduce you to my ladio beamels."
Radio beamers hissed past the Scout Rocket's wing and Douglas Arrow saw through the rear porthole that an Asiatic Attack Rocket had come up behind him. He turned the maneuver dials, but it was too late. The radio beamers sliced through his ship and agitated his molecules until he was blasted to pieces. The last thing he saw before he died was the red dragon head symbol of the Nipponese attack ace Shiho on the wings of the Nipponese Attack Rocket as it zoomed past over his exploding corpse. The best pilot of the United States and Moon of America had fought his last…
Dayslater, at a laboratory in one of the dirigible-supported spires of Upper Chicago, Professor Joshua Inspiration was experimenting with the repellant forces of like-magnetized objects. He leaned over his experiment table while his Negroid assistant puttered about in his petticoat and bowtie straightening up books and switching off electric candles the Professor had absently left burning. Though the Negroids and Irishians had betrayed the Occidentals to the Asiatics out of cowardice, Professor Inspiration liked to keep his own Negroid servant, Hepsabah Jones, close at hand. Negroids were completely banned under law, but the Science College tolerated the Professor's eccentricity as long as it was accompanied in equal measure by genius. Which it was.
With a clatter of spilled dishes of science cultures and a frightful yawp Hepsabah Jones leapt up onto one of the science tables.
"Aw naw," he said, pointing fearfully, "that there one o' them plates dun moved, boss!"
With an angry curse Professor Joshua Inspiration cast aside his magnetoteaser and radio scalpel and looked up at his frightened manservant.
"Hepsabah!" He cried, "come down from there. Go get my daughter and tell her to finish straightening up for you!"
Hespabah nodded and jumped down, straightening his bowtie and bowing in the exaggerated fashion of the dark-skinned peoples. He waves his gloved hands and tapped his feet so that Professor Inspiration would know he was leaving. The Negroids being a musical people built for amusement and base athleticism did not equip poor Hepsabah well for the environs of the laboratory.
Shortly, Professor Inspiration's daughter entered the laboratory. She had blonde hair the color of buttered gold and ruby lips that sparkled moistly. Her generous bosom and hips were verily poured into her womanoid lab frock which clung to her forbidden regions in bejeweled spatters of white silk, whereas the remainder of the frock was sheer, providing an ample view of her curvaceous physique from the proper angles, the geometry of which Hepsabah was attempting to determine from the shadows. He suppressed a simian hoot as he spied the cleft of her backside, momentarily visible over the hyperdiamonds and silk fabric.
"You needed my assistance, Father?" Professor Inspiration's daughter interjected when her father did not immediately acknowledge her arrival.
"Oh, yes, womanoid," he addressed her in a casual and friendly fashion, "perhaps you could finish straightening up.
Professor Inspiration's daughter set about the task with a smile and a nod, a task which caused her to strain and bend over repeatedly. This attracted the attention of Hepsabah and he peeked and peered over counters and desks to catch a generous eyeful of her womanly physique.
"What are you working on, father?" Professor Inspiration's daughter asked.
"Ah," he replied, pulling his glasses from his face, "I am examining the behavior of two like-magnetized objects. I think that perhaps these two opposing forces can create some form of propulsion superior to the radio oscillating rockets our Scout Forces currently use."
Professor Inspiration and one of his Caucasian assistants are scorched to nothing by the explosion! Professor Inspiration's daughter smiled. A cosmopen fell from the stack of books she was carrying. As she bent over to retrieve the cosmopen her backside stretched the jeweled fabric of her frock and nearly became entirely visible. At such a lustful sight Hepsabah could no longer control his animal urges and he leapt with a cry from behind the nearby table. In so doing he knocked a swivel-mounted radio cutter and caused it to activate. An invisible beam of sonic waves slashed through the air and struck the two slowly rotating like-aligned magnets.
There was a terrible boom as the powerful radio waves collided and interacted with the magneto-field. The magneto-field served as a prismatic lens for the radio beam, amplifying and scattering the wave shapes in every direction. The resulting blast destroyed the entire Science College, tearing it free from its dirigible mooring and sending it crashing to the streets below. Poor Hepsabah and Professor Inspiration were killed instantly, but Professor Inspiration's daughter miraculously survived.
