Project Overview: Untitled Document is a serial comedy novel dealing with the sort of topics that we so frequently make fun of here at Something Awful.
This Chapter: The belated arrival of Chapter Ten focuses on the CIA's unlucky search for the origin of the alien sex tape and Captain Patrick "Liberty" Henry's timely arrival in a city under siege. This chapter packs more action and special effects than a Roland Emmerich movie tied to the Normandy landing scene from Saving Private Ryan all strapped to the super rocket from Armageddon. If it helps you enjoy this chapter, picture random characters as Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler.
The coffee mug special agent Paul Douglas was holding awkwardly in his left hand was advertising a personal lubricant called "Slip". The rim of the cup was stained suspiciously red and agent Douglas was reluctant to actually take a sip of the unsweetened black Folgers. To Paul's right stood the bulging girth of veteran special agent Hank Fortuna, who had a sharp buzz cut and roll of neck fat that made him look like a junior varsity football coach. Fortuna was brisk and often impolite; he lit a Lucky Strike cigarette as soon as they had entered the man's apartment and when he had seen the coffee cup he was offered he shook his head and said "fuck that".
Special agent Douglas contrasted his partner by being exceedingly polite and friendly. He secretly hoped that he overdid it enough to actually be somewhat creepy. Paul had less than a year with the CIA under his belt and he was still searching for his permanent field persona.
"Look mister…," Hank examined his notepad, "Lumpy. In case you haven't noticed New York City is being overrun by giant robots or something like that. Just give us the original tape and tell us how you got it."
"I already told you, I don't have the tape." Crutch Limply was at ease, his feet propped up onto a coffee table littered with flattened media mailers. "After the digitization process I always destroy the hardcopy."
"I'm not buying it you sex fiend. I bet if my partner and I turn this place upside down we'll find enough baby rape videos to get you sent to prison for a very, very, long time. Why don't you just cooperate and hand over the fucking tape already?"
Special agent Fortuna was starting to go a little red in the face so Paul took the opportunity to interrupt another of Limply's sarcastic replies.
"Forget about the tape for now Mr. Limply. Can you please tell us who you received the tape from?"
Limply steepled his fingers and made an exaggerated show of pondering the question.
"Hmmmmmm. Let me think."
"Take your time," Paul replied with a smile.
"Okay, so let me see if I have this straight. You guys want me to hand over a video tape, without a search warrant for my property, and then you want me to provide you with information on one of my confidential suppliers without charging me with a crime or allowing me to consult an attorney. That about sum it up?"
"That's correct Mr. Limply, but might I remind you that our nation is under attack and failure to cooperate now might bring about terrible consequences once the slow wheel of government fully turns in response to recent events."
"Habeas corpus is a fund-"
"I will shove my habeas so far up your pasty corpus that you will be spitting toe hairs for a week! Now tell us where you got the fucking tape you degenerate scumbag!"
Special agent Douglas reached a hand out and rested it firmly on agent Fortuna's forearm, reminding him not to strangulate their interviewee.
"Look," said Crutch, turning to address Paul. "I saw those things on the news the same as Detective Testosterone here and they are not the same thing that was on my video."
"Mr. Limply, you have got to understand that when a video surfaces on the Internet that seems to show an actual extraterrestrial life form engaging in…intercourse…with a human the US government will take an interest. Even if our proud democracy is being attacked by a different extraterrestrial life form. So please, just tell us who gave you the tape, and we can go our separate ways."
Somewhere nearby a damaged helicopter slammed into the parking lot of a Home Depot with a resounding crash that rattled the windows.
"You know what, fuck you. The Newark PD has tried to bust my ass about five times for possessing illegal pornography, but those retards could never beat the encryption on my database. They dragged my good name through the newspapers even though they had no evidence that I was breaking the law, and I've had my car vandalized more times than I can count because of it. My own mother won't talk to me because she thinks I rape little kids. So if you think I owe a goddamn thing to the government then you've got your head a lot farther up your well-worn assholes than I thought."
With a sudden movement of his arm Fortuna threw his fist into his inside jacket pocket and pulled out a black sap. He then slammed the bottom of his fist down on the battered arm of the chair he was sitting in, his knuckles white around the molded handgrip of the truncheon.
What if you were a cop and the Skittle was mentally disturbed and wanted to be eaten?
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
I'll never forgive these giant alien insects! I'm trying!
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