For some reason, we can never get enough "stupid customer" stories. Maybe because nearly all of us can identify with the frustration of having to deal — politely — with the absolute idiots on the other side of the counter or phone conversation. Maybe it's also because we all need some validation that we personally are all model customers who have never asked any such thing as a bad question. Whatever the reason, I know you'll enjoy this first installment of "Retarded Customer Questions", as started by Forums Goon oldbrownshoe.
No such thing as a dumb question? I think not.
I was in the back of the store in our photolab sink area cleaning the film processor racks when I hear:
"Customer service in photo please. Cindy, customer service in photo."
I stop what I'm doing and go to the front of the store. I expect to see a perplexed customer standing at one of kiosks trying to figure out how to work it, not realizing that simpling reading the screen works wonders. However, I find no one there. I see a co-worker, the one who paged me, at the counter talking to a woman trying on reading glasses. I ask her who was the customer that needed help in photo. She points to the woman in front of her. The woman looks to me and asks:
"Which one of these looks better? This one? *tries on 1st glasses* Or this one? *tries on 2nd ones*"
I look at her with, I'm sure, a look of astonishment on my face and say:
She repeats the question and I tell her the 2nd pair. She makes absolutely sure that I think the second ones look better by trying them on for me again. I tell her yes as I'm walking away. There was a customer in line near us who just stared at me with his mouth open slightly and a wtf look on his face. I'm sorta pissed at my co-worker, who was standing right there, for calling me from the back just for that.
I work for a website that sells pet supplies and I get a lot of idiots calling in, but I think this one takes the cake so far; one evening a woman called me up, indicated a 45qt dog food container featured on the site, and proceeded to ask me how big it was.
"It holds 45 quarts"
"Yes but how much dog food will it hold?"
"About 45 quarts. "
"Yes but-- I mean-- how many pounds?"
When I tried to explain to her that there is a difference between weight and volume and it depended on what type of food she was using, how dense it was, how big the kibbles were, et cetera... she pitched a huge hissy fit. After claiming that I "obviously didn't know my products well enough" and that I was "just being difficult" she demanded to talk to my supervisor who she was certain could give her the answer. Good luck on that one, lady.
I used to work at a gas station, and once a lady came into the office and up to the counter and asked me, "how do you spell Xanax?" I answered. She wrote it down on a pad of paper that had the Xanax logo on it, using a pen that had Xanax written on it.
Turns out she was sales rep for Xanax and needed to enter the account name (xanax) on the alpha-numeric keypad on the pump.
Girl ackwardly cradles a generic brand WIRELESS keyboard and mouse in her arms
Girl: "I need a new mouse this one is broken."
Me: "The mice are right over here." (walks over to the mouse isle)
Girl: "This old one just stopped working."
Me: *PAUSE* Runs hand under mouse. No red light. "Are we sure the mouse is broken and not just in need of new batteries?"
Girl: Dumbfounded "These things take batteries!?"
Once again. We are talking about a WIRELESS mouse.
I used to have customers, (customers only in the sense that they were asking me questions regarding the things I sold, not in the sense that they actually came into to buy anything), asking me why their remote suddenly stopped working.
9 times out of 10, I'd open the remote, take out the batteries and replace them so they were facing the right direction. I'd say to the customer, "Oh, it looks like the batteries were in backwards," never letting on what a stupid mistake this was.
I'd then point the remote at the same brand of TV and show the customer that now that the batteries were actually in the right position, the remote worked.
They never believed me. The only way that'd I'd get them out of the store was to promise that if they got home and it didn't work that they could reach me directly if there was a problem, (lord knows that that was almost impossible) but, of course, they never needed to call me back.
"So whats bluetoothbrush?"
When I worked in Mens Wear I got "Will this belt fit my son?". Bear in mind her son was nowhere around so I had no basis for judgement. So I respond with "That depends, what size pants does your son wear?". The idiot goes "I don't know, he's 16 years old though".
I then proceed to explain to her in great detail that belts are based waist size and not all people are the same size. Even different 16 year olds come in different sizes. Her response, "Oh, but he's 16 years old. Will this fit him?". I just told her yes.
My other favourite was the old man who didn't buy shoes. He walked up to me at the counter, pulls out his store credit card bill.
Old Man: These shoes are on my bill and I didn't buy them. Who can I talk to about getting them taken off?
Me (looks at bill): Well sir, we don't have anything to do with the credit cards so you would have to call the 1-800 number on your bill here and they can fix it for you. The only problem I can see is this is a return for shoes on your bill. They're actually crediting you money. Therefore you probably did buy them and return them. If you didn't though, just call the 1-800 number and they can help you out.
OM: But I didn't buy them, who can I talk to about getting it taken off my card.
Me: like I said, you just need to call the 1-800 on your bill and they can help you out. We can't do anything here though.
OM: Yes but I didn't buy these shoes. Who do I have to talk to about getting them taken off my card
Me: Just go upstairs to Catalogue.
And he walks off. I told him three times to call the 1-800 number and he just ignores me. I also tell him that it is actually credited to his account so he in fact RETURNED the item, he ignores me. So I dumped him on someone else. The funny thing was, after I told him to go upstairs, he walked out of the store. Ya know, as opposed to actually going upstairs.
I had one dumb bimbo come in a few weeks ago. Fashion plate; tall long blond hair, bubblegum pink eyeshadow, designer clothes, bitch boots with 4" stiletto heels, Gucci bag, a figure that you could snap in half over your knee, the whole nine yards. And a perma-sneer that intensified when she saw the only person to talk to was the *gasp* shorter, larger, Zellers-clothes-wearing ravenhaired beast that was myself.
"Do you have any iPod Minis?" She asked in a haughty tone.
"No, sorry, the Minis have been obsolete for several months. Apple no longer produces them and retailers no longer sell them. We do, however have the Nanos, which are better made and cheaper than the Minis were anyway."
(sneer intensifying)"So you don't have ANY Minis at ALL?"
"No, sorry, just these Nanos. Would you like to look at them?"
"I want to look at a Mini. You must have one in the back, right?"
"Sorry, as I mentioned, we haven't had them for months."
"When will you be getting more?"
"Because I really want one."
"I guess I'll have to take my business somewhere ELSE, then." *turns nose up and leaves*
Yeah, good luck finding that mini, you genetic mistake.
You know those Arby's commercials with the guy asking the girl behind the counter if he can get 5 items on the 5 for 5.95 deal?
Yeah. Every damn day.
When it comes to computers, some people completely turn their mind off when they call. I can't tell you how many time I have said something as simple as click on start and they reply back that I need to slow down because they dont have a clue.
The worst that I can remember however is one person who refused to read a single thing on a form page that consisted of her name, address and phone number.
user: Ok, it says name. What should I put there?
me: Your name.
user: Uh, ok (saying it in a unsure name) ok, address. what should I put there?
me: Are you serious?
user: I'm not technical at all.
"Excuse me, how do I know this money in the donation box goes to charity?"
Think about that for a minute. Just HOW do you answer that?
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.