Professor Inspiration's daughter struggled to keep her torn frock from falling and revealing her bosom. She realized that she had made the discovery of a powerful weapon of which her father had not even conceived. She had to notify the Strategy Council at once!
DouglasArrow awoke with a "blorp" and realized that he was surrounded by warm goop. There was a clank as a hatch opened over him and strong hands pulled him out of the sludge. He was naked but for a loincloth and his chiseled features glistened with some mysterious slime. His nipples were hard enough to cut Moon diamonds.
"W-where am I?" He asked.
"Sky Pilot Arrow," said a man with gray hair in a Sky Admiral's uniform. "We recovered a tiny sliver of your flesh from the inside of a silver ring and we were able to regenerate your body using the healing powers of radioactive Uranium liquid. Are you okay?"
"I feel alright," Sky Pilot Douglas Arrow said as he stood up. "Where is my ring?"
The Sky Admiral exchanged looks with a pair of men in Sky Medic uniforms.
"I'm sorry," the Sky Admiral said at last, "we had to destroy it to save you. And the womanoid that gave it to you…she could not deal with the loss and she flung herself from the Moon Tower."
"Noo!" Douglas Arrow shouted with great tumult.
"We have a very dangerous mission for you," the Sky Admiral explained. "You are our best pilot and the Asiatics are approaching. Their great war fleet has already crossed the borders into the last bastions of the United States and Moon. We have to stop them now or all is lost and the Caucasian race is doomed."
"What can I do?" Douglas Arrow asked.
"A womanoid, the daughter of Professor Inspiration, has discovered a powerful bomb using magnets and radio waves. We have only had enough time to construct one single bomb and we have not had time to test its power, but we believe it will be enough to destroy the entire Asiatic Sky Army."
"I'll do it," Douglas Arrow said resolutely. "My only request is that I first get to meet this womanoid that discovered the bomb."
"Of course," replied the Sky Admiral, "she is waiting in your quarters to pleasure you before you take off."
Douglas Arrow and Professor Inspiration's daughter don the Eros Devices for their union. "Ihear you invented this magneto-bomb," Douglas Arrow said as his lips ravished Professor Inspiration's daughter.
"Yes," she replied breathlessly, her warm arms around him, "it is very unstable though. I do not know if you will be able to survive dropping the bomb."
Douglas Arrow smiled and put his hand on her bosom.
"If that is to be then give me one last good memory to remember before I go," he shoved his tongue into her womanoid mouth.
"Yesssss," she gasped and they ascended the glowing staircase of infinite pleasure.
Aheadin the upper cosmosphere Douglas Arrow could see the battle with the Asiatics raging. Flashes of light and thundering explosions signaled the fury of the furious battle and another crumpled wreck of a Sky Rocket plummeted past him. The Occidentals were almost beaten and the battle raged within sight of the cities of the United States and Moon.
Douglas Arrow's Sky Rocket reacted sluggishly with the immense weight of the spinning magnet beneath his craft. He twisted a dial and put full power to the rocket motor and was slammed back into his seat as he accelerated to nearly 100 miles an hour.
The numerous Nipponese zeppelins and Attack Ships swirled around the outnumbered Occidental Sky Army. A few United States and Moon zeppelins, battered and smoking from severe damage, represented the last line of defense. Douglas Arrow opened a channel to Sky Admiral Williams, the commander of the defense Army.
"Admiral, get your men out, I'm going to detonate a super weapon," the battle drew ever nearer as Douglas Arrow flew faster and nearer to the battle.
"We're surrounded," came the crackling reply, "go ahead with your mission Sky Pilot and good luck to you."
Good luck, Douglas Arrow thought to himself and looked down at the finger where he once wore his ring, I'll have to look to a different womanoid for luck.
He turned the gears for the communications radio to the frequency for the HQ Sky Base.
"This is Sky Pilot Arrow calling HQ Sky Base One," Douglas Arrow said to HQ Sky Base One, "I need to talk to Professor Inspiration's daughter."
"I'm here, Douglas," replied the comely womanoid over the radio.
