Xealot:Sometime last May, or June, or something.......

Asshole approaches box, looks at employee Me, fails to see sign posted clearly on back wall.

Assshole: Hey....uh, I'll take two for Unfaithful.

Me: I'm sorry, Unfaithful isn't running today. The projector broke down in the last showing. (Points to sign clearly posted)

Asshole: Alright, when's the next Unfaithful today?

Me: The next showtime for Unfaithful would be 7:30 (Points to clearly posted show listings above clearly posted sign), but the projector broke down, and will not be up and running again today regardless.

Asshole: Can't you move it to another theater?

Me: Sorry, there are films running on every other screen at the moment...

Asshole: (In one single, dramatic exhalation) Thistheaterisunbelievable!........

Me: Would you like to see something el....

Asshole: (Cutting me off) No! That's fine, just...forget it!


TheDingo: Here's one, I worked in a small neighborhood music store for a few years. I got this call one day:

Me: Hello, Ted's Music. How may I help you?
- Yes, I am having a garage sale and I am selling an old guitar. How much is it worth?
Me: ...Ummm, it's really hard to say without seeing it. What brand/model/year is it?
- I have no idea. Can you just give an estimate?
Me: I couldn't even give a ballpark without seeing it or getting any info on it.
- Well you're no help at all! I thought this was a music store.
Me: Let me see..... yes, yes it is.
- Why can't you just tell me what it's worth?
Me: Ma'am, I'm sorry, but guitars can have a value anywhere from $5 to millions. Without seeing it I can't tell you.
- Well you guys sure are worthless.
Me: It's worth $5.
- $5?
Me: Yes.
- Ok, took long enough. Bye.

assx2in8: I was a manager at a Carmike Cinemas movie theater for awhile some time ago. I had a customer who was unsatisfied with her movie and service for whatever reason, and she wanted a full refund on everything despite the fact that she had eaten everything and finished watching the movie from start to finish. Of course I refused to give her any money back, and so she went on a 20 minute spiel about how she personally knew the founders of the company and how they would have let her in free in the first place, how she would report our location if she didn't get her money back and we would all lose our jobs and on and on. My replies went something along the lines of "Mmmmkay. Mmmmkay. Mmmmkay. Yup. Mmmmkay." until she blurted out "Have you ever eaten dinner with the Carmichaels? They are very very nice people and this would never be allowed by them." I said "Ma'am, the people who own this company aren't named Carmichael, their name is Patrick." She shut up and left.

Also, I had to call the police one time because there was some guy walking up and down the hall talking to each plant. After he had finished talking with the plants he started conversing with the walls. I'm not sure what they told him but it must have been good because this guy was laughing so loud you could hear him from one end of the building to the other. (This was a 20 screen theater, not a small building.)

Pepper: I can relate to your story, Neutral, though I haven't screamed anyone out yet.

Sadly I work at Target. It has a health plan and an employee discount, so I'm not too upset.

Many times, especially during our 2-day sale that ended today, we'll get people trying to swindle us by saying "Oh, there's a sign that said blablabla" which is 90% of the time pure bullshit.

Woman comes through my line with a jambox with speakers and features and all the fixins. She proceeds to tell me that she saw a sign for 75% off and wanted to purchase it. So like a good cashier I scan it and the price $189.99 rings up. She nods assuredly. "And it's 75% off of that." A $142.50 price difference. Yeah, right. I proceed to tell her that I needed to speak with my supe over it.

"OH NO YOU DON'T! Are you callin' me a liar?! Ah'm tellin' you what it is an' you don't believe me."
"Ma'am, I'm not calling you a liar. I just want to double check."
"You will not! Now ring it up!"
Blank stare from me.
"Heather? C'mere please."

We did the price check and all that crap, and it turns out there's nothing in the ENTIRE electronics department that's %75 off. She calls us liars and tells us we're trying to jilt her. She storms off and I cancel the transaction.

I get that 4 times a day. On a slow day.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2022 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful