I am full of many things, and one of those things is advice! Welcome to another edition of Ask Emily, where I will do what I can to help those in need by honestly sharing my opinion with them regarding their pathetic situations. Sometimes I am good at this and sometimes I am not, so here's to hoping that I can come up with some solutions for these poor dorks who have sent me letters. If you'd like me to answer your questions (you can ask me anything about anything- NOT JUST RELATIONSHIP STUFF), feel free to email me at askemily@somethingawful.com and I'll see what I can do.

IN THE MEANTIME, you should remember that all of the letters I print here blah blah blah are real and have actually been sent to me blah blah by people like you. Please do not email me accusing me of making this stuff up. My mind is most likely not capable of twisting reality in such a horrifying way, nor do I have the time or energy to spend fabricating email for you dummies. These letters are unfortunately real, though the entire world and such may come to wish that they were not someday.

Speaking of those letter-things, let's move on.

Indy,I'm not really sure what you mean by talking about your stomach starting to hurt after you jerk off, nor do I fully comprehend why you chose to include the word "alone." I'm going to assume that by saying that you are alone when your stomach hurts you mean that when you masturbate with a partner or somesuch that you are not beset by pain subsequent to your spermification. I also don't know what you mean when you say that I'm a credit to my race, seeing as I'm pretty much as white as they come. I wish that I were some sort of racial minority (I don't think that being of half Jewish descent really counts in this case) because then I would be able to make people feel guilty for oppressing me and maybe I'd actually be able to find a job and get into grad school in a wink. I also wouldn't feel quite so much crushing white guilt for the sins of my forefathers. But I digress.Feeling depressed after you whack off alone is pretty common. People can tend to feel rather pathetic and lonely after they do this because it is something that ideally they would be experiencing with a partner and sometimes the fact that you are alone won't really hit you until after you orgasm, look around yourself, and realize that you have sunken to the depths of onanism to try to fill the dark and empty void within your soul. I would suggest that you try masturbating in other situations to perhaps divert your mind from dwelling on your horrible solitude. Either that or just go and masturbate in front of your mother so that you won't be alone. You might have a bunch of other problems as a result of this, but you wouldn't feel lonely and sad afterward. If that doesn't work out for you, try to relax and enjoy yourself. Jerking off is not something to get stressed out and sad about by any means. Obviously having a partner would help you out more than either of these wonderful solutions, but you're probably a freak so that might not be a viable option for you at this time.As for your stomach pain, I do not think that it is in any way connected with your masturbation. I think, rather, that you may have some sort of colitis, or gastrointestinal discomfort as a result of the emotional distress caused by masturbating and then feeling depressed or lonely. This is actually pretty common, and although it doesn't really sound like much of a medical problem, I'd still say that you should go to the doctor and ask for a check-up just to make sure that there isn't anything weird going on with your bowels (heh) that needs to be attended to. Usually things like colitis are pretty treatable, and stress or emotional turmoil is a common cause of abdominal pain and even diarrhea. Go get it checked out, but other than that, just try to relax and enjoy your lonely self-sexing. I think that you'll find that if you relax a bit and don't allow masturbating to become an arduous, stressful process that your stomach pain will go away and you'll be a lot happier. You'll also be covered in your own semen.

Why would someone take the time to write this to me, let alone even admit it in a public way?

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