Douglas Arrow slices through the formations of Nipponese Attack Ships. "I need you to wish me luck like you've never wished anyone luck before," Douglas Arrow said as he began dodging radio beamers flying every which way and all around him.
"Douglas," said Professor Inspiration's daughter, "you don't need luck, you're the best pilot in the Sky Army! But…I love you Douglas."
"I thought as much," Douglas Arrow said as he blasted a Nipponese Attack Ship to pieces with his radio beamers. "I just hope this magneto-bomb of yours works."
"My calculations are very good," she replied, a bit defensively.
"Almost on the target zone," Douglas Arrow said as he flew straight through an exploding zeppelin and blasted a hole in another Asiatic rocket.
A buzzer sounded in the cockpit of his Sky Rocket and a light blinked red.
"I'm to the target zone," Douglas Arrow said as he began cranking the release arm.
With a loud clatter the bomb was released and the magnets began to spin freely in the air. He banked his Sky Rocket in a tight circle around the spinning magnets and took careful aim with his radio beamers.
"Preparing to fire," he waited until the orange dot was dead center on the grid. "Firing…now."
He turned the firing crank, but nothing happened. He looked down at his control desk and saw that a light was blinking red. He was out of power for his radio beamers!
"What's happening, Douglas?" Professor Inspiration's gorgeous daughter shouted over the radio.
"Minor problem," Douglas Arrow turned the crank again, "but I'll take care of it."
"Ching chong bing bong ting tong," a voice interrupted over the radio.
Douglas Arrow quickly swallowed a reason pill to understand the savage Nipponese words.
"Bing ting tong your doom," laughed the voice over the radio. "I kirred you once and I can kirr you again."
Douglas Arrow looked back to see the unmistakable red dragon symbols of Shiho, the Nipponese ace pilot, coming in close behind him. Suddenly, Douglas Arrow realized that Shiho might be able to help with his problem. He turned the dial all the way to the right and the Sky Rocket turned in a quick loop. The Nipponese pilot struggled to stay behind Douglas Arrow, continually firing his radio beamers. A piece of Douglas Arrow's Sky Rocket exploded from the wing as the radio beamer agitated its molecules. Invisible sound waves hissed all around him as he completed his turn and headed straight ahead for the spinning magnets of the magneto-bomb.
Shiho did a quick loop and then came in behind Douglas Arrow. His radio beamers flashed white and Douglas gritted his teeth as he tried to maneuver out of their path. Pieces exploded from his plane.
"A little closer," he said to himself, watching the orange dot on the grid get bigger.
"Plepale to die, Amelican!" Laughed Shiho as he lined up for the killing shot.
Shiho pulled down the lever that activated his radio beamers. At the last instant the Occidental Sky Rocket dove out of his target image screen's line of aiming and Shiho's radio beams fired straight towards some strange device hovering in the air.
"Sayonara, Shiho," Douglas Arrow laughed.
"What?!" Cried Shiho, but any answer was lost in the blinding white flash and the roar of detonation as the radio waves collided with the magneto-field of the magneto-bomb's magnets.
The explosion blossomed in midair as Douglas Arrow raced away. The burst kept growing and growing, consuming both Sky Armies still fighting in upper cosmosphere. The towering cities of the United States and Moon sprawled ahead of him and, with horror, Douglas Arrow realized that the blast would reach them.
"Dammit, Professor Inspiration's daughter!" He cried as the blast caught up with his Sky Rocket. "Never trust a womanoid with science!"
The explosion desintigrated Douglas Arrow and continued to grow. It swallowed up houses and roads and ponies and buses and meadows and parks and children and dime store Indians. Its ravenous glowing mouth of fire consumed everything it touched with magneto fury. Womanoids scarcely had time to scream as they were burned into dust and then that dust was burned into a puddle of glass.
Professor Inspiration's daughter watched through the window of Sky Army Base HQ with abject terror.
"What have I done?" She had time to ask quietly as the explosion that her miscalculated science had wrought consumed the whole world.
She had one last vision as the fire burned away her clothing revealing her naked body and that was Hepsabah laughing and hooting with Negroid lust as her wanton breasts exploded. Then the whole world was burned to nothing.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.