Special Achievement in Saying Stupid Things
Gerard Way of My Chemical RomanceSpecial Achievement in Ubiquity“I wanted this short white hair so I would look like this character, who I pictured as someone who had maybe gone through chemotherapy… it helped me channel that energy into the vocal performances.”
Gerard Way is the real deal, ladies and gentlemen. Gerard Way knows a little about cancer. He knows a thing or two about the pain and suffering of chemotherapy. He’s stared death in the face, people. The man got a haircut.
Gnarls BarkleyNot since the days of Hootie and the Blowfish have I had to hear such a terrible band name so many times in a year.Special Achievement in Pete Wentz
Pete WentzHe looks like Swarthy Val Kilmer, he’s the “frontman” of a band in which he’s the bassist, he designs horrible screen printed t-shirts, and we’ve all seen his dick. I’d call him this year’s Pete Doherty, but Pete Doherty is still kinda this year’s Pete Doherty. Anyway, let’s all take a moment to— PEEEEETTE WENNNNNNNTTZZZZ!!!Special Achievement in Good Fucking Riddance
System of a Down“Hiatus” sounds like some sort of horrible disease that makes you cough up your vertebrae. I wish.Special Achievement in Squeaking
Chris BrownChris Brown is that sound that happens when you drag your finger across an overinflated balloon.Special Achievement in Overreaching
My Chemical RomanceThe only people these dorks can fool into thinking they’re a legitimate rock band are 14-year-old Hot Topic dipshits and the NME, but they grabbed for the brass ring with embarrassing gusto this year. What were their secret weapons for this attempted “Important Band” coup? A concept album, some Brian May noodling, and a cancer haircut.Special Achievement in Overall Badness
Fallout Boy – This Ain’t a Scene, it’s an Arms RaceWith an embarrassing Montell Jordan-style intro, an extremely blackophobic video and the worst song title in history, Fallout Boy rode the crest of their own backlash straight off a cliff.Special Achievement in Diminishing Returns
HoobastankHey, did you know that Hoobastank finally released their hotly anticipated follow-up to “The Reason”? No? That’s because it fucking tanked. HA! I take immense pleasure in their failure.Special Achievement in Special Achievement
Hawthorne HeightsDespite the fact that the lead singer has Down’s Syndrome, these scruffy emo-pop lambs have made a heroic show of it. I mean, their music still sounds like it’s made by people with a few spare chromosomes here and there, but the fact that they can even stand up without prescription shoes is heartwarming. Carry on, you brave, precious little retards.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
According to Dr. David Thorpe and "Your Band Sucks," the music you hold dear is actually unimportant, dull, and staggeringly awful. Everything from folk music to terrorcore-techstep is absolute garbage that has somehow fallen off the trash heap of modern music and found its way into your CD